Miniature Disasters
by Kedda
Summary: What happens in the lives of Derek, Addison and Meredith after Derek goes back to his wife? Will everyone live happily ever after or will it be one big disaster?
1. Love is a Battlefield

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did why would I need to write this?

**Authors Note: **OK. This is my new story. The format is completely different then my last one (What Happens Next). In fact it might be a little confusing. I have reformatted it like 5 times. Basically just pay attention to what time things are happening at, time goes back and forth as you switch from character to character. There are 3 sections, one for each Meredith, Derek and Addison, and basically it is taking place during _Into You Like a Train. _There is a lot of inner dialogue for this one because I thought that it was important to show what each character was feeling, but I probably won't continue it 'cause I find it distracting to read. Future chapters will take place at month intervals... at least that is the plan now.

So if you have made it through the A/N, enjoy the story!

_**XXXXXXXXXXX**_

_**September**_

_**XXXX**_

_**Meredith**_

_9:28 pm_

Meredith sat at the bar alone consuming shot after shot of tequila.

_He's not coming_.

She had actually come to that conclusion about 45 minutes ago, but really, what's a girl to do. The pity party could wait, she was still getting smashed with her good friend denial.

"'Nother shot Joe."

Joe had given up on trying to curb her drinking after she had threatened to march herself to the bar down the street if he didn't keep pouring. At least here he could keep an eye on her.

_10:19 am_

_Addison just looked at me. Does she know something? _

_God I hate her. Well I don't hate her. But I really don't like her. Trying to steal my boyfriend... who is her husband. But still. _

_I should stay out of the way. I am going to go over there. Out of the way. I am definitely drunk._

"Oh, hey, Joe said to tell you that McSteamy came looking for you," A tall nurse mentioned as he walked by.

"You mean McDreamy? Joe said McDreamy came looking for me?" _He meant McDreamy right. Derek came? He chose me? But what took him so long? Wait. Is he still talking?_

"No I'm pretty sure he said McSteamy."

_He came_. Meredith didn't know what to think. _What does this mean? This means he picked me right. Or he was just being polite and really he picked her and just came to break my heart. He probably picked her. He's here. He just walked in the door. Oh god I hope he doesn't see me. Or do I really want him to see me... I'm very drunk. He just nodded. And kinda smiled. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?_

_1:47 am_

"No word from McDreamy?"

_It's that guy again_. Standing there was the nurse that had told her that Derek had come to the bar. _He's kinda cute. What are you doing Meredith? You want Derek. But he is cute. Clearly I am still a little drunk. But according to the test, sober enough._

"No," she stated flatly not even caring that he knew.

"Here," he sat down across her and helped her remove the needle connecting her to the now empty banana bag, "I don't think that anyone else knows, I just figured it out from what Joe said" he continued.

_Ok this guy is way to nice, if he thinks he is going to catch me on the rebound he has another thing coming,_ "I don't even care anymore." Meredith responded, defeated. "I have to go. I want to scrub in on the impalement surgery."

"Well I guess by tomorrow we'll know how smart Dr. Shepherd really is."

Meredith paused as she pulled back the curtain separating them from the rest of the room, "He's an excellent Doctor." _And your flirting with me. Stop flirting with me._

"I wasn't talking about medicine."

_He is SO flirting with me._

_7:03 am_

_I'm not going to make it. I cannot work another shift. Everyone has figured it out. It's too much._

"He's not here." Cristina finally said breaking the silence that had prevailed since she had sat down.

_He's not? Does that mean he is with her?_

"I saw him leave." Cristina continued unsure if Meredith had understood her. "He's not back on till tomorrow." _He is probably with her._

Meredith looked away and continued to stare.

"Rounds," Bailey wearily told them again.

"Lets get this over with," Meredith said hoarsely. She was the first one out on the floor.

_**XXXX**_

_**Derek**_

_9:03 pm_

"So are you going to sign those divorce papers or not?"

_What do I say?_ "I am not promising anything Addison."

They stood in silence, Derek not daring to look at her. When he finally looked up he saw that her features had soften and she was smiling slightly.

"Thank you," she murmured quietly not breaking his gaze.

_I should say something. Tell her how I feel about this. I can't just blurt it out thought. Come on Derek, this is Addison, you can say anything to her,_ "Lets get something to drink," _Well that was something. It was stupid but it was something._

Addison nodded and fell into step beside Derek as he led her to the cafeteria. "Here," she said passing Derek her coat and briefcase.

Derek nodded and took them from her, watching her prepare their drinks. _I think I have deja vu. We must have done this a million times_. First she picked up two large mugs, she added a peppermint tea bag to one, and put the other mug under the coffee dispenser. Pressing the dispense button with one hand, she used the other to pour hot water into the other mug. Addison reached for sugar and honey and placed them in Derek's already outstretched hand, then followed with the mugs as he led her to a table in the corner. As they sat down she placed the tea in front of him and picked up the sugar. _1,2,3 _Derek mentally counted as he added not quite the entire pack of honey to the tea, while Addison carefully poured in the sugar while stirring the coffee. Then with the practiced motions of people who had done the same routine countless times, they switched drinks.

_I missed her coffee. I missed this. I missed her_. "I never could get it to taste right on my own."

Addison sighed lightly, "I know, I've missed tea."

Derek laughed apprehensively.

Then Addison laughed, cautiously, but hopefully.

Then they fell silent. They continued to drink as the silence grew awkward.

"I have to tell Meredith," Derek said finally. _And this is where it all goes downhill._

Addison nodded.

_She's not arguing. Ok. _"And we need to talk," he added, absently stirring his coffee.

Addison nodded again, "Ok."

_Ok. She is agreeing. This is strange. I should go, I need to tell Meredith befor she drinks herself into a stupor. _Derek stood up, and looked down at his wife. _She seems different. She looks defeated and vunerable and weak. What's happened to her?_ "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning," he said decisively "We'll have breakfast."

Addison finally looked up and smiled. "Ok."

_What do I do? Do I just walk away? _"Ok." Derek tentatively put his hand on Addison's shoulder.

Addison placed her hand on top of his before he could change his mind and move it, "Derek?"

"What?" he asked quietly.

"I love you."

_I love you too. _Derek walked away, towards Meredith and Joe's bar. _I think._

_9:47 pm_

"Dude your late."

_What is he saying. Oh, who cares. _Derek ignored the bartender and looked slowly around the bar.

"She's not here." Joe called across the bar, pulling Derek out of his daze.

_What? _"What?" Derek continued to look around, "Where did she go?"

"Train wreck."

_What? _"What?" _She can't be a mess already. It's not even 10._

"Train wreck" Joe repeated pointing to the TV.

Derek was almost glad to see footage of a literal train wreck. "Right," _Thank God,_ he sighed as his pager went off.

_2:11 am_

Derek watched as George left the scrub room. He was now alone with Meredith. He had to tell her. _Say something_, he told himself. _Smile. _Derek Smiled. _No don't smile, that will give her the wrong idea._

"Hey," Meredith said finally, her voice betraying her nervousness.

"Hi." _Now what. Damnit Derek your still smiling. Don't smile. Say something. _"I went to the bar."

"I know, I heard."

_I don't know what to say. Say anything. No you can't say anything. Say you still love Addison. No I can't say that, that will hurt Meredith. But I should be truthful. I should tell her that I have to give my marriage a chance. She wouldn't understand that though. Well your going to have to say something, and soon. _"Did you take some aspirin with the banana bag? It helps with the hangover." _That was the wrong thing to say. Congratulations Derek you are officially an ass. There are about a million better ways you could have started this conversation._

"Oh," Meredith said finally.

_I should have explained that better._

"Your staying with her." Meredith's voice was flat.

_Don't say something stupid, don't say something stupid. _"She's my wife." _That was stupid._

_**XXXX**_

_**Addison**_

_10:52 pm_

"Dr. Steevens did you need something?" Addison looked over at Izzie who had been watching her for the last 2 minutes. _She can't know. There is no way that Derek could have gotten all the way over there and talked to Meredith before they got called back in. Don't say anything, AND DON'T GLOAT._

"No." Izzie said looking away.

_This is really awkward._

_11: 13 pm_

Addison walked down the hall trying to find someone who could get a lawyer.

"How's it going with Addison?" Meredith voice floated out from behind a curtain.

Addison's ears perked up at the mention of her name. _I shouldn't be eavesdropping like this._

"Bad mood? Good mood? Yay my husband picked me mood?"

_I shouldn't be listening to this. I'm not in high school. I'm an adult. Walk away Addison. This is not your business, just keep out of it until Derek has a chance to talk to her. Walk away._

"I take issue with her salmon coloured scrubs. I mean, what self respecting surgeon wears salmon coloured scrubs?" Izzie's voice joined Meredith's behind the curtain.

"This is what I'm saying."

Addison smiled in spit of herself. _I like my scrubs. So they kinda clash with my hair. Really it's Derek's fault, he is the one that dared me to wear them in med school. But seriously, who do they think they are. Gah! Come on Addison, if you where their age you would probably be saying the same thing. I wish I was there age._

_6:49 am_

"If you want to do breakfast another time I understand." Addison told her husband as he joined her at the entrance to the hospital. _I really do understand, I need to go to bed. But I want to talk to him._

Derek looked drained.

_He is so tired. _"We'll do it another time." Addison said decisively, "You need to get some sleep, and there is nothing we need to say that can't wait." _We've waited this long what's a few more hours. _She patted his arm awkwardly and turned to leave.

Derek nodded, "Drinks?"

_It's 7 am._

"Tonight?" Derek continued, "I think that we are going to need drinks."

Addison chuckled. _A joke. He is making jokes._

"This is going to be rough," Derek sighed.

_He is not joking, he needs to drink to handle me. I'm driving my husband too drink. _Addison's face fell and she looked to the floor.

"I'll walk you to your car," Derek offered.

_He wants to walk me to my car? He is volunteering to spend time with me when I have just let him off the hook for the morning. _Addison smiled as they left the hospital together. She turned her head and saw Derek sigh again. _He is so sad. What's wrong? Is it me? Is it Meredith? Should I do something. Do something Addison. This is not the time to be shy_. _All he can do is push you away._ Addison looped her arm through his. _Whether you want me here or not I am going to be there for you Derek Shepherd. _

He didn't pull away.

_**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**_

So what did you think? I have written it at least 5 different ways so if this one is too confusing I'll take it down and put up a different version. I don't think that all the chapters are going to be like this (or this long) so please review and tell me what you did and didn't like (preferably what you liked).

Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon.


	2. Heart of Glass

Disclaimer: Nothing has changed since my last update. I still don't own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: I have rewritten this chapter, so you may or may not want to read it again. I just didn't think it worked, it was confusing and flowed funny. That will teach me to post while hungover.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE TIMES THE STORY JUMPS AROUND!

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**October**

**XXXX**

**Derek**

_6:52pm_

"And are you happy with the progress that you have made?" The therapist asked as he concluded his one-on-one appointment with Derek.

"Yes," _that's a lie. _"No." Derek sighed, conflicted, "Sometimes things seem to be getting better. We go to dinner and talk. Or we meet on the ferry coming to work and get coffee and it's like it was before. But when ever we try to talk about us we fight. We fight all the time, and sometimes I look at her and I feel so angry. I just can't control it. I don't want to look at her. I can't be in the same room as her. Sometimes I don't even want to be in the same city as her. "

"Why?"

_You tell me, your the professional. "_She cheated on me. I can't just accept that and move on. I can't forget that."

The therapist nodded thoughtfully, "We have touched on this subject before. You and Addison both agree that her infidelity was not the only problem you were having. Why is that the only part that you are fixated on?"

_I don't know. Because she CHEATED! _"Addison was my life. I thought that we shared everything. But she couldn't even tell me that she wasn't happy. Instead she went behind my back and slept with my best friend."

"Have you ever talked about why?"

"Why she cheated?" Derek stared at the doctor. "She's not ready to tell me, and I'm not ready to know."

_7:07pm_

"Are you busy?" Derek said into his phone as he sat in his car.

"No," Addison said hesitantly.

"I just left Dr. Khols. Can we meet somewhere? I just want to talk." _And not fight._

"Of course." Addison paused, "Derek are you all right?"

"I don't know anymore Addy."

10:16pm

Derek had arrived at the bar he and Addison had decided on early. He needed to think. He swirled his bourbon around in his glass and gulped it down.

Instinctively he looked up.

Standing at the door was Addison. She hadn't seen him so he took the opportunity to watch her.

_She looks different. _He had never seen anyone who could change her appearance like she could. At the hospital doing paperwork or rounds she looked all business; pantsuits, a-line skirts and her hair perfectly done. In the operating room her scrubs were perfectly wrinkled, lived in, but not slept in like his always looked. And her hair. She never put too much effort into it when they had been together. She was a 'shower the night before person' and would touch up her hair in the morning, at least that was the plan. It never work out. That was mostly his fault though, his morning showers usually used most of the hot water, and when she put curlers in the night before they would be ripped out by morning. _What was it about those damn curlers. _He forced those memories from his mind, but it gave him a certain amount of satisfaction that since she arrived in Seattle her hair had been flawless.

He watched her shrug out of her black faux fur coat, _I bought her that, 2 Christmas's ago, she was always saying how cold it was, she is always freezing_, revealing a simple black wide neck black shirt and dark jeans. With her hair pulled back into a ponytail and still wet from the shower, she seem to have lost 10 years since she had left the hospital that morning. That's when he noticed it. _She looks like Meredith_. _Not really, but the ponytail and the clothes clothes. She looks like she did 15 years ago when we first began dating. There's a resemblance._

Derek suddenly realized that she was standing at the bar watching him back. _She looks like she is about to face a firing squad. She is just as scared of being hurt as I am. _

He gave her a barely perceptible nod and she crossed the room to sit across from him.

**XXXX**

**Meredith**

_8:34pm_

_Thank God this shift is over. It's been 2 weeks! You would think that people would have something better to talk about now. _Meredith thought as she looked around her.

_It's all their fault. It wouldn't be so bad if they would stop dragging me into this. _Meredith groaned as she remember the not so subtle argument that she and at least 5 nurses had overheard in the elevator. Apparently the Shepherds therapy session the night before had centered on her. Meredith was conflicted over this, was she angry or elated.

_I have to get out. _Feel overwhelmed she slamming her locker shut and ran out the door.

_8:40pm_

She didn't make it far. In fact she had barely made it to the isolated bench outside the hospital.

_I am going to scream. Don't scream Meredith, play it cool. Oh screw it._ Gripping the edge of the bench and stamping her feet she let out a shrill scream.

"Hey! You found my screaming bench," a friendly voice greeted her.

"Your stalking me," she told the tall lanky nurse as he sat down beside her.

"Hey," he teased, "You ran to my bench."

_Go away. Go away. Go away. _"You don't own this bench."

"Don't I?"

"I don't see your name on it anywhere."

"Your not looking hard enough," he grinned tapping the seat beside him.

TYLER

"Fine," Meredith relented, "But that still doesn't mean you own it."

Tyler laughed.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked, _Stop making small talk Meredith, just get up and leave. No tell him to leave, you were here first._

"I come out here to pick up girls."

"_Be_ serious." Meredith laughed. _I think I have forgotten how to laugh, that's actually really pathetic. _

"I am." He grinned, "Naw. I just come out here at the end of the day sometimes, to think. It's a rough job ya know. You take care of these people the best you can but when we wheel them into that operating room and you guys take over, you don't know who is gonna make the cut, pardon the pun."

"Ya." _That was deep, and I really can't handle deep right now. He's a nice guy though. And cute. Kinda like George._

"Yup."

Meredith and Tyler sat in companionable silence for a few minutes.

"I should get home," Meredith said finally. _Home. To my tequila._

Tyler nodded, continuing to sit and reflect.

"Thanks." Meredith said turning around before leaving the secluded bench.

"For what?" Tyler asked.

_For not trying to get more gossip out of me. _"I'm not sure," Meredith replied laughing a bit.

"Then it was my pleasure." Tyler paused, "You know what you need?"

_Derek. _"Tequila?"

"Exactly. We are going out," Tyler grinned and got up to follow her, "I told you this was a good bench for picking up girls."

_10:17pm_

"You would think that by driving across town we could have avoided this." Tyler sighed as he and Meredith sat in a booth watching Derek walk in the door.

_At least he is alone._

_This is awkward..._"So, I'm not usually the type of girl that spies on ex's but..."

"Don't worry about it, I have 5 sisters."

_5?_ _That explains a lot, actually. I was beginning to think that he might be gay._

"Then you understand."

"Yeah I understand," Tyler leaned back and got comfortable, "I understand that you are going to ignore me and watch him all night and that at least twice tonight I am going to have to stop you from going over there and making a fool of yourself.

Meredith chuckled. Suddenly something caught her eye.

_Damnit. Addison. _Meredith took took a gulp of her tequila._ Why is she still over there. She must see him. Oh, she does see him. What, are they having a staring contest or something._

"Meredith? Earth the Meredith" Tyler vainly tried to get Meredith's attention, "And it begins," he muttered to himself.

_11:20pm_

"What did she just give him?" Meredith asked, straining her neck to see the box that was now sitting on the table between Derek and Addison.

"I can't tell."

"Well go find out," Meredith ordered pushing him out of the booth.

"Your lucky I am very svelte."

_Svelte? _Meredith rolled her eyes, _who does he think he is? James Bond. _

"So?" Meredith asked as Tyler rejoined her back in the booth.

"_Disney _cufflinks."

"What?"

"You heard me. Cufflinks. In the shape of that dog, from that movie, with the spaghetti."

"Lady and the Tramp?" Meredith asked even though she already knew the answer.

"Yeah," he passed her a piece of paper. "I swiped the card. Well, I picked it up when it fell on the ground."

Meredith opened it and read, a sick feeling growing in the pit of her stomach.

_To 39 more years _

_of Bella Notte's Together!_

_Happy 39th Birthday._

_I Love You_

_Lady_

"That bastard!" she fumed.

"Hey, I'll admit that it seems that the Shepherd's have an unhealthy attachment to Disney movies but..."

"No. It's just this one. I cannot believe this." Meredith slammed her hand down on the table then threw back the rest of her drink. She thought back to the night when she had found the box of stuff, _I can't believe this. That stupid box of crap. All that stuff. Pens, hats, ties, a lunch box, dozens of those stupid figurines, his watch, his ringtone. And his pillowcase, he thought that i didn't notice that his pillow had that second pillowcase on it, but I did. And those weren't toys for his nieces. It's all stuff that she gave him. He was looking at it before I came over. _"Bastard." As the angry and irrational voices continued to run through her head, she grabbed the rest of Tyler's and finished it.

"Lady and the Tramp?" Tyler repeated, "That's... weird."

"I need to leave," Meredith suddenly declared. "They look happy, and I feel kinda nauseous."

**XXXX**

**Addison**

_9:36pm_

Addison was conflicted.

_This is either a good idea or a really, really bad one. _Addison stared at the small gift wrapped box sitting on the top of her hotel dresser. _If he is upset then this just might make it worse. But if he is upset it might make him feel better._

Acting on instinct alone Addison bit her lip, grabbed the box and quickly left the room.

_12:08am_

The bar around them got louder and louder, but Addison and Derek stayed silent. They had run out of topics of conversation that they felt were safe and neither one of them wanted to fight tonight.

_Do it now Addison. It will cheer him up. Everyone likes presents. "_I brought this," Addison began, setting a box on the table in front of her, "I've been carrying it around for months. You don't have to take it. I just thought..."

"What is it?"

"Your birthday present." Addison replied as she moved her water glass and pushed to box towards him.

They fell back into silence, the box unopened between them. _This was a bad idea._

Derek finally reached for the box. He read the card, his expression unchanging. _Oh my God, the card. Addison you are an idiot you should have changed the card._ He slowly opened the box.

His face broke out into a large grin and he started to laugh. _He's smiling._

"Where did you find these?" Derek laughed as he examined the cufflinks shaped like Tramp from _Lady and the Tramp_.

Addison shrugged her grin matching his, "I know someone, who knows someone, who knows a guy. Do you like them?"

Derek considered the question. "I do like them. Thank you." Derek reached over and squeezed her fingers lightly before bringing his hand back to examine his gift again. "Do you ever think that we have taken this to far?"

"The movie thing?" Addison tilted her head to the side and considered the question. "Yes," she laughed,"Every time one of us has a birthday."

"Or Christmas," Derek laughed.

"And most Valentines Day."

"Anniversaries."

_Anniversaries. Anniversaries. Oh God. What have I done? _"I don't know how to fix this Derek." Addison whispered.

"Me neither."

They sat in silence as the bar began to empty around them.

"We'll get there, Addy."

"Really?"

"Really. I don't think that I can handle loosing you again Lady."

_He called me Lady._

Addison smiled, "Happy Belated Birthday Derek," she whispered as she leaned across the small table to kiss him lightly on lips, "I love you."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Well there is the re-written chapter.

How awesome was last nights episode. I LOVE LOVE LOVED the end.

Reviews inspire me to write faster.


	3. Communication

A/N: I have rewritten Chapter 2 (it's much better now) so you might want to go back a re-read it. Also you may or may not have noticed that the chapters and stuff are song titles (Just like the show!) So if you are curious...

Title - Miniature Disasters by KT Tunstall

Chapter 1 - Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar

Chapter 2 - Heart of Glass by Blondie

Chapter 3 - Communication by The Cardigans

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**November**

**XXXX**

**Addison**

_8:47am_

"How do you feel thing are coming?"

"They aren't. We never talk about anything that matters and we barely spend anytime together outside of work." Addison was not in the mood to sugar coat things.

"Have you told him that you want to spend more time with him."

"Yes," _Not that he ever listens to me._

"Addison," the doctor leaned forward, "Is there something else going on?"

_Oh, you mean why am I being a bitch? _"I am just getting frustrated with the situation."

"Have you done anything to fix the situation?"

"I moved across the country."

"I meant about spending time with your husband. You need to tell him exactly what you need for this to work."

"I want us to get back what we lost. I need us to live under the same roof, sleep in the same bed and I need him to love me again."

"What can you do to get that?"

"I don't know."

_10:32pm_

_He is not going to like this. But at this point I don't care. _"I bought us an apartment today Derek. It doesn't make sense for me to keep staying at a hotel."

"Us? You bought an apartment for us? To live in together? You could have talked to me about it first."

_Tell you so you could give me the brush off, disappear into surgery for 3 days. I don't think so, _"Every time I even mention the thought of us moving back in together you blow me off and rush into surgery."

"It's too soon."

_What? Idiot, that is the worst excuse I have ever heard. _"To soon? Derek we have been back together for 8 weeks and nothing has really changed."

"Plenty has changed."

_AAAGGGGHHHHH _"Nothing Derek. Nothing has changed. We still don't talk. We go out to eat and then go back to our separate homes, separate beds."

"Addison it is too soon. We are not ready to have that... intimate of a relationship."

_Oh Jesus. I am not going to fight about our sex life in the middle of the hospital, _"You think that this is about sex Derek? Do you think that I moved all the way across the country for SEX? We don't have to have sex. If you don't want to have sex that's fine." _Or maybe I will fight about this here._

"Addison you are being ridiculous."

_You are not serious. I don't even know what to say to that,_"WHAT? I AM BEING RIDICULOUS?"

"YES YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS. You expect me to just drop everything and move in with you just because you ask."

_I moved across the goddamn country because you asked, I am asking you to move across town,_"We need to start living together again Derek. Do you have a better solution?"

"If you are so eager to cohabitant move into the trailer with me."

"Now who is being ridiculous Derek." _Seriously._

"Why not?"

"Can you picture me in the wilderness?" _There are spiders in the woods. I hate spiders._

"Yes, and you look beautiful."

_True... "Flattery_ will only get you so far Derek."

"I'm counting on it getting me as far as I need to go."

_I am not staying here if he is going to be a stubborn ass. _"I'm leaving, I have to work. But I am not moving into that trailer."

**XXXX**

**Derek**

_10:32pm_

"I bought us an apartment today Derek. It doesn't make sense for me to keep staying at a hotel."

_She what? She bought US WHAT? _"Us? You bought an apartment for us? To live in together? _Jesus. _You could have talked to me about it first."

"Every time I even mention the thought of us moving back in together you blow me off and rush into surgery."

_We cannot live together right now. We would kill each other,_"It's too soon,"

"To soon? Derek we have been back together for 8 weeks and nothing has really changed."

"Plenty has changed." _I've left Meredith, you've moved to Seattle, We spend half our waking hours fighting or in therapy talking about why we are fighting..._

"Nothing Derek. Nothing has changed. We still don't talk. We go out to eat and then go back to our separate homes, separate lives, separate beds."

_Sex? We are not ready for sex, at least not sex with any emotion, other then anger and resentment. _"Addison it is too soon. We are not ready to have that... intimate of a relationship."

"You think that this is about sex Derek? Do you think that I moved all the way across the country for SEX?_ Addison it would not be the first time that one of us moved across the country because of YOUR sex life._ We don't have to have sex. If you don't want to have sex that's fine."

_This is to much. I am not having this fight anymore. "Addison_ you are being ridiculous."

"WHAT? I AM BEING RIDICULOUS?"

_AGH this woman is infuriating, _"YES YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS. You expect me to just drop everything and move in with you just because you ask."

"We need to start living together again Derek. Do you have a better solution?"

_I do but your not going to like it. And right now that makes me like it more. "If_ you are so eager to cohabitate, move into the trailer with me."

"Now who is being ridiculous Derek."

"Why not?" _Because there are no restaurants, no coffee shops, no signs of civilization for 20 minutes in any direction. And spiders._

"Can you picture me in the wilderness?"

_That's actually kinda... hot... "Yes_ and you look beautiful."

"Flattery will only get you so far Derek."

_Darling flattery will get me anywhere with you,_"I'm counting on it getting me as far as I need to go."

"I'm leaving, I have to work. But I am not moving into that trailer." _We'll see about that._

_2:45am_

"So?" Richard questioned as he joined Derek in the elevator.

"So." Derek repeated.

"How is the therapy going?"

"Slowly."

"What's holding you back?" Richard pushed.

"Your really nosey."

"Yes, yes I am. Addison gave up a lot for you, I don't want to see you mess it up."

"She gave up a lot? I..."

"She worked extremely hard to get her practice where it is, and she gave it all up because you asked her too. And how do you thank her? You follow around Meredith Grey looking for retribution. How do you think that makes her feel?"

"She is being unreasonable. She wants us to move in together. And she still get jealous every time I work with Meredith."

"Is that anymore unreasonable then asking her to drop everything and move here? As for Meredith, that is not unreasonable at all."

"Yes it," Derek replied "I work with her Meredith."

Richard raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything.

"I know, I know." Derek continued. "I know what she means. I just don't understand why it is so important to her."

"You don't? Derek did you ever think that it bothers her that you were apart less then 2 months and you had a relationship with a woman 10 years younger then her? A relationship Derek. It wasn't a one time thing. You have feeling for Meredith and Addison knows it."

"Are you taking her side?"

"No," Richard paused, "But can you think of anything that you could have done to hurt Addison more?"

Derek was silent,"No."

"Do you really want to work this out?" Richard pushed again, determined to get to the bottom of the issue.

"I'm afraid that things still won't work out," Derek replied honestly, "I can't destroy her like that, and I can't handle loosing her again."

"Then don't loose her," Richard advised, "She is just asking you to try."

_3:59am_

Derek walked through the halls of the neonatal unit looking for his wife.

He found her in an empty on-call room. _Deja-vu._ She sat backwards on a chair her head resting on her arms. _Oh Addison, _He thought as he left the room to find something to take away her pain, _what are you doing to yourself_.

Addison sighed from her chair and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. She had always hated this part. She looked up as someone placed a glass of water and some aspirin in front of her.

"Why are you still doing this to yourself Addy?" Derek asked as he rolled a chair behind her, and putting his hands gently around her waist, began using his thumbs to massage her lower back.

"Wasn't ready to give up," she replied swallowing the pills.

They sat in silence for awhile. Derek couldn't help but remember the endless disappointment. Waiting hand in hand for the good news that never came. Coming home from work so many times to find her curled up in pain, or worse in tears.

"What is it this time?" he asked finally.

"Experimental," she sighed and lay her head back down, "With this one I had up to a 10 chance."

"Had..." he breathed.

"It's not working."

"There is nothing..."

"No."

Derek sat silently trying to absorb the information, "We can move in tomorrow." He said finally, "But we are spending weekends in the trailer. I like the trailer."

Addison laughed, "Ok"

**XXXX**

**Meredith**

_9:18pm_

"Meredith?"

"Dr. Shepherd?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Ok..."

"About us."

"There is no us," _I don't like where this is going. HELP!_

"Meredith," Derek continued. "I want to explain."

"There is nothing to explain Dr. Shepherd." _Did no one hear me when I said HELP!_

"Dr. Grey," Tyler cut in, "I need you to check on this patient."

"Thank you," Meredith shrugged slightly at Derek and left to follow Tyler. "You are my guardian angel."

_1:13am_

"I hate overnight shifts. I am SO tired." Cristina sighed as she, Meredith and Tyler collapsed in the cafeteria.

"At least you have someone to go home to." Meredith pointed out.

"Don't remind me, he always wants to talk. About nothing, like childhood pets. The man has issues." Cristina sighed, "But he does make a good breakfast."

"Hey, why don't we ever hang out with Izzie, Alex and George." Tyler asked.

Cristina and Meredith turned and watched the other interns sit at a nearby table laughing.

"They're to happy," they said in unison.

"We like to be depressed and angry on our own." Meredith continued.

"It's a shame they had to pull Alex over to the side of happiness and rainbows. He used to be so bitter." Cristina said almost regretfully.

"Besides, who asked you to hang out with us," Meredith teased, Tyler had been spending more and more time with them lately. _Not that I mind._

Tyler laughed, "You think that those three are too happy. Try hanging out with the nurses. Some of them will push you over the edge."

Meredith laughed briefly, "Derek tried to talk to me."

"And?" Cristina asked.

"And I sent out a telepathic SOS to Tyler and he saved me."

"I'm like superman."

"You idiot you should have talk to him." Cristina said shaking her head.

"Why?"

"Ok so I am working with McDreamy right, and I was also talking to Izzie. They are having a major fight."

"About what?" Meredith asked almost eagerly.

"I don't know."

"You need to take lessons from the nurses" Tyler advised, "You suck at getting gossip."

_4:13am_

"OK." Cristina said sitting next to Meredith in the stairwell. "I may have overheard something."

"Something what?"

"Something about McDreamy."

"Just McDreamy?"

"No," Cristina glanced at Meredith, "I think that are moving back in together."

Meredith leaned against the stairwell. "This sucks."

"Well if it makes you feel better, I think that she is sick or something, she looks horrible. And miserable," Cristina offered. "And their sex life... non-exsistant."

Meredith laughed. _That actually makes me really happy._

_**XXXXXXXXXX**_

There is another chapter. I'm sorry if the story is not going where you want it to, but lately I haven't been feeling the Meredith/Derek vibe.

Reviews please!


	4. All I Want For Christmas is You

A/N : Ok this chapter goes in order there is no skipping forward and going back. And it goes by date not time. And Derek and Addison's parts are kinda together, mostly. Are we confused enough yet?

This chapter is named after **All I Want for Christmas is You**, which everyone has a version of (I like the one from _Love Actually_) although I seriously considered **Christmas Without You, **or **A Christmas to Remember **both by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton ( I LOVE Dolly Parton, I am not even kidding, it's sick really). All three pertain to this chapter... actually Addison's part is really **All I Want for Christmas is You, **Meredith's is **Christmas Without You, **and Derek's is **A Christmas to Remember, **so basically this chapter has three titles.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**December**

**XXXX**

_December 22nd _

_Addison_

"This is getting ridiculous." Addison groaned trying to work out the kinks in her neck.

"At least the trailer has a real mattress," Derek groaned back, twisting and turning, trying to fix his back. "Could you slip this disk back into place?"

"Not that it matters," Addison muttered, ignoring his request.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that we are living like roommates."

"What?"

"Sex Derek. Sex."

"Addy."

"All I am saying is that I would be much more excepting of sleeping on the floor if it was because we couldn't make it to the bed."

"It was your idea to stay at the apartment." Derek tried to stretch again, "Please, my back."

"Seriously Derek? Try to focus on the point here."

"Did my favorite couple not get their morning coffee." Webber asked jovially.

"Let's just say that 4 nights on an air mattress are starting to take their toll on my spine."

"And my neck," Addison added as she walked away.

"Addy, my back. Please, for the love of God." Derek almost begged.

"Jesus Derek," Addison walked briskly over and not so gently, cracked Dereks back, "Better _Dear_?"

"Thank you _Sweetheart_."

_December 22nd_

_Meredith_

"Still not talking to me?"

Meredith tried not to listen as Derek spoke to his wife.

"I don't really have anything to say to you right now," Addison retorted, one hand on her hip.

"Do you even remember what we are fighting about?"

"Yes," she raised an eyebrow.

"Right," Derek blushed slightly.

"Your blushing Dr. Shepherd." Dr. Webber remarked as he walked by, "and your standing under the mistletoe."

Derek, Addison and Meredith all looked to the ceiling above Addison and Derek.

Addison smirked slightly, seemingly daring Derek to kiss her.

Derek took the dare, leaning forward and kissing her cheek. He started to walk away, and Meredith started to breath a sigh of relief, when Addison took Dereks hand forcing him to look at her again. Meredith tried and failed to look away as Derek walked back and kissed Addison quickly but firmly on the lips.

"I'm still not talking to you," Addison called over her shoulder as she smiled and walked in Meredith's direction.

Addison saw Meredith and paused.

"Sorry. I didn't know you where standing there."

"It's ok. You don't need to apologize."

"Don't I?"

"No. I don't care what you and Derek do."

"Your a horrible liar Meredith," Addison said with a gentel laugh as she touched her shoulder and walked away, "I'll stay out of your way."

_December 23rd_

_Derek_

Derek lay awake waiting.

_2:37am_

If it was going to happen it would happen soon. He lay there and watched Addison. She looked so peaceful.

She breathing slowly started to get shallower.

_Damnit, _Derek thought.

He ran his hand across her cheek, "Shhhh," he whispered softly, "It's ok," he assured her as he continued to caress her cheek and hair.

Sometimes that was all it would take. She would calm down and sleep peacefully the rest of the night. This was not one of those nights.

Her breathing got rapid. She began to tremble.

"Addison," Derek sighed as he pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly.

"Derek?"

"Your awake," Derek released her slightly, unwilling to let her go until she had stopped shaking.

"Yeah," she whispered uncertainly as she pulled away from Derek and pulled the blankets close around her.

"You ok?"

"Ya," Addison said uncertainly. "Thanks for..."

"It's ok." Derek smiled slightly, "Go back to sleep."

Addison continued to stare at him, "Has it been happening alot? The nightmares?"

"Not to often," Derek answered honestly, "and they don't usually get to bad. Do you not remember them in the morning?"

Addison stared at the ceiling"No. I just wake up feeling... alone, and scared, and... empty." She turned to look him in the eye, "You wake up to wait for them? Still?"

Derek smiled, "I can't sleep if you are going to toss and turn half the night." he teased, "Go back to sleep."

Addison nodded, still shook up.

"Addison?"

"Yeah?" she whispered.

"I know they were getting worse befor," Derek wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to the question he was about ask, "Did they... after I... left?"

Addison didn't answer, she just looked away.

"I'm sorry." Derek mumered.

"Hey," Addison reached over and rested her hand on her husbands cheek, "Don't worry about me. I'll be ok. I'm pretty tough."

_Your not nearly as tough as you think you are Addy._

_December 23rd_

_Meredith_

"I hate the holidays." Meredith groaned as she watched some nurses decorate for Christmas.

"Of course you hate the holidays," Cristina said sitting down beside her holding a cup of awful smelling liquid, "Your bitter. Bitterness and Christmas cheer do not belong together."

"Speaking of bitterness, what are you drinking? It's making me nauseous."

"Cider. Burke made it, and as his girlfriend I am being supportive and drinking it. As the human being whose taste buds are being tortured, I am thinking it needs a lot of rum."

"Meredith!"

Meredith looked up to see Adele Webber barreling down the hall carrying several large books.

"Adele." Meredith grinned, allowing herself to be embraced by the older woman, "I missed you the last few times you were in the hospital."

"Avoiding me more like it," Adele grinned and turned to Cristina, "I have stories about Meredith as a child..."

"Adele, this is Cristina Yang." Meredith said, desperate to change the subject.

"Preston's girlfriend?" Adele asked giving Cristina a once over.

"Yes..." Cristina answered, desperate to change the subject back, "So stories about Meredith?"

"I have pictures in here of Burke when he was first starting out, and a few of Meredith as a toddler," Adele set the books, which were actually large photo albums, on the counter, "I brought these over for Richard, he is putting together a slide show for New Years Eve, but your not suppose to know about that. Here we go. Look at that hair."

"Wow." Cristina snickered, "If I ever need to black mail him I will know where to go."

"Oh I have copies." Adele said with a smile, "take one."

Cristina's smile couldn't have gotten bigger if a gory surgery was offered, "I'm going to go weasel my way into some surgeries that I don't deserve. Mrs. Webber, you are my new best friend."

Adele smiled as Cristina almost skipped off, "They seem like two of a kind."

"They are," Meredith agreed, "What else do you have in there? There must be a few embarrassing ones of the Chief."

"Oh I don't know about that," Adele laughed, "But I do have some of your mother in here." Adele opened another book, "Here, these ones are about 10 years old I think."

Meredith felt the bile rise in her throat. They were wedding picture. Derek and Addison's wedding pictures. Her mother, Derek, Addison and Richard stood together, arms around each other, Addison and Derek looking happily into each others eyes.

"My mother was at the Shepherds wedding?"

"Oh yes." Adele reminisced, "Oh it was the most beautiful wedding. Richard gave Addison away, her father left when she was very young you know, and her stepfather had just passed away. Heartbreaking. Anyway, they were SO happy. Your mother gave the most beautiful speech at the reception... though I can't for the life of me remember what she said, but everyone was in tears."

"Adele?" Addison came up the hall behind them. "I didn't know you were coming in today."

Meredith tried to make herself invisible.

"I was just showing Meredith some old pictures of her mother and we came across some of your wedding photo's."

A look of horror quickly passed over Addison's face. "Adele," she said quickly, closing the album "Meredith doesn't want to see pictures of us looking like fools. Do you remember some of the fashion disasters we committed back then." Addison ushered Adele towards Richard's office. "I'm sorry." she whispered to Meredith as she brushed by.

"What was that all about?" Tyler asked, joining a dumbfounded Meredith at the counter.

"Addison. She is trying to make it as hard as possible for me to hate her."

_December 24th_

_Meredith_

"What you doing here?" Meredith asked in surprise.

"Izzie invited me over," Tyler pushed his way past Meredith and into the house.

"Izzie isn't here. You have luggage."

"She invited me to spend Christmas with you guys. She didn't tell you?"

"No."

"Oh. Where is the liquor."

"On the coffee table."

"Excellent." Tyler pulled Meredith into the living room with him, "Let the holiday drinking games begin."

_4 hours later_

"Holy Jesus in a Manger. What happened?" Izzie and Alex looked in amazement to see Meredith and Tyler in there pajama's, half sitting, half laying, half in the living room, half in the hall. Drunk. Very Drunk.

"We are playing games," Meredith explained, trying very hard not to slur her words and failing miserably, "Every time someone sings Christmas, you take a drink." Meredith indicated the stereo, which was indeed playing christmas carols, with a wide sweeping gesture aimed nowhere near the actual location of the stereo.

"Wow." George said joining the group. "They are drunk."

"Thanks for the update George." Alex muttered rolling his eyes, "What do we do with them?"

"Drag them up to bed?" Izzie suggested.

"Together?" George asked uncertainly.

"I don't think we have to worry about anything" Alex pointed out, watching Meredith and Tyler who had suddenly become fascinated with the reflection of Izzie's earring on the wall, "They are definitely not going to be getting busy tonight."

_December 25th _

_CHRISTMAS DAY!_

_Meredith_

"Wake up sleepy heads." Izzie popped her head into Meredith's room, "It's Christmas!"

"I hate Christmas." Meredith muttered burying herself deeper under the blankets.

"Don't move," Tyler groaned.

"You and your damn drinking game."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Izzie says that if you are not downstairs in 3 minutes she is drinking the last of the coffee and not making more." George called down the hall.

"Geez." Meredith slowly maneuvered her way out of bed.

"Come on," Tyler pulled her the rest of the way out of bed, having been a bit faster. "I am not willing to make my own coffee."

_2 hours later_

"Are you going to move from that couch at any point today?" George asked as he walked around the living room picking up wrapping paper.

"No," Meredith replied from the pile of pillows and blankets that she and Tyler had buried themselves in, "If I move, I'll be sick."

"Drinking's bad," Tyler murmured. "I am never drinking again."

"Well do you need anything?" George asked. He did feel kinda bad for them. They really did look like they might die.

"Water," Tyler requested, unable to open his eyes.

"And the remote," Meredith asked, sticking her hand out from under the covers.

"Ok." George handed her the remote and headed for the kitchen. 20 minutes later he returned and sighed. Meredith had managed to find a Christmas movie on TV, but they both also seemed to have managed to fall asleep, each curled up on their own end of the couch.

"It's probably better this way," Izzie said coming up behind him, "If they were awake you would have to take care of them."

The roommates stood side by side and surveyed the scene.

"Do you think that they are... you know."

"George, if they were sleeping together, we would know."

"But do you think that..."

"Do I think they are interested in each other?" Izzie pondered the question a moment, "I think they are friends. Good friends. But friends. Maybe later on, they'll decided they aren't friends, and we will have to buy earplugs, but I think we can sleep easy for now."

"Ya, that's what I think to," George nodded, following Izzie back to the kitchen, "And I think that he might be good for her, not better then me, but a solid runner-up."

"You would think that they would realize that just because our eyes are closed that we are not necessarily asleep." Meredith murmured.

"Seriously," Tyler murmured back, "Your feet stink."

"Well yours are no picnic either," Meredith groaned as she sat up and crawled over so she was lying beside Tyler not across from him.

"Merry Christmas Mer," Tyler whispered as they both started to fall asleep again.

"Merry Christmas.

_5 hours later_

"Hello?" Meredith groggily answered her phone.

"What time is Izzie having dinner at?" Cristina demanded.

"I don't know," Meredith looked around, Tyler had woken up when the phone ran and had since covered his face with a pillow, "We haven't moved for the couch all day."

"So you'll still be nice and hung over for turkey, perfect." Cristina looked around her and put her hand on her hip, "So I am at the hospital."

"Why? It's Christmas."

"Why not," Cristina continued down the hall, "but I am on my way out, I just have to find Burke. Is everyone hung over or should I still bring alcohol?"

"It's just me and Tyler," Meredith could hear Cristina's heels echoing on the hospital floor.

"Nurse Gorgeous?" Cristina raised an eyebrow as she joined Burke at the counter, "Your camped out on the couch with Nurse Gorgeous?"

"He is a friend Cristina,"

"A friend," Tyler echoed through the pillow.

"Right. I've found Burke and we are leaving in 2 minutes, So you and Nurse Gorgeous have... 20 minutes, to do... whatever. Bye Mer." Cristina grinned and hung up the phone.

"You look nice Dr. Yang," Addison's voice floated over from the other side of the nurses station where she was sitting with Derek.

"Dr. Shepherd, and Dr. Shepherd." Cristina started awkwardly, "I didn't know you were there."

"Clearly," Derek replied.

"We should be going." Burke cut in, "Merry Christmas." Burke put his arm around Cristina's waist and guided her to the elevator.

_December 25th_

_CHRISTMAS DAY!_

_Derek_

"Did you know that they were seeing each other?" Derek asked as the elevator shut on Burke and Cristina.

"No, but I am out of the loop. They look good together."

"They do." Derek agreed as he stood up.

"Did you know that Meredith was seeing someone?"

Derek paused, "No."

"Does it bother you?"

"Yes," Derek looked at his wife, "Does _that_ bother you?" he challenged her.

"Yes." Addison bit her lip, "Derek..."

"I'm working Addison."

"Derek..."

"We'll talk about it later."

Derek and Addison fell silent as they finished up charts.

"What?" Derek asked. Both he and Addison were suddenly back to their irritable selves, and she kept looking at him like she wanted to say something.

"Nothing."

"What is it Addison."

"_Nothing_."

"_Addison!"_

"Your right Derek. We are at work, we can discuss it later." Addison went back to her charts but continued to watch him out of the corner of her eye.

"_Addison! Stop!" _Derek muttered through clenched teeth.

"I'm not..." Addison began, but she was cut off by Derek grabbing her arm and half dragging her into the office next to the nurses station.

"Out!" he ordered two interns who were taking a break. "What is your problem?" he demanded as soon as the door was shut.

"What is my problem?"

"Yes! YOUR problem. You never keep anything to yourself, so whatever it is just tell me."

"_Derek!"_

"Stop pouting Addison. I swear to God!"

"I _refuse _to discuss this here Derek."

"Is it Meredith?"

"No."

"Your upset because I care that she is seeing someone."

"It's not Meredith. Actually it would bother me more if you didn't care. At least you are still capable of feeling something for someone."

"_What are you talking about,_ _what is it_!" Derek and Addison's voices kept getting louder and louder, their words over lapping as they fought.

"I'm mad."

"Your mad? At _what_ Addison. What could I possibly be doing now that you are mad about?"

"Nothing Derek. That is the entire problem. You are doing nothing."

"You cheated on ME!"

"And you think that is all MY fault? Did you ever ask yourself WHY?"

"What MORE do you want Addison?"

"I WANT YOU TO TRY!"

"I AM TRYING"

"NO YOUR NOT! YOUR PRETENDING TO TRY SO YOU CAN SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT. I'M CONFUSED DEREK. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE."

"_I think that we both know that I am not sleeping better at night_."

"That's what's confusing me Derek." Addison almost whispered, "I don't understand. We seemed to be getting closer again."

"We are."

"Then what are you waiting for?"

"What are you talking about Addison?" Derek was exhausted he couldn't take this conversation anymore.

"Do you still love me?" Addison asked, "Sometimes I think you do. When you wake up in the middle of the night in case I have a nightmare, then I think you love me. When you kiss me, I think you still love me. But then you get so distant. Derek I know you have feeling for Meredith, I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me but at least I am willing to talk about it. But you won't talk to me, you can't even look at me half the time. Derek you can't even make love to me. I just need to know if you love me."

"I am trying to protect you."

"I don't need protecting Derek, I need my husband back."

"And I need my wife to be ok."

"I am ok."

"Your not Ok Addison. Your not Ok."

"_Derek"_

"I am not going to let myself hurt you again Addison." With that Derek turned and left the room. "I'm going home."

_December 25th_

_CHRISTMAS DAY!_

_Addison_

"I got you a Christmas present." Addison slammed a rather large box on the newly delivered kitchen table and walked away.

"I thought we weren't getting gifts. We were going to get stuff for the house." Derek followed her into the living room were she had collapsed on the floor in front of the couch that still had the plastic on it.

"Well strictly speaking, it is for the house."

Derek looked at Addison curiously, but opened the box, "Sheets."

"I bought a couple different kinds since you seem to have some sort of bipolar sheet disorder." Addison still hadn't looked at Derek, "There are Italian Paisleys, which are your favorite, cotton, which we both hate but for all I know are your new favorites, and flannel, which are _my_ favorite but you seem to be under the misguided..." Addison trailed off, "You idiot."

"I had alot of good memories with those sheets." Derek smiled guiltily.

"God Derek," Addison started to laugh,"I actually lost sleep thinking that I didn't even know what kind of sheets my husband liked."

Derek laughed and moved to sit next to her, "Do you remember when we got them."

"Yes," Addison smiled, "You complained all night that you were to hot."

"Well you are always so damn cold."

Addison started to giggle, "And when I got those flannel pajama's, and wore them with the flannel sheets."

Derek laughed, "I couldn't touch you without getting a shock."

"Not that it stopped you."

"I always liked a challenge." Derek shook his head remembering.

"And the neighbors were banging on the wall because we were laughing so loud."

"Your hair was literally standing on end the next morning."

Addison collapsed in a fit of giggles. "And we spent the rest of the week making jokes about friction that no one understood." Addison gave up on trying to sit upright and just lay down on the floor. "My stomach hurts."

"We had some good times."

Addison turned her head to look him better, "We'll have more."

"Ya." Derek reached out his hand to pull her up so she was sitting up facing him. "I do love you." he told her brushing some hair out of her face.

"I know," she smiled, "I just needed you to say it."

"I still don't think we are ready too..."

"That's ok," Addison cut him off, "This is enough. I'm just glad that we are together for Christmas."

"Me too," Derek leaned forward and kissed his wife, leaving no doubt in her mind that he loved her.

Addison pulled away, resting her forhead on his, "But for the record... whenever you are ready..."

Derek laughed, "So I got you something too," he smiled.

"Really?" Addison asked coyly, "I love presents."

Derek reached into his pocket and pulled out a oblong jewelry box. Opening it he revealed and dainty white gold chain. "I noticed that the one you were wearing was getting kinda old.

Addison's hand went to her chest were the heavy gold chain hung. Looking pensively at her husband for a moment she reached behind her neck and undid the clasp. Pulling the chain away from her neck Derek saw that there was something hanging from the end.

"My wedding ring."

"I was holding on to it until you wanted to wear it again."

Derek smiled and held out his hand.

Grinning Addison slipped the ring on to his finger.

Derek intertwined his fingers with Addison's and they stayed seated on the floor completely content until life, and the pagers that come with it, brought them back to earth.

_December 31st_

_NEW YEARS EVE_

_Derek_

"How is your sex life?"

The room became still. Neither Derek or Addison said anything.

"You still haven't taken that step?"

"No." They both knew where this was ultimately going, and neither wanted to get into it. Derek shared a quick look with Addison, and with that looked they decided that they were in this together, therapist be damned. If they didn't want to talk about it, they weren't going to.

"Why?"

Derek and Addison looked at at the therapist, but didn't reply.

"We aren't ready. Emotionally." Derek said finally, crossing his arms and closing the subject.

"How is the move coming along?" the therapist asked, trying a different approach.

Derek answered halfheartedly, "Addison picked a fixer-upper, but we were mostly moved in by Christmas."

"Your wearing your wedding band," the therapist noted.

"Yes."

The therapist decided to get right to the root, "What is going on that you aren't telling me?"

Addison looked away, but gave Derek's hand a slight squeeze when she felt his fingers wrap around hers. They might as well throw him a bone.

"Addison has nightmares."

"Nightmares?"

"She's had them for years."

The doctor nodded, "When did they start?"

"About..." Derek started but was silenced by the Doctor.

"Addison?"

"About 7 years ago."

"Did anything happen around that time that could have triggered the nightmares."

Addison took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling as she exhaled, "I miscarried."

"You were trying to have children?"

Addison and Derek were like statues. Neither of them moved. The conversation had gone far enough.

"I think that our time is up, we will see you next week," Derek said suddenly, pulling Addison up with him as he stood. " Happy New Year" he added putting his arm protectively around his wife's waist and leading her to the door.

"I need to go to the hospital." Addison said as soon as they reached the parking lot.

"I'll come with you." Derek said not moving his hand from her waist, but turning to face her, "We need the distraction."

Addison sighed and pressed her forehead to his, her hand resting by his jawbone, "Are we ever going to be able to talk about this?"

"Yes." He promised "But not tonight."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ok I am posting another chapter either tomorrow or Tuesday, depends on reviews.


	5. Begin Again

So here is another chapter. This one is named after **Begin Again **by Gratitude.

Also, I apologize if you guys aren't liking how this is going. Basically I wanted to explore Addison and Derek's relationship, which in many ways is easier to do if they are together trying to put things back together. Anyway, for now Addison and Derek are happy, but they aren't going to stay that way, there are still a lot of things to know about them, so I am thinking that March is going to be another turning point for them. I have at least two major complications in store for them. And as for Meredith, I know she is miserable right now but she is going to cheer up, I am not sure how or when but she will.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**January**

_**January 1st**_

_**NEW YEARS DAY!**_

_**Addison**_

_2:37am_

"As you all may have noticed, "Richard began standing in front of a large white screen address the very small staff that he had managed to round up, New Years was a busy night on the surgical floor, "We have all gotten busy and forgotten to ring in the New Year. So we are going to ring it in..." Richard's pager, along with a dozen others, went off "as soon as I get back. In the mean time I am going to show this slide show that I have been working on all week, so unless your patient is coding, you better be watching this."

"This won't be to bad, we have only been here a few months." Derek sighed with relief, as he sat down next to Addison on a gurney and passed her a bowl of reheated spaghetti and meatballs.

"Except that he has known us for 15 years. And he wouldn't put up anything mean of me, but the 90's was a bad decade for your hair." Addison whispered back, "And he has our wedding pictures."

"Damn." Derek's eyes went briefly to Meredith who was joking with Tyler and the other interns as they left the nurse station, answering their pages.

"She's already seen them." Addison informed him. "Adele was showing her pictures of her mother. I apologized but..."

_A long series pictures of staff long since gone flashed on the screen._

"I didn't know we were doing anything special today," Addison said, taking a bite of her spaghetti.

"We still have to eat," Derek said with a smile,

Addison smiled back, "So do you recognize any of these people?"

"No," Derek replied, "Wanna go find some coffee?" he asked as he stood up.

"Sit back down," Webber ordered, returning to the nurses station, "I went through a lot of trouble making this and you haven't even seen the best part."

"But there is no one here." Derek pointed out, motioning around them, 4 or 5 nurses remained but they weren't playing the least bit of attention.

"I don't care. You are going to watch it and you are going to like it."

"Well then I say we skip ahead," Derek jumped up, as Webber crossed the room to talk to the nurses, and grabbed the remote, flipping through the pictures, pausing as people walked by and made comments. Eventually the pictures seemed to be centering more and more on Derek and Addison as interns.

"Is it just me," Derek blushed as a picture of him and Addison flashed on the screen. Addison as an intern, dressed as Cleopatra, was being wheeled through the hall, in a wheelchair, by Derek who was dressed as a Roman slave, "But are there a lot of picture of us?"

"Nice costume Dr. Shepherd!" Someone called out.

"I lost a bet." Derek replied as another picture appeared of the same day but now Derek was fanning Addison with a giant fan made of medical supplies.

Addison started to laughed, "I think that Richard is trying to tell us something," Addison whispered to Derek, before raising her voice to call across the room, "Richard, are there other people in this slide show?"

"It's not my fault that you two were always doing something stupid," Richard retorted, "and I cut a lot of the truly insane stuff. These poor people will have to experience that for themselves." The few remaining staff laughed.

"We were not that bad." Derek protested.

"Really? Because I have already booked off Valentines day and both your birthdays. I can't handle another year of that insanity. I almost didn't come in today."

_More pictures flashed on the screen._

"Wow. My hair really was bad," Derek laughed.

"I looked good." Addison said smiling, "But I always look good."

"Your so vain," Derek teased her.

"Or truthful, however you want to look at it."

"Dr. Shepherd?" Izzie approached with a chart, "I need you to sign this."

"No problem." Addison smiled, "Everything's going all right?"

"Ya," Izzie replied, "Actually everyone in neonatal is pretty much asleep. It's like a New Years miracle."

_A picture of Addison stitching up a large gash on Derek's forehead appeared on the screen._

"That looks really painful," Izzie commented.

"Yes, it was." Derek commented looking at Addison pointedly.

"It was an accident," Addison protested.

"You hit him?" Izzie asked, "How?"

Addison raised her eyebrow. "You really want to hear this?" She was slightly uncomfortable talking about her past with Derek, especially to one of Meredith's best friends.

"I don't know, actually." Izzie responded, "I'll stop you if I find myself liking you too much."

"That's fair," Addison chuckled.

"I wouldn't worry about liking her, she attacked me." Derek began, "I was just talking to her..."

"He was stalking me,"Addison corrected "he was always following me around."

"Not true," Derek protested to Izzie, "We just happened to get assigned to all the same cases."

"I saw you trading cases almost everyday!"

"Ok the point is I was trying to ask her out to dinner,"

"For the millionth time."

"You are exaggerating, I asked you out twice."

"Twice a day for months," Addison argued, "Long story short, he was asking me out _again_, and I was turning him down _again_..."

"Why _did_ you keep turning me down?"

"Because you were awkward, nervous, terrified of a scalpel and it took you at least 3 months to be able to speak in complete sentences around me." Addison responded sweetly.

"Right." Derek grinned, "But the moral of the story is that she viciously attacked me for no reason."

"I turned around and accidentally hit him with my chart."

"But you went out with him." Izzie clarified.

"And he managed to screw up almost every detail of his carefully planned date."

"Maybe my plan was to screw everything up. Maybe everything went perfectly." Derek stood up, "Coffee?" he asked Izzie before crossing the room.

"That is quite possibly the sweetest story I have ever heard," Izzie declared with a frown, "I am disgusted with myself." she looked back to the screen. "Why are they showing your wedding pictures?"

Addison looked slightly uncomfortable, and busied herself by transferring her meatballs to Derek's bowl. "It's our anniversary," She explained finally.

"Oh," now Izzie was the uncomfortable one, "Ok. I get it. The spaghetti, the meatballs. It's that movie things. Gottcha."

"What?" _How does she know about that?_

"Meredith told me," Izzie explained, "And by the way, it's really weird."

To Izzie's surprise Addison laughed, "I know." _If I don't explain this she is going to think I am insane_, "On our first date Derek took me to the movies. But the one he had planned on, the perfect first date movie was sold out, so we ended up seeing _Lady and the Tramp _with a hundred 6 year olds. Then the French restaurant Derek choose lost our reservation, although personally I don't think that he had one to begin with. So we ended up at this run-down Italian place that seemed to only serve spaghetti, and not very well. I ended up with meatballs, and I am a vegetarian."

"So... you gave them to him." Izzie nodded, "Like in the movie."

"Like in the movie." Addison smiled.

Izzie stared hard at her, "He broke her heart," she said finally, "Because of you."

Addison looked away, "It is impossible not to love him."

"Coffee," Derek smiled and handed Izzie a steaming mug, "4 sugars no cream, and tea with honey," he added passing Addison her drink.

"I should go," Izzie said finally, "Congratulations," she added sincerely.

"You told her?" Derek asked as Izzie walked away.

"I told her."

**XXXX**

_**Meredith**_

_2:59 am_

Meredith stood out of sight watching Izzie talking to Addison. _Traitor _she thought.

"You talked to her for along time." Meredith stated as Izzie finally came around the corner.

"She's my boss."

"So your telling me that you talked about medicine the entire time you were over there."

"Yes."

"Izzie. Your lying."

"Look Meredith I don't know what you want me to say." Izzie said, frustration entering her voice, "Yes I was talking to her. I know you don't want to hear this but she is a good person. She is not evil, she is not satan, she is so much like you and me that it's scary."

"She stole him from me."

"Meredith, did you ever really have him?"

Meredith remained silent.

"Meredith look at them," Izzie motioned to the Shepherds who were still watching the slide show, talking and laughing, "They are happy. They have their problems, but who doesn't."

"It won't last," Meredith replied stubbornly.

Izzie sighed, "It's their anniversary today. He made her spaghetti, because that is what they had on their first date. He is not leaving her."

"But..."

"It's time to move one. Start the new year fresh." Izzie touched Meredith's arm sympathetically as she walked away.

"So we have broken our New Years resolutions already. How about you?" Tyler asked as he and Cristina approached Meredith.

Meredith ignored Tylers question,"Derek's wearing his wedding ring. It's their anniversary. He made _her_ supper." Meredith sighed.

Tyler and Cristina glanced at each other.

"Hey but look on the bright side. In 12 hours we are off duty and can spend the first full evening of the new year getting sloshed."

"Ya," Cristina added, "You love liquor."

"We all love liquor."

"Do you ever think that maybe we drink to much?" Cristina reflected.

"Maybe I should give up drinking for the new year," Meredith suggested.

"Now you've just gone crazy," Cristina stated, "Think of something practical. Like me, I resolved to care more about other people. It's not working but, whatever."

"I'm going to move on," Meredith said finally.

"I said practical."

**XXXX**

_**Derek**_

_6:17am_

Derek sat in an old battered armchair in an empty on-call room. He needed to think. The last 6 months had been crazy. Addison. Meredith. Addison and Meredith. Half the time he didn't know which way was up. And he would be lying if he said that he never questioned wether or not he had made the right decision, taking Addison back. Things had been so much simpler with Meredith. She was so understanding. She saw things that no one else saw. She could look at someone, anyone, and see right into their soul. She could open herself up to him. She was strong. She wouldn't have hurt him. Everything was complicated with Addison, but he couldn't turn his back on her. He couldn't forget her. He couldn't get her out of his head, she was ingrained in every part of him. When he pictured his future, it was still Addison that he saw standing beside him. Sometimes he found himself watching Addison and he couldn't believe how amazing she was. They could have entire conversations with out saying a word. But they could also close themselves off and not let the other in. They could hurt each other.

"I am exhausted," Addison muttered to no one in-particular as she stretched and walked into the on-call room.

Derek watched his wife, the biggest lie would be if he said that he didn't love her, "If you sleep now you will never be able to sleep tonight." he advised.

"I know," Addison sighed as she crossed the room and sat on the edge of a table in the middle of the room, "So..."

"So..." Derek smiled at his wife, "We should talk."

"About?"

"Us."

"Us?" she repeated, "Us good or us bad?"

"Us good." Derek said standing up, "We are doing good. Well better, lately."

"Yeah, we are."

"We just seem to know..."

"How the other is feeling." Addison finished.

"We haven't been like that in a long time."

"No. We haven't."

"I just wanted you to know that..." Derek stood in front of his wife, not touching her.

"That...?"

"I'm glad you came to Seattle, Addison. I may not show it, but I love you."

"I love you too." Addison smiled, "And I am starting to like Seattle, despite the cold."

"Anyway, I just wanted you to know that," Derek said softly as he brushed some hair out of her face.

"Now what?" she whispered.

"How about we play it by ear." Derek suggested decisively capturing her lips with his and pulling her closer to him.

"Derek..." she sighed as he moved to gently caress her jawbone and neck with his lips.

"Shhhhh..." he murmured covering her lips with his again, refusing to break contact with her.

"Derek," she protested again, with a laugh. Backing away slightly, she grinned as Derek pulled her back to him.

"I can't believe you are chickening out," Derek teased as he nibbled on her neck, running his hands over the skin just under the hemline of her shirt.

"I am not chickening out," Addison said pushing him away, "I'd just prefer to lock the door first."

Derek grinned as he crossed the room to lock the door then returned to where she was perched on the table and kissed her again, "You were always the smart one," he whispered as his fingers found the hem of her shirt and swiftly pulled it over her head.

"Are you sure you are ready for this?" Addison murmured distractedly as Derek roamed her skin with his lips and hands.

"Positive." Derek raised his arms as Addison slid the top of his scrubs over his head. As he brought his hands back down he ran his fingers through her hair, then trailed them down her bare back to rest at her waist, urging her closer to him so that their chests touched. "Addison I chose you. For better or worse."

"Which means?" Addison asked slowly moving her hands up over his shoulders, down the bare skin of his chest, to rest on his stomach.

"We got married 12 years ago today so that we could start the new year together." Derek slowly kissed her, his hands moving down to her hips which fit perfectly against his,"I want us to start this year together too."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

So how do you guys feel about that? I really want your feedback. Also if there is something that you want to know about the characters, like what there motivation for something is, just let me know and I will try to work it into future chapters. This story is mostly about character development so I would hate for you guys to feel that there is something missing.

For further motivation, I got a review yesterday, for my other story _What Happens Next, _and the reviewer hated the end (which in my opinion is the the worst part to hate) so in order for that not to happen in this story you need to review and tell me how you feel. I want billions of reviews fighting for room in my inbox.

So, I have exams and then am going home for 3 weeks so it maybe awhile before a new chapter goes up, but MERRY CHRISTMAS, and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!


	6. Your Love

A/N : So I know I said that I was going to be a few weeks before I got another chapter up, but this story is an excellent form of procrastination. Oh, and before I forget, to Emily, I didn't just throw that in for kicks, there was a reason.

This chapter is named after **Your Love** by Tegan and Sara. Do you know how hard it is to find a song that gives the chapter the proper mood and applies to all the main characters who are all feeling different things? Well it's difficult. Especially when you get it in your head that the title should have the word love in it 'cause it is Valentines Day. Like I said, procrastination is key.

And I apologize to all the Meredith and Derek fans but Derek and Addison are annoyingly content with life in this chapter, but not so much in the next one.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**February **

_**Valentine's Day**_

_Addison_

_6:05am_

"No." Addison whined, stretching across the mattress basking in the warm bedding. "I don't want to go to work."

"I hardly believe that," Derek laughed crossing the room to the nightstand to get his watch.

"I don't, I just want to stay in bed all day," Suddenly she propped herself up on her elbow, "What do you say Derek." _I dare you to resist me._

"Tempting," Derek grinned, bending down to kiss her.

Addison grinned back, pulling husband closer, thinking she had won as his arms wrapped around her waist. _Weak, weak man._ Suddenly she was lifted from the bed and placed on the floor in one swift movement.

"But we still have to go to work," Derek teased, kissed her on the forehead, and left her leaning against the wall, pouting.

"Derek," she said as she followed him into the bathroom, "I don't think you understand what I am suggesting," _And I don't give up that easily,_ she raised an eyebrow as she boosted herself on to the counter in front of him.

"Addie I understand perfectly what you are suggesting," Derek continued to play with his hair, no matter what he did it wouldn't lay flat, "If you don't hurry up and get dressed we are going to be late."

_You know I am going to win this one, it's only a matter of time Derek,_"So let's be late," Addison toyed with his belt, "They won't miss us," She pulled him closer and kissed him, "Come on," _Resistance is futile, _she bit her bottom lip slightly and leaned in to whisper in his ear, "You know I'll just keep coming after you... all... day... long." She kissed him lightly under his ear, "In the on-call room," she kissed his neck, "In the scrub room," his collar bone, "In the elevator," his chin, "In the gallery," lips, "Everywhere."

They were late. Very late.

_7:42am_

"Have you seen Dr. Shepherd yet? I need her to sign off on some charts so I can leave." Izzie said to Dr. Bailey.

"No I haven't seen her." Bailey did a double take, "What do you mean 'yet'? She's not here?"

"I told you not to let them work today," Richard chuckled.

"They volunteered," Bailey exclaimed, "Where the hell are they?"

"They'll show up." Richard continued, "Eventually."

"Dr. Shepherd," Izzie sighed with relief, as she saw both Doctor Shepherds walking quickly towards them, slightly flushed, "I need you to sign this."

"Nice of you to join us," Richard chuckled.

"Car wouldn't start," Derek said easily, "I thought you where taking the day off."

"I am." Richard smiled as he walked, "I just thought I would come in and fill in for you two, that car of yours has a tendency to not start on Valentines Day."

**XXXX**

_Meredith _

_10:17am_

"So I was thinking." Tyler began leaning back against his car with his phone, "That since we both have today off we could hangout."

_Interesting... "You_ do know what today is right?" Meredith sat at the kitchen table in her sweatpants and a hugely baggy t-shirt, she glanced around to insure she was alone, then dipped her toast directly into the jam jar.

"Yes, I know what today is. Do you have a hot date?"

Meredith laughed and crammed the rest of the toast in her mouth. "No."

"Do you have to eat while we are on the phone, seriously, it's disgusting."

"Sorry," Meredith mumbled, her mouth still full, _You know you are to close when you can talk with your mouth full and not care,_ "What did you have in mind."

"Well first of all you could let me in. It's freezing out here."

_Shit! _"Your here?"Meredith jumped up from the table and went to the front door.

"If waited for you to drag your ass out of the house 'Meredith and Tyler Day' would never happen." Tyler replied as she opened the door, "Nice hair."

"I just got up," Meredith attempted to smooth her tangled hair down, '_Meredith and Tyler Day'? Ok..._"Before we do anything I have to shower."

"Don't bother," Tyler called after her as she headed upstairs, "Just get dressed."

**XXXX**

_Derek_

_11:59_

Derek and Addison stood in the stairwell. She stood on one side of the railing, he stood on the other. Only one part of their bodies were close enough to make contact.

He was kissing her gently, their lips just barely touching.

"I could do this all day," she sighed between soft, sensual, lingering kisses, their lips hardly making contact.

"I forgot how fun just kissing you was," he said brushing his lips against hers again.

They kissed like this for a few minutes, their lips never touching for more then a few seconds.

"We should stop," Addison sighed, unwilling to pull away.

_Say it like you mean it and I'll consider it, _"Why?" Derek asked kissing her a little harder.

"Because we are at work."

"No one cares." _Whose idea was it to put a railing here?_

"That's a lie," she sighed as Derek moved around the railing, pressing his chest against her back and wrapping his arms around her waist, he kissed her softly on her neck.

"_I_ don't care," he murmured against her skin.

Addison twisted in his arms so she was facing him, "I do." she said as Derek pressed his lips to hers, effectively silencing her for almost a minute.

"Derek, someone is going to walk in." Addison said finally finding the strength to stop kissing him.

"You never cared before," Derek teased her, tightening his arms around her waist, "And after you listed all the places in the hospital you were going to ravish me in..."

"One, before people were used to seeing us together, and they didn't hate me out of loyalty. And two, all the places I suggested had doors that locked.

_Point and match,_"So let's find a door that locks," Derek suggested kissing her again.

"Derek," she groaned, but he ignored her protests and deepened the kiss.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

"Damn," Derek muttered, looking down at his wife's pager. _I hate this hospital right now._

"Sorry, I'll make it up to you though." Addison promised with a grin, " Just find a locking door."

**XXXX**

_Meredith_

_12:26pm_

"Where are we?" _'Cause we seem to be in the middle of a big empty field._

"Here, put this on," Tyler handed her a white jumpsuit.

"What are we doing?" _'Cause we seem to be in the middle of a big empty field._

"Paint ball." Tyler grinned and handed her a gun, "There is absolutely no better way to get rid of your pent up sexual aggression on Valentines Day then by shooting things."

"Pent up sexual aggression?" Meredith raised her eyebrow, _Should I tell him? I haven't even told Cristina..._"Speak for yourself."

"Oh!" Tyler exclaimed, "You've been holding out on me."

"Maybe," Meredith responded slyly has she headed out into the field.

"So..."

"I've just being seeing this guy..." _And that's all I am telling you._

"And..."

"And I don't want to say anything else." Meredith explained, "He is a rebound. It's not going anywhere."

"So why aren't you spending Valentines Day with him?"

'_Cause he is boring as hell, but cute, _Meredith chuckled, "I said I was working. Besides, I would rather hang out with you," she teased.

"Be still my beating heart," Tyler responded with sarcasm, "Does Mr. Rebound have a name?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"No."

**XXXX**

_Derek_

_2:13_

Derek watched his wife perform surgery. They always observed the other if they had a chance. They had picked up enough about each others specialties that they sometime it seemed that they were operating together. She glanced up and locked eyes with him. She wanted a second opinion. He took a closer look at the screen and gave a barely perceptible nod.

He sat back and watched her. He was having a confusing day. He had them sometimes. A lot lately. He couldn't help but wonder at how so much had changed in the last month and a half. Sometimes he found himself forgetting everything that had happened before. Except for Meredith. He didn't think that he would ever forget her. But, he found himself looking at her differently now. He could safely say that she was one of his best friends. He was not sure how Addison, or Meredith, would feel about that, but it was true. He still felt connected to her. But at some point, and he wasn't sure exactly when it was, he had decided just to walk away from the past and start fresh. He wanted a relationship with both of them, but he was becoming more and more certain that the one he wanted to be with was Addison.

**XXXX**

_Meredith_

_2:47_

"What are you doing?" Izzie walked into the kitchen to see Meredith trying balance a huge bowl of popcorn and a ton of candy on top of an enormous pizza box.

"Next up on 'Meredith and Tyler Day' is to watch anti-love movies, and that requires a huge amount of food." _Most of which will be consumed by me!_

"'Meredith and Tyler Day'?"Izzie raised her eyebrow, "Wouldn't that mean that Tyler should be here?"

"He is upstairs." Meredith attempted again to pick up the food again, "He just got out of the shower."

Izzie eyebrow shot up again as she look in Meredith wet hair, "You guys shower together now?" she teased.

_I knew she would take that wrong, _"I showered first." Meredith replied, rolling her eyes, "And just for that, you can help me carry this upstairs before you run off to celebrate the sham which is love."

_5:03pm_

"See this is exactly how I feel." Meredith complained as Tyler got up to turn off the movie, "Sometimes the only way to deal with men is to drive of a cliff."

"I think that it was the life time in prison and the high speed police chase that really motivated them." Tyler collapsed back down on the bed and took another piece of cold pizza.

"It's was the men. The entire movie it was men that caused their problems. Men ruin everything."

"Thanks."

"I didn't mean you. You don't count."

"What does that mean?"

"It means your different."

"How?"

_I couldn't even begin to explain it, _"I don't know." Meredith laughed and threw a pillow at him, "You just are."

Tyler threw the pillow back, "We should build a fort."

**XXXX**

_Addison_

_7:03pm_

"Thank you for coming in." Addison said to Izzie as the stood in the locker room, Izzie changing into scrubs and Addison at the mirror pinning her hair up, "I know you had the afternoon off."

"No problem, I was just..." Izzie glanced at Addison and tried to suppress a giggle, "... I was just hanging out with George."

"Is something wrong Dr. Steeven's?" Addison asked, noticing Izzie's smile.

"No," Izzie said quickly, "It's just you have... on your neck."

_What? _Addison turned her head, then turned red in horror as she noticed the purplish bruise on the base of her neck, "Oh my God," she closed her eyes and shook her head in disbelief, "This is humiliating." _Has anyone else noticed? Richard was giving me a strange look. And the nurses, were they staring at me?_

"It's not that noticeable," Izzie lied.

Addison rested her forehead on the mirror, "I can't believe this is happening." _I want to die. Right now. I just want to stop living._

"I have some green concealer," Izzie offered, reaching into her purse "It should get rid of some of the red."

Addison looked at her in surprise. _You want to help me because...? _

"You can't operate on a baby if you are worried that everyone is staring at you neck."

**XXXX**

_Meredith_

_7:35pm_

"Meredith?" George looked around the living room. All the cushions were missing. "Meredith?" he called louder. No answer. "I am to tired to deal with this," he sighed as he trudged up stairs. As much as he had liked hanging out with Izzie on Valentines Day, it wasn't quite as fun when you weren't actually a couple. "Meredith!" He cried when he saw his bed. All his pillows were missing too.

"George?" Meredith called from her room, "Come in here George."

George opened the door to see the biggest pillow fort he had ever seen in his life.

"Come in," Meredith urged. "What happened to Izzie?"

"She got called into the hospital," George crawled in to see Meredith and Tyler huddled in one corner of the fort giggling hysterically over a Light Bright. "What are you doing?"

"We are playing a game," Meredith choked out, "We are seeing who can come up with the craziest sex positions and make them on the Light Bright. I'm winning."

"You would be," George murmured.

"Hey. I am just very... creative." Meredith added a few more pegs and turned the box around. "See."

George tilted his head a bit to the side and blushed, "She is very... bendy..."

"To bendy," Tyler complained, "If I knew that the chicks could have no spine I would be winning."

"She has a spine," Meredith said defensively.

"Your saying that you could do that?" Tyler challenged.

"Do you want me to prove it?"

"I'm leaving," George scurried out of the fort so fast he almost knocked the entire thing over.

"I'm not proving it."

"That's because you can't do it."

_Our friendship has definitely taken a turn for the strange. _They were silent for awhile,"Can we live in the fort?" Meredith asked, "I like it better here then in the real world."

**XXXX**

_Addison_

_10:56pm_

Addison did not look up as Derek locked the on-call room door and walked towards her. _Ignore him._ She was laying on her side on the cot, one leg bent up to make a triangle, her head resting in her palm as she read the latest _Vogue. _She didn't speak until he had sat down on the corner of the cot and leaned back against her, resting his head against her shoulder. "I'm not talking to you," She told him, nudging his head away gently with her shoulder.

Derek reached for her left hand which had been resting on her waist. Tucking her arm under his elbow, he examined her wedding rings, "Why?"

"You gave me a hickey." Addison pulled her hand away, "I have never been so humiliated in my entire life."

Derek started to laugh, and craned his neck to look.

"Derek. I am 38. We are not teenagers. I cannot believe you gave me a hickey."

"Addie," Derek tried to console her.

"Derek, I walked around all day with it. And you know who pointed it out to me? Izzie Steeven's."

"Your hair was down all day," Derek pointed out, "I am sure that no one noticed."

"I was in surgery all afternoon," Addison muttered.

"Oh yeah," Derek tried very hard not to laugh. Derek reclaimed her hand which had been resting limply against his chest since she had pulled it away. He proceeded to play with her fingers, weaving the fingers of her left hand against the fingers of his left hand.

"Derek," Addison smiled a bit moving her fingers with his, enjoying the feeling of closeness, "People gossip about us too much as it is. I don't believe that you don't care. What about Meredith?"

Derek stopped smiling, but continued to play with her fingers, "What about her?"

_What about Meredith? We are all just starting to come to terms with the situation... _Addison was silent for awhile as they both watched their hands move against each other,"Derek you still care about her. I am not blind. You don't want her to be hurt." She said finally, "But she works here, and it's hard enough for her to see us together. She does not need to see me walking around with giant hickeys. Contrary to what everyone else thinks of me, I am not deliberately trying to throw _us_ in her face."

"But your the one that suggested..."Derek started to point out, turning his face so that he was looking at her.

"I know what I suggested," Addison cut him off, "But Derek, we are not interns anymore. We are adults. We have to start acting like it."

Derek reached up to caress her hair and cheek with right hand. "I don't want to."

Addison smiled sadly, "The honeymoon period had to end at some point."

**XXXXXXXXXX**

So there is another chapter. I really should be studying but I am unnaturally excited about the next chapter. I may try to get it up before I am separated from my computer, but I make no promises.

Anyway, there are some big revelations in the next chapter so be prepared. Actually spring is full of revelations. And the summer months are going to be insanely rocky, some people are growing closer, some people are growing apart, and some people are just generally confused.


	7. You and Me

A/N: OK I just watched the Christmas episode and I am slightly pissed off and slightly relieved. Could Derek have been anymore of a JACKASS? Seriously! And then the end. Don't get me started on the end. Forget that. I mean part of me is glad that he said that he had fallen in love with Meredith 'cause I kinda felt that he had almost been lying to Addison about it. Addison was clearly under the impression that it hadn't been as serious as it actually was. On the other hand I am glad that he also told her that he wanted to stay with her and that he wasn't telling her to hurt her. Even though he did, my god did you see her face? She was crushed. Trop peche. Ugh. But I am glad that Cristina and Burke are on neutral ground again, I was scared there for awhile (they are my favorite couple). Anyway there is my rant, enjoy the chapter.

P.S. This chapter is named after** You and Me **by Rosie Thomas, NOT Lifehouse. This song is SO much better, and if I do say so myself captures this chapter perfectly.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**MARCH**

**XXXX**

_Meredith_

_3:18pm_

"Hey," Meredith sat down next to Derek in the gallery. _This is the test. Can we be friends._

"Hey yourself," Derek replied, offering her some of his sunflower seeds.

"Big conference this weekend?" _Small talk. This is good._

"Yup. Three days of long boring speeches and bad food."

They sat in silence for awhile. Ignoring the looks they were getting from other members of the staff.

"She a really good doctor," Meredith said after awhile. _Forget what I said before. This is the real test. Can we talk about her?_

Derek looked down into the operating room and watched Addison show Izzie a complicated procedure, "Yeah she is." Derek looked at Meredith for a minute, "How are you?"

Meredith looked back and smiled, "Good," her smile faded a bit, "I didn't think that it would be this hard." _New test. Can we talk honestly._

"Me neither." Derek paused, "Have you been..."

"Ya," Meredith replied, "His name is Jared."

Derek nodded, "He's good to you?"

Meredith shrugged, "It's not going anywhere," she said finally.

They looked at each other for a few minutes.

"How about you? How are things."

"Good. Good."

"It's strange that we are talking like this, isn't it?"

Derek laughed out loud, causing the people around them to look at them strangely, "Yes. But really, who else are we suppose to talk too?"

Meredith laughed to, "I don't know," Meredith reflected, "I guess I could try talking to Addison."

Derek laughed again, "I don't think the world is ready for that."

"No?" Meredith continued with the joke, "But we have some much in common. I really thought we could be best friends. Paint each others nails. Braid each others hair."

"Make each other friendship bracelets," Derek suggested.

"Exactly." Meredith said with a smile.

"Not yet," Derek said decidedly, "I am not ready for that."

"Me neither."

"But really..." Derek paused, "Eventually..."

"You think that I could be friends with Addison?" _Seriously?_

"I think that in another lifetime you guys could have been friends," Derek saw that Meredith didn't believe him, "You two really are alot alike."

**XXXX**

_Derek_

_5:52pm_

"Have you seen Addison?" Derek asked the nurse sitting behind the desk.

"She was here a few minutes ago. She said she would be right back."

"Ok." Derek looked at his watch for the millionth time, "If she shows up in the next few minutes could you tell her that I am downstairs waiting for a cab, but if I don't see her I will call her tonight."

Derek left the nurses station and made his way downstairs to the front lobby. This would be the first time that he and Addison where going to be apart since they had gotten back together. Both of them were uncertain about how to handle it.

"Hey," Addison smiled as she walked towards her husband, "I caught you."

"You caught me," Derek smiled back as she sat down beside him. "So. Three days."

"That's along time." Addison pouted slightly, kneaded her hands together, "Is it strange that I don't want you to go? A year ago I would have killed for three days to myself."

"A lot has changed," He said, gently taking her hand. _Everything has changed. And still, everyone stares._ Over time they had discovered that people were indeed still watching their every move. They had become increasingly frugal about displays of affection at work. At the hospital things were strictly professional, "I'll bring you back something pretty"

"And shinny?" she teased.

"And shinny."

Things had been going better for them lately. On the recommendation of there marriage counselor they had been able to cut back to just once a week. These session used to end in long drawn out argument that would sometimes last for days but in the last three weeks something had changed. They would leave the sessions hand in hand, go out to dinner and spend the entire night talking. Instead of heading to the hospital if there was nothing else to do they would watch a movie or, Addison's favorite activity, shop for furniture for the apartment which was still looking bare in places.

"Your cabs here," Addison sighed standing up. _Damn._ Derek stood with her and took her hand as she him led to the hospital entrance, "Bye," she said squeezing his hand.

"Bye," Derek kissed Addison lightly on the cheek, then changing his mind, pressed his lips firmly to hers. _She's beautiful when she blushes._"Bye," Derek said again, backing away with a grin.

"Bye," Addison laughed turning away, her cheeks turning red.

Addison walked towards the elevators, a smile fixed on her face. She glanced up and locked eyes with Meredith, who was standing waiting for the elevator on the 2nd floor.

The smile faded instantly from Addison's face. They stared at each other, until Meredith finally gave Addison a small smile.

Addison smiled back.

**XXXX**

_Meredith_

_6:09pm_

"I saw you and Shepherd having quite the conversation this morning," Alex teased as Meredith leaned against the wall beside him.

_Can't I be friends with the man?_"We are friends Alex."

"Well I know you are friends, but everyone else..."

"Everyone else what?"

"You know as well as I do that the nurses love their gossip. Your flirt-fest with McDreamy is like their wet dream. They can practically taste the sordid affair."

_Flirt-fest? Sordid affair? _"We are not..."

"I know."

"We are friends."

"I know," Alex repeated, "Besides you are too smart to go for him again."

"What does that mean?"

"Here is the thing Grey. You and Shepherd never would have made it anyway," Alex smiled slightly at the astonishment that his bluntness was earning him, "Think about it. He is what? 10 years older then you? He wants the picket fence and the 2.5 kids. You want to finish your internship in one piece and have a little fun along the way. Your in completely different places, it wouldn't have lasted. Even if she hadn't shown up, you still wouldn't have lasted till Christmas."

"Burke and Cristina are lasting." Meredith pointed out smugly.

"Burke and Cristina are a mess." Alex corrected, "Cristina is like a wild chipmunk that Burke is trying to tame with peanut butter. She is freaking out at every turn, but still gets nervous every time he try's to take the peanut butter away. But they will never break up, either because neither of them will want to admit defeat, or they will never find anything big enough to justify going through the trouble.

"Face it Grey. You needed each other for awhile, but now you don't. "

"I didn't _need _him Alex."

"Yes you did." Alex countered again, "You needed him so that you could prove to yourself that you were worth the attention of a decent guy. And you are. Case closed."

_Jerk._

**XXXX**

_Derek_

_6:17pm_

_Something doesn't feel right_. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but something was wrong. He checked his briefcase. Everything was there, his tickets... his wallet... nothing was missing. _Your just being paranoid Derek._ Derek looked out the window and tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Excuse me," he said finally, leaning forward to talk to the cab driver, "Could you take me back to the hospital? I think I've forgotten something."

**XXXX**

_Addison_

_6:17pm_

Addison stood just out side the nursery flipping through some files. She smiled as she felt a hand press against the small of her back, "Couldn't live without me?" she teased.

"No," replied a gruff voice.

Addison spun around. She felt like the air had been knocked from her lungs.

"Mark."

**XXXX**

_Derek_

_6:33pm_

Derek ran up the stairs 2 at a time. He wasn't sure why but he had to find Addison. "Where is she?" he demanded, almost running into Izzie.

"Who?"

"My wife!"

"I don't know," Izzie stuttered with confusion as Derek rushed by her.

Suddenly he stopped. He stood in the middle of the hall and turned silently around. He closed his eyes. He took several deep breaths. He opened his eyes again. Setting his shoulders he walked forward and opened a door. He wasn't surprised at what he saw. It was what he had expected.

"Mark."

**XXXX**

_Addison_

_6:34pm_

When the door opened Mark jumped away from her. Addison stayed where she was. She took her hands away from her face, where they had been for the last few minutes as she had tried to block out Mark's voice. She looked at Derek, but he wasn't looking at her.

"Get out," Derek said slowly, glaring at Mark.

"Derek," Mark tried to explain, "I had to come. I had to see her. I love her."

"Stay away from me. Stay away from my wife."

Addison watched in silence. _Should I say something? Or does Derek need to get this out. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!_

"I am not going to walk away from her." Mark said taking a step toward Derek. "I am not going to turn my back on her like you did." _No, No, No, No._

Derek's jaw clenched, "I did not turn my back on my wife." _NO! NO! NO! NO!_

"She called me. She was hurt and upset and she called me. You wanted nothing to do with her. I can make her happy. She trusts me. She confided in me. She loves me."

"No," Addison finally spoke.

Derek didn't look at her. He just turned and left the room.

"Derek!" Addison started off after him. _DON'T LEAVE! LOOK AT ME!_

"Addie," Mark grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him. "Let him go. It's better this way. We can start over."

"Don't TOUCH ME," Addison seethed ripping her arm out of his grasp, "Don't touch me, don't call me, don't even look at me. Get out of this hospital. Get out of this city. Get out of MY LIFE."

Addison slammed the door behind her. _Derek._ She tore down the hall. _Derek. _She was unaware of the people that were staring at her. _DEREK!_

"Derek!" she gasped as she finally caught up with him, "Don't."

Derek pulled away from where her hand touched his arm. "Stay away from me Addison."

"Derek! You cannot walk away from this."

"Why not?" he spat, "Apparently that is what I do. Go back to Mark AND TELL HIM THAT I WALKED OUT ON YOU ONCE AGAIN. I'M SURE HE'LL BE THRILLED."

"I DON'T CARE!" Addison yelled, "HAVE YOU LISTENED TO A SINGLE WORD I HAVE SAID IN THE LAST 5 MONTHS. I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM. I NEVER WANTED TO BE WITH HIM. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. _I LOVE_ _YOU_."

"THEN WHY THE HELL IS HE HERE ADDISON? HE CLEARLY THINKS THAT YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM, AND I THINK THAT HE IS RIGHT."

"HE'S NOT RIGHT."

"THEN WHY DID YOU CALL HIM? WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?"

"I DID CALL YOU! YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME!"

Addison and Derek glared at each other. Around them the people held their breaths, afraid that if they made any noise something terrible would happen.

Derek turned and walked away.

Addison didn't stop him.

**XXXX**

_Meredith _

_11:43pm_

Cristina, George, Izzie and Tyler stood huddle in a corner talking quietly.

"Do I have something on my face," Meredith asked with annoyance, "Ever since I got out of surgery people have been staring at me and whispering."

Her friends were silent.

_Ok..._"What?"

George stared at the ceiling and tried to form a cohesive thought.

Izzie looked down and away, not making eye contact.

Cristina and Tyler held a silent argument, darting angry looks back and forth.

"What!"

"How over McDreamy are you?" Cristina said finally, "Cause if your not, now would be the time to make your move."

_What? _"What are you talking about?"

"He showed up," George told her, "the guy from New York."

"Mark?"

Izzie nodded, "They had a huge fight."

_Mark showed up? To break them up? Of course to break them up. You don't travel across the country just to say 'hi'. _"Derek and Addison? Had a fight?"

"In the middle of the hall," Cristina added.

Meredith was silent, "I have to go." She said distractedly as she walked away.

"I thought she was over him," Tyler murmured to himself.

**XXXX**

_Meredith_

_1:09am_

"Hey." Meredith walked into the dark conference room and sat down.

"Do you need something Meredith?"

"I thought you might like some company. I know how it feels to have someone show up and ruin everything."

Addison glanced at Meredith, "I guess you do."

There was a long pause, "He'll come back." _Why are you doing this? _

Addison sighed, "I'm not so sure."

"He will. He loves you." Meredith leaned back in her chair. _And why did you say that? _

"Love isn't always enough Meredith."

_What! _"But..."

"Meredith, love can't over come everything. It isn't a magic potion that can cure anything, it's not enough. If it was enough neither of us would be sitting here right now." Addison shook her head, "If love was enough Derek and I wouldn't have driven each other away. If love was enough I wouldn't have slept with Mark. If love was..." Addison voice broke,"... If love was enough he wouldn't have left me and met you. It's not enough."

"I don't understand."

"They lie. The books, the movies, the songs that say that love can conquer anything, they lie, there are no knights on white horses. You can't just love someone and expect it to work out. Love doesn't give you the strength to get through anything, it makes you more vulnerable then you can possibly imagine."

Meredith and Addison sat in silence for almost an hour. Twice Meredith watched Addison wipe away the tears that she was trying so hard to hide.

"He loved you too," Addison said finally.

"Not in the same way," Meredith replied.

"Maybe not, but there is more then one type of love."

Meredith smiled, "I bought him a Christmas present the day before you showed up. A book, his favorite, vintage. I still have it."

"What did he say that his favorite was?" Addison asked.

"_The Sun Also Rises._"

Addison smiled slightly "Derek's favorite book is always the last one he's read. He just finished _The Red Badge of Courage."_ Addison paused and looked at Meredith, "You should give it to him. He'd love it."

"Maybe." Meredith looked out the window and smiled, "Hey, your knight's coming." Meredith stood to leave. "And I still believe that love can conquer anything."

Meredith walked over to Derek who was watching Addison through the glass window, "What's your favorite book?"

"_The Red Badge of Courage,_" He answered, perplexed by the question.

Meredith smiled.

And walked away.

**XXXX**

_Derek and Addison_

_2:42am_

Derek sat down adjacent to his wife at the large conference table.

"Derek, I..."

"No. Addison." Derek stopped her, unable to look her in the eye, "I need to go first. We need to talk about this. We can't put it off any longer."

Addison nodded.

Derek leaned forward and gripped her hands, his knuckles were white, but if he was hurting her, she wasn't showing it.

"When you called me that afternoon. You were distant. There was no emotion in your voice. You sounded like you had given up, and I didn't want to hear it. I though that you wanted out."

There was a long pause. Then Derek continued unable to hide the pain in his voice.

"When I came home that night, I could tell that something was different. The whole house felt different. It had been so cold and empty, but that night it was filled with pain and betrayal. I could feel it everywhere. I walked up the stairs and saw his jacket, and I was so angry. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to kill him for taking you from me. I wanted to kill him, and I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to just grab you and shake you as hard as I could. I wanted you to feel the same pain and helplessness that I did. I always knew that he wanted you, but I never thought that you would want him back.

"When I got to the bedroom door I just stopped. I couldn't go in. I couldn't face you yet. So I just stood there and listened. I could hear you talking to him. Telling him to leave. That I was coming home and that you were going to tell me. Telling him not to touch you. And then I heard him. I heard him say that he loved you. That you belonged with him. That he knew that he could make you happy, and that I couldn't.

"That's when I walked in. And I saw you..." Derek took a ragged breath, "I saw you sitting there, in my chair. You never go near that chair unless you're hurt and need to be comforted. And you had that old battered robe clutched so tightly around you. And you looked at me, you looked me straight in the eye. You looked defeated, and hurt, and angry, and it was my fault. I couldn't stay. I had to leave. I had hurt you and I couldn't do it anymore."

"It's not you fault, Derek. I'm the one that slept with him. I knew what I was doing. It's my fault." Addison leaned forward, forcing him to look her in the eye. "Listen to me. It's me. I messed up. I hurt you. I'm the one that ruined everything."

"Why?"

Addison took a deep breath. Their entire relationship depended on what she was about to say. She stood up and started to pace. When she spoke her words were slow and measured.

"I wanted to hurt you. I was jealous that you would rather spend time at the hospital then with me. I thought that you didn't care anymore. I had driven you away and there was no way to get you back. I felt lost and I just wanted to feel something, anything.

"When you left that morning, you didn't even say goodbye. I was still asleep, and you were asleep when I got home the night before. We hadn't seen each other in days. Every time one of us saw the other at work we would make an excuse to be somewhere else. I would walk into the nursery and see you watching those babies, and then you would look at me and I would know that I was failing you. I was making your life incomplete, you wanted more and I couldn't give it to you. I could give other people the babies that they never should have had but I couldn't do the same thing for you. I was failing you."

Addison voice to on a edge of angry and pain, but still, she kept her composure.

"And then I started to resent you. I hated that I was putting myself through all those damn fertility treatments and you didn't even want to talk about it. I needed to talk about it and you would say that it hurt you to much, and every time it wouldn't work we would close ourselves off from each other. The only time that we had sex was when the doctors told us too. We never made love anymore.

"Then you stopped coming to the appointments with me. I understood that. I knew that you couldn't handle the disappointment. I still wanted you there, but I wanted to protect you more. So I stopped telling you when I had appointments. I didn't tell you when I tried new drugs. I didn't tell you that nothing was working.

"When I called you that afternoon. I was going to tell you that..." Addison took several deep breathes, "... they told me that..." Addison was lost her battle with her tears, "they told me that there was no chance that I would be able to carry a baby." Derek stood up and put his arms tightly around her, his tears falling into her hair and hers onto his shirt as she sobbed, "I didn't want to be alone anymore, and you didn't want to be with me. So I called Mark to drive me home and..."

"Stop." Derek said suddenly, "I will always want to be with you."

"But is that enough?" she whispered.

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Ok. This time I mean it when I say that I am not updating till after the Holidays.


	8. I'll Melt With You

Sorry for the wait. I know. There is no excuse, but I mean there was Christmas and New Years and then getting back into classes. So ya. I've been busy. But I think that this is a fairly decent chapter, it's kinda filler before the really good stuff happens, but there is some good stuff on the relationship developement level.

Enjoy.

XXXXXXXXXX

**April**

XXXX

_Addison_

_3:13am_

Addison rolled over and opened her eyes. _Derek? Where did he go?_ She sat up quickly, to quickly, and was forced to close her eyes until the head rush ended. She scanned the room then finally got up and moved towards the light shining from under the bathroom door. Pushing to door open slowly she blinked quickly to shield her eye's from the bright light.

"Derek?" she said quietly, her voice husky from sleep. She walked over to where he was sitting on the edge of the tub and sat beside him. He kept his eyes glued to the ground, "Hey," she ran her hand through his hair which was slick from sweat and brought it back to rest on his cheek. _He has a fever,_ "I'll get you some water," she offered standing up again, "Did you take something?"

Derek nodded.

"Ok," she whispered, handing him the water and tenderly kissing the top of his head.

She left the room quietly. Returning to the bed she quickly stripped the sheets and threw them in the hamper. She walked in to the hall and pulled the soft Italian sheets from the top shelf of the closet. _His favorite. _Walking slowly back to the bedroom she was forced to steady herself as an uncomfortable feeling of lightheadedness overcame her. _Don't you get sick too Addison._ She quickly remade the bed, pausing every few minutes when dizziness clouded her vision. She cringed as she heard her husband gagging in the other room.

Derek finally emerged from the bathroom pale and clammy. He slowly eased himself between the sheets, smiling slightly when he realized that they were nice and cool. "Addison," he said weakly, "I'm sick."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_4:09am_

"Hey," Meredith said into her portable phone as she sank deeper into the couch cushions.

"What time is it?" Tyler muttered rolling over and trying not to wake up to much.

"4 am," Meredith replied, "I can't sleep. What are you doing?"

"Sleeping."

"Oh," Meredith paused and looked wearily around the silent house, "Wanna come over?"

XXXX

_Derek_

_5:55am_

"No, he can't come in." Addison said into the phone, "He can barely move." Addison paused and looked at Derek who looked like he would welcome death, "No, I thinks it's just the stomach flu," she rested her hand on his forehead, "And he has a bit of a fever. He'll only be out a few days."

_It's only a 24 hour bug, _"I'll be in tomorrow," Derek insisted. _She doesn't look that great either. She seems dizzy._

"Thanks Richard I'll see you..." Addison stopped suddenly, she pressed her hand to her stomach and sucked her breath in.

Derek picked up the phone as Addison dashed to the bathroom, "Richard, I don't think that Addison will be coming in either."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_6:17am_

"Why couldn't you call Jared?" Tyler asked, throwing himself lengthwise on to the couch, "He is your boyfriend, not me."

Meredith looked slightly embarrassed and glanced at the stairs.

"He is here isn't he?" Tyler groaned, "I can't believe that I came over here."

"He was sleeping," Meredith protested.

"I was sleeping."

Meredith sat on the floor beside the couch silently. Just when she thought that Tyler had fallen asleep he spoke.

"You can't just wait around hoping that he will break up with you."

She tilted her head back and looked at him, "Why?"

"'Cause that's not fair."

Meredith didn't ask who it wasn't fair to. There were any number of answers that could result, and some of them she wasn't prepared to talk about yet.

"Ok," Meredith relented and stood up.

"Your breaking up with him now?" Tyler raised his eyebrow, "It's not even 7 am.

Meredith shrugged, "It's only fair."

XXXX

_Addison_

_9:11am_

"So there is no way that I can reschedule?" _This is unbelievable. _"I am a colleague." _That's right. I am playing the hotshot doctor card. _"Yes I understand that Dr. Hearst is very in-demand but..." _He is the best. NEXT TO ME!_ "I can't wait another 6 weeks, I need to get this taken care off."

_But not today._"No I do not want to cancel my appointment." Addison hung up the phone and sank back into bed, groaning.

"No luck?" Derek muttered from the other side of the bed.

"No," Addison replied weakly as she pulled the blankets over her head briefly.

"There isn't someone else you can see?"

"Hearst has been my doctor since I moved here." Addison rolled over so she was facing Derek, "He is the best. I just need in there for 10 minutes so he can re-regulate my medication and get my hormones back on track."

"You can't wait another few weeks?"

"Derek," Addison closed her eyes then sat up and leaned against the headboard, "I completely destroyed any semblance of a cycle or normal hormone levels with the fertility treatments, and since I've stopped them things have only gotten worse. I want this taken care off."

"You can't go in like this."

_He is right. Damnit. _Addison sighed and forced herself out of bed and wrapped herself in a blanket, "I know that. That's why I am going get something to eat then take a nap. When I wake up, I plan on feeling much better."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_9:19am_

"Dr. Grey, I don't want to argue about this anymore. Get those forms signed."

"But Dr. Bailey, Dr. Shepherd isn't here today. He is out sick."

"Then get yourself over to his house and get them signed."

"Isn't there someone else that can do it?"

"It's your patient Dr. Grey. I don't want to see you again until those forms are signed."

"I thought that you were over McDreamy," Cristina whispered as they walked away.

"I am. But I really don't want to go over there and..."

"Oh," Cristina nodded and smiled, "You're thinking that no couple wastes a perfectly good mutual sick day on actually being sick."

"Exactly."

"Well your probably right. Sucks to be you."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_9:47am_

Meredith stood nervously outside of the Shepherd's penthouse apartment._ Of course Addison would choose the best, _Meredith thought. She stood at the door for a long minute. Finally she closed her eyes tightly, took a deep breath and firmly pressed the bell.

The door opened almost instantly.

"Meredith?"

Meredith's eyes flew open, and she launched into the speech she had prepared in the car, "Dr. Shepherd, I am so sorry to interrupt but Bailey sent me over to get these signed by Der... Dr. Shepherd, and it will only take a minute, and..." Meredith finally looked at Addison, she was wearing baggy pajama bottoms, an ancient college sweatshirt and the ugliest woolen socks Meredith had ever seen, "... You really are sick."

Addison couldn't help but smirk, "Yes, we really are sick."

"I just thought..." _I cannot finish this sentence_ Meredith realized suddenly.

Addison pointed to the staircase behind her, "Derek is upstairs." She turned and headed towards a hallway that Meredith decided much lead to a kitchen, "Last door on the left."

"Your not coming?" Meredith asked in confusion.

"I am trying to make soup," Addison said grimacing slightly, "Besides, I trust you."

_You trust me? _Meredith sighed as she climbed the stairs. _Wonderful. _Meredith paused at the open door to the bedroom. Directly across from her Derek was leaning against the dark brown headboard with his eye's closed. "Derek?" she said softly crossing the threshold.

Derek opened his eyes, looked at her, and closed them again. "Addie, I'm starting to hallucinate."

Meredith laughed gently, "Your not hallucinating. Bailey needs these forms signed."

"Good," Derek sighed, "I thought the fever was getting the best of me."

Meredith stood awkwardly at the end of the bed and handed him the papers, "You just have to read over them and sign."

Derek nodded and began to skim.

Meredith allowed her eyes to drift over the room. Despite the mess it was a comfortable room. Everythings was in browns and blue. A large fireplace in one corner, tall bookcases filled with hardcover books, and a large blue chair placed in order to take advantage of the books the fire and the large window. "This is a nice room." Meredith said awkwardly.

Derek glanced around, "Addison decorated."

"She knows you very well," Meredith said smiling sadly, "You look very comfortable here."

"Yeah," Derek shifted uncomfortably, "Well Addison is an excellent decorator. She may have missed her calling."

"Thanks" Addison grumbled as she entered the room.

"Meredith was just admiring your decorating skills," Derek explained as Addison placed a bowl of soup and a cup of tea on the bedside table beside him and collapsed in the blue chair.

_Not blue _Meredith thought _Indigo._

The three glanced at each other uncomfortably. Addison pulled a blanket protectively around her, Derek shuffled through the papers without actually reading them and Meredith shifted from one foot to the other.

"Has your fever gone down?" Addison asked finally, breaking the silence.

"Yes." Derek replied, catching Addison's eye. "Addie you need to eat something. You look pale." He picked up the soup and held it out to her.

Meredith watched as Addison pulled away.

"Derek," she hissed quietly. "I had some orange juice downstairs."

"Addie," he whispered, glancing at Meredith who looked away.

"The smell..." Addison cringed turning away. Suddenly she inhaled sharply, "Excuse me," she gasped as she bolted for the bathroom.

Meredith cringed as she heard Addison be sick through the bathroom door.

Derek looked at Meredith, "Stomach flu," he explained, "Makes her kinda cranky."

"Your not to charming yourself," Meredith teased, "Do you need anything?" she asked as Derek handed her back the papers.''

"No, thank you." Derek tried his best to give her a 'I'm really not that sick' smile. "I'll walk you out."

"No, it's ok." Meredith turned to leave, "I don't think you would make it anyway."

Meredith paused as she closed the door behind her, Addison was just reentering the room.

"Feel better?" Derek asked as she buried herself in the blankets beside him and closed her eyes.

"No," she pouted slightly, curling into a tight ball.

"Me neither," he groaned, slouching slightly down the headboard. Closing his eyes he reached over and softly ran his fingers through Addison's hair.

XXXX

_Meredith_

_11:32am_

"So are you scarred for life?"

Meredith rolled her eyes at Cristina, "Not in the way you might think. They really are sick."

"Then why are you scarred? Were they doing kinky things with the Vicks Vapor rub?"

"No," Meredith laughed, "I just realized that you can crawl into bed with just about anyone when there is sex involved, but it's love when you crawl into bed with someone when you are both projectile vomiting."

XXXX

_Addison_

_2:55pm_

Addison dragged open her eyes and glanced at the clock. She groaned. Her appointment was in 90 minutes. She sat up tentatively. So far so good. She stood up and made her way to the bathroom. No nausea. _Wahoo! _Addison smiled with relief, she still felt a little lightheaded and a little shaky but the worst was over. She turned on the taps to the bathtub and carefully pulled her hair up, _I don't care how good I feel, I am not dealing with my hair._

Addison sank into the hot bath with a sigh. _Yea! Warm! _She relaxed and sloshed the water around a bit with her fingers.

"You're feeling better too?" Derek asked walking in and turning on the shower.

"Yes," Addison smiled and sank further into the warm water, "I willed myself to be healthy."

"You do always get what you want," Derek teased, crossing the room again and grabbing some towels, "What time is your appointment?"

"4:30. Think you feel well enough to drop me off? I don't want to drive."

"You can count on me."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_5:23pm_

"You dumped him?" George asked in surprise.

"Yeah this morning," Meredith replied nonchalantly.

"Why?" stammered George, he was much more comfortable around her when she was seeing someone, it gave him an excuse and made him less of a chicken.

"It just wasn't working," Meredith shrugged and took another drink of Joe's new concoction.

"So... there wasn't anyone else?" George asked tentatively.

"George I am over Derek. We are friends."

"I was talking about Tyler."

"Tyler?" _Tyler? Tyler..._

XXXX

_Derek_

_6:47pm_

Derek watched as Addison approached him and without saying a word, wrapped her arms around his waist and lay her cheek on his shoulder. She seemed to melt against him.

"Still not feeling well?" He whispered as he stroked her hair.

"I just needed a hug."

"I am happy to oblige Lady." he held her tightly for a moment. "How did your appointment go?"

"He is running some extra tests. But he promised he would know something by tonight. He is just being cautious."

"Well that's good isn't it?"

"I guess," Addison sighed a bit and pulled away enough to move her arms from around his waist to rest her hands on either side of his face. "I love you." she whispered.

"I love you too," he smiled as he rested his forehead against hers.

_Beep Beep Beep_

Derek smiled, "I've got to go." He kissed her forehead, "Go lay down, you still look pale."

XXXX

_Addison_

_8:34pm_

"Dr. Shepherd?" Izzie said to Addison as she passed her in the hall, "Dr. Shepherd?" Addison didn't seem to hear her and just kept walking.

"Dr. Steevens you look confused," Derek teased as he came up behind her.

"I am," Izzie replied, "I mean I'm not but, your... wife... is acting _really_ weird."

"Well, she has the flu."

"No, I mean really weird. 'I see dead people' weird."

Izzie and Derel stood in the middle of the hall and watched Addison turn the corner as if in a daze. Derek sighed and closed his chart, "I'll take care of her."

"You are freaking out the interns," Derek teased as he sat down beside her in a small waiting room.

Addison didn't reply, or even acknowledge his presence.

"Hey," Derek turned so that his body was facing hers, "What's wrong?"

Addison's face was very, very pale. Her arms were clutched around her legs protectively and the only sound she was making was the deep breaths in and out, as if she was trying to calm herself. _Breathe. Breathe. Breathe._

Derek was suddenly very concerned. "Addison?" he asked, gripping her arm, "Tell me what happened."

Addison's eyes finally focused on Derek's face.

"No." she said quietly, shaking her head, "No."

"Addison, What's wrong? Are you hurt? Are you sick?" Derek was getting more and more frightend."It will be ok." he tried to reassure her, "You just have to tell me what wrong. We can fix it."

Addison finally looked Derek in the eye. She was trembling all over and her eyes were bloodshot.

"Addison..." he breathed, pulling her into his arms and kissing her forehead.

"No," she exclaimed pulling herself out of his arms and wrapping her arms tighter around herself. "Don't touch me right now."

"What's..."

"He said I have gestational diabetes," she whispered.

"Diabetes?" Derek was confused, "Gestational diabe... but ... "

_This will ruin everything._

XXXXXXXXXX

So what do we think? Was it worth the wait? This is the start of some drastic changes for all three. How do we feel about Tyler? Do we want it to happen? And how do you guys think that the characters will react to all these changes? Not just the main ones that I write about but all of them, Izzie for example who in the next installments is going to get more involved with the Shepherds which is going to affect her relationship with Meredith, how does all this effect her. Anyway send me reviews telling me what you think, I like to hear other peoples opinions.


	9. Tainted Love

Okay. I got a lot of reviews saying that they didn't understand what happened between Derek and Addison at the end of the last chapter. I would like to say that I didn't mean to make it so vague, but I did. In my mind, Derek and Addison would both understand the implications without having to talk about it. Plus they don't want to talk about it. They still don't want to talk about it, so they are dancing around it a bit in this chapter. But a lot of stuff is explained, and a lot stays kinda vague. The moral of the story is: if you didn't understand something, it will be explained in this chapter or in chapters to come.

Plus I have decided that Derek and Addison need one of those couple terms (like MerDer or Merge). It was very difficult but I have come up with **Addek** (pronounced like Addict), it's all I can think of but personally i think it is better then Prestina which managed to stick around (I liked Bang). So I am hoping that Addek catches on, and you can say you saw it here first (and I can say i invented it)!

XXXXXXXXXX

_May_

_XXXX_

_Derek_

_5:30am_

Derek groaned as the alarm clock beside him went off. A sense of impending dread instantly crashed down on him. This morning he was going to insist that he and Addison sit down and talk this out. They had found out 3 weeks ago and had so far done a through job of dancing around the subject. They made vague illusions to it over dinner or while waiting for the elevator. They would begin discussing it before bed but before they touched on the real issues one would claim exhaustion. In a way he both dreaded and embraced this morning, it was a turning point.

Derek was suddenly aware that the alarm was still going off. Rubbing one fist over his eyes he propped himself up on his elbow so he could reach over his wife and turn it off. He opened his eyes and groaned. She was gone.

XXXX

_Addison_

_5:32am_

"Your here early Dr. Shepherd," Izzie greeted Addison as she stepped into the nursery.

"I was needed," Addison replied vaguely as she adjusted tubes that didn't need adjusting.

"Of course," Izzie agreed not wanting to comment on Addison overt lie, "Is Dr. Shepherd here too? I think that Burke needs him on a consult."

"He might be," Addison replied, clearly having no idea where her husband might be.

Izzie was silent. She watched as Addison smoothed the same infants blanket over and over until no wrinkles remained. "Are you okay?"

Addison looked up and her entire semblance changed. A friendly smile plastered across her face, but didn't quite reach her eyes. "I'm fine," She replied picking up a chart, "Rounds in 5."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_5:59am_

"Spring has arrived in Seattle!" Tyler announced cheerfully as he arrived at the nurses station.

Meredith tapped her fingers and looked away. She had felt strange around Tyler ever sense George had mentioned that maybe she had feelings for him. At first she had blown the whole thing off, it was a ridiculous idea. It was Tyler. He was her friend. But if he was only her friend then why did she feel like this every time he was around?

"Mer? Hey earth to Mer!"

Meredith shook herself out of her daze and tried to focus on what was going on around her. "What?"

"Joe's. Tonight. 2 for 1 bar shots."

"Sounds good." Meredith replied trying to sound casual as she gathered her charts, "I've got to check on some patients," she continued struggling to hold on to everything as charts threatened to topple out of her arms.

"Hey, I'll get that," Tyler offered as he reached over to take an armful of stuff.

"No!" Meredith exclaimed jerking away, "I've got it," she recovered, "You know me, independent to a fault," she called over her shoulder as she hurried away, trying to keep up with her charts.

_Way to go Meredith. Now he knows something is up._

XXXX

_Derek_

_10:48am_

Derek paced back and forth up and down the neonatal halls waiting for Addison to appear.

"There you are," Derek greeted is wife with a small smile and a kiss on the cheek as she entered the hall way with Izzie. "I've been waiting to talk to you."

Addison looked him in the eye, "Don't go far Izzie. This will only take a minute."

Derek sighed and led Addison away by the elbow.

"Not now," Addison said before Derek could even open his mouth.

"Then when Addy?"

"I don't know Derek. Later."

They stood in a silent standoff, both staring at the floor.

"How about lunch?"

Addison crossed her arms, and looked away from Derek, "I have surgery."

"You have to eat."

"I know Derek. I will."

"Did you have breakfast?"

"Of course."

"What did you have?"

"Derek!"

"You have to take care of yourself. Have you checked your sugar lately?"

"Izzie!" Addison ignored Derek and turned her attention back to her intern, "Let's go," she said turning and heading down the hall.

"Izzie," Derek murmured catching her arm as she passed, "Let me know if she seems off, okay."

"Off how?"

Derek sighed, "Just call my cell if she doesn't seem herself or she seems..."

"Off?"

"Yeah," Derek smiled, glad that Izzie seemed to understand what he was asking.

Izzie smiled in return, and turned to catch up to Addison, "It's nothing serious is it?" she asked turning back.

"No," Derek smiled unconvincingly.

Izzie took a step towards Derek, "She's strong. Whatever it is, she won't let it get to her.

XXXX

_Addison_

_1:43pm_

Addison watched as Meredith slipped into what she probably thought was an empty gallery. There wasn't surgery scheduled here for another hour, so this was the perfect place to go if you needed some peace and quiet. Avoiding people was hard work. "Hey."

Meredith jumped. "Sorry, I thought this room was empty."

Addison shrugged, "This is a good place to hide, no one ever checks here. So we might as well hide together." _We always seem to end up in the same place anyway, _She thought as she patted the floor next to her.

"I guess," Meredith replied uncomfortably, as she crossed the room to sit against the wall beside Addison, "Can I ask you a question?"

Addison sighed, "Wouldn't that be a little awkward? I am still me and you're still you."

Meredith considered that, "I suppose. But even though your you and I'm me, you've always been honest, you've even been nice to me when I probably didn't deserve it."

"That wasn't always easy."

Meredith laughed, "See. Honest."

Addison didn't react just turned her head to look at Meredith, "What do you want to know."

Meredith was silent for a minute, "There is this guy..."

Addison raised her eyebrow, "Is it Derek?"

Meredith smiled, "No." she pulled off her ID tag and began playing with the clasp, "But he is the first guy since Derek that I have been able to talk to, you know?" Addison nodded and Meredith continued, "But the thing is, I don't really know what to do. I have no idea if he is even interested in me."

"He is," Addison assured her.

"You don't even know who I am talking about."

"Well if it is not my husband it is either George or Nurse Christianson. I am leaning towards Christianson though," Addison smiled at Meredith, "I am finally getting caught up on the gossip around here."

Meredith laughed "Yeah," her smile faded, "But there is another problem."

"There always is."

"Tyler is my friend. When we break up that's ruined."

"Who's saying that you are going to break up?"

"Every relationship ends at some point."

"Not all of them."

"All of mine do." Meredith shook her head, "I know the risks. So why even bother hoping that it will turn out differently."

Addison and Meredith silently watched each other, their minds pondering their own problems._ Figures that Meredith would be having the same problem that I am having. The burden of to much knowledge and experience._

"It _could_ turn out differently." Addison reflected.

Meredith thought about this, "But do you _really _think it can be?"

"I don't know, maybe." _She is to young to know that things never turn out differently. She is still naive enough to hope._

"You think that it could be different this time? That if I just face life and trust that everything will turn okay it will."

"All we can do is have to just hope that it will turn out okay, and not look back."

"Then I'm going to ask Tyler out to dinner." Meredith smiled and stood up.

Addison returned the smile, "Good."

Meredith paused at the door to the gallery, "Maybe you should take your own advice."

Addison took a deep breath, "Sometimes, it's better not to hope."

XXXX

_Derek_

_2:01pm_

_Where is she? She lied to me. She isn't in surgery. She isn't anywhere. Why is she avoiding me? She must know that I am worried about her and..._

_Why is she pushing me away?_

XXXX

_Addison_

_2:22pm_

_It's happening again. It's over._

"Are you ok?" Izzie followed Addison into an empty exam room.

_Where did she come from? _"I'm fine," Addison shrugged out of her lab coat and sat down on the bed.

"Your in pain, let me get someone."

"No!" Addison cried, trying to mask the pain, "I'm fine. "

Izzie watched with concern as Addison tried to pull herself together.

"Guess lunch didn't really agree with me."

Izzie shook her head, "I am calling your husband."

"Dr. Steeven's!"

"He told me to call him if something was wrong. Something is definitely wrong." Izzie looked over at her furious mentor, "And I guess once I talk to him I am off every case you assigned me to." She paused, "Dr. Shepherd? It's Izzie," Addison motioned for Izzie to hand her the phone, "Your wife wants to talk to you. And if she says she is fine, she is lying."

Addison glared at Izzie as she took the phone, "Derek? No I really am fine. Just a little nauseous. It's nothing."

Derek was silent, "It's something more isn't it?"

_It would be easier if I could just do this on my own. We don't both need to deal with this. _Addison closed her eyes, her voice caught slightly in her throat, "Yes."

"Are you in pain?"

Addison turned away from Izzie ,"Yes."

"Hand the phone back to Izzie, okay Lady? I'll be right there."

Izzie reclaimed the phone and stared in astonishment at Addison. She had become a different person. In the 30 seconds she had been on the phone she had become scared, weak and vulnerable.

"What room are you in?"

"2784. I think you should hurry."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_2:23pm_

_I can't believe I am going to do this. I am going to ask Tyler out on a date. 6 hours from now there is a very real possibility that I will be beginning to date Tyler. We could become a couple. We could get married. I could get sent to an insane asylum for getting to far ahead of myself. But this is HUGE. I Meredith Grey am opening myself to the possibility of love. I am giving myself permission to fall in love with Tyler... if I feel like it._

_And it feels good._

XXXX

_Derek_

_2:27pm_

"Addison?" Derek burst in the door, completely out of breath, "What's wrong?"

"She is having pain in her side."

"What kind of pain?" he asked his wife, sitting on the bed beside her and holding her hand, worry evident on his face.

"Sharp, and painful. It's gotten worse in the last few minutes."

"How long have you had it?"

Addison was silent.

"Addy?"

"A couple of days. But Derek..."

"Where?" he asked cutting her off.

She winced, "Upper right."

"Upper right? Are you sure?"

Addison winced again, "Positive."

"Addy, that's not..." Derek paused, "We've been through this before, and it's never been... upper right? I can't think of anything..."

"You think that it could be something else?"

"I hope so." _Please God. I don't ask for much, but let it be something else._

"Ok." Addison took a deep breath. "Ok."

"Izzie would you wheel that ultrasound over here?" Derek asked, as he unbuttoned the bottom buttons of Addison's shirt, difficult as Addison wouldn't let go of his hand. "It's hurts here?" He asked gently running his hand over the top right side of her stomach.

She nodded her free hand covering her face.

"Abdomen is distended," Izzie observed handing Derek the prepped ultrasound wand.

"Thank you Dr. Steevens" Derek said as he moved the wand to try and find the source of the pain.

"Derek?" Addison murmured. "Could you... first? I just need to know that..."

"Ok." Derek smiled and moved the wand to just below her belly button, "There." he grinned pointing to the screen. "Wow. Right there. See the heartbeat? He's fine."

"I'm neonatal Derek, I can see him." She smiled her hand still half covering her face, "He's huge."

"Thank god for the diabetes, otherwise he would have been to small for me to find."

"Your pregnant?" Izzie asked, shocked.

"Yeah." Addison and Derek both answered, not taking their eyes away from the screen.

"Now can we see what is hurting you?" Derek asked his wife gently.

"I don't even care anymore."

Derek laughed, "Hold still."

"Your pregnant?" Izzie repeated.

"13 weeks." Derek said quietly. "It was a bit unexpected."

"Wow." Izzie was amazed, "13 weeks. Your already in your second trimester. Wow, when people find out..."

"Don't tell anyone!" Addison said to Izzie suddenly, "I want to keep it quiet, _WE _want to keep it quiet."

"No. I understand, I won't tell." Izzie assured her. "This is so great!"

"You have appendicitis," Derek said suddenly, "The baby's big so he has kinda pushed it to the side, which is why you didn't figure it out right away. I'll call Burke."

"No! Not Burke. You do it."

"Addison, I can't."

"Derek, no one else will... understand."

Derek and Addison stared at each other for a few minutes. Izzie got the impression there was an entire conversation occurring that she couldn't hear.

"Would you let Richard do it?"

Addison considered for a minute. "As long no one else knows and I can sleep in my own bed tonight."

"I'll work it out with Richard." Derek kissed her forehead and stood up, "He'd do anything for you."

"Derek," Addison asked as he left the room, "You'll stay with me right?"

But he didn't hear her.

XXXX

_Meredith_

_8:30pm_

"What is going on with you?" Tyler demanded sitting down beside Meredith on a bench outside the hospital.

"Nothing," Meredith smiled.

"Now she is all smiles," Tyler rolled his eyes and looked at her, "She acts like a raving lunatic for weeks, you finally decide to call her on it and she is back to her old self.

Meredith shrugged and grinned, "I'm complex."

"Understated but accurate."

"So I was thinking," Meredith began, "That maybe we could go out."

"Sure," Tyler replied getting up, "Where do you want to go?"

"No," Meredith stood up to, trying to hide the fact that she was flustered. "Like out, out. On a date."

Tyler stared at her, "You want to date me?"

"Yes," Meredith smiled shyly, "Unless you are going to say no."

"I am not saying no."

"Good," Meredith laughed.

"Do you want to go out now?" Tyler asked awkwardly, his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah," Meredith replied laughing again and unable to stop smiling, "Oh wait," she took a step closer to him, and pulling together all her courage, she stood on her toes, placed a hand on either side of his face, and kissed him. "I was going to do that first."

XXXX

_Addison_

_3:22am_

Addison sat wearily on the edge of her hospital bed waiting for Derek to return. The small amount of medication she had allowed them to give her did nothing to help the fiery pain her her abdomen but the surgery was successful, and she was going home.

"Your chariot My Lady." Derek said with flourish as he wheeled in a chair, "The halls are empty and we can safely escape into the night."

Addison continued to sit silently.

"Do you want another shot of something before we go?"

Addison shook her head, "Derek what if this is only the start? What if things only get worse from here? Already we are almost right back where we were a year ago."

"It's going to be okay."

"You can't promise that."

"No," Derek whispered, "I can't. But I can promise that no matter what, I will love you." He reached out to put his arms around her.

"You said that before," Addison said harshly, ignoring his outstretched arms and standing up, "And look where it got us."

XXXXXXXXXX

So are your questions answered?

And man, I just love to have scenes with just Meredith and Addison talking. I like to think of Addison as being Meredith in 10 years. Not completely reasonable I know, but they are alike in some ways.

Anyway, I'll try to have the next chapter out soon. I am just not sure what to do with these people. I kinda know where I want them to be e few months from now, but I am not sure what to do with them in the meantime. Suggestions would be helpful.

P.S. How great was last nights episode. I am totally on team Addison on the trailer issue. I used to spend the entire summer in a trailer with my family when I was younger (we are talking 3 months for 9 years, with 5 people and a dog). Trailers are for camping not for permanent residence. I have thrown the same exact fit that Addison did, but without the trout. And I would have thrown the hairdryer at his head before I locked myself in the bathroom. He should consider himself lucky that she has some self-restraint.


	10. The Moment I Said It

OK. I know that this chapter is along time coming and for that I apologize. I am trying really hard to strike this weird balance that is apparent only to me. But alas it is written, and it is not that bad. I hope. I mean the chapters always seem good to me but I know what comes next. So all the vague little details that I put in to be explained are only the 'mean' for you guys whereas I see the end. Did that make sense? Oh well. Enjoy the chapter.

XXXXXXXXXX

June

XXXX

_Meredith_

_6:05am_

Meredith stretched happily within the warmth of the blankets.

"My roommates are going to start wondering where I am all the time." She smiled as she rolled on her side to look at Tyler.

"Well maybe," he replied brushing a lock of hair out of her eyes and kissing her nose, "You should just tell them."

"But it is so much fun like this." Meredith smiled again and moved closer to him, "I like it being just us."

"Me too." Tyler smiled, "I just feel weird hiding it from everyone."

"We aren't hiding," Meredith pointed out, "We are just keeping it to ourselves. If Izzie said 'Meredith, are you spending every night with Tyler having wild passionate sex that would make Cleopatra blush?' I would have to say 'Yes'."

"Wow," Tyler laughed, "I really hope she asks."

Meredith laughed too, "I bet you do."

XXXX

_Derek_

6:55am

Derek and Addison silently drove to work. They had stopped taking separate cars. Although neither of them would say it, they hated being at the apartment alone. This way they had to arrive at the same time and leave at the same time. They were never more then a few floor away from each other. But this also meant that they spent longer hours in the hospital, one would always be called back just as the other was finishing up. They spent most of their waking hours at the hospital.

This arrangement did not go over well with Richard. On more then one occasion he had forced one of them to leave the hospital. Derek in particular was easily distracted especially when the hours were starting to pile up, and Richard just wanted Addison at home in bed as much as possible. He quite often seemed more concerned with the state of her pregnancy then she did.

In addition, the constant long hours had not escaped the notice of the hospital gossip mill. As well as the Shepherds had been doing, long hours at the hospital was a sign that all was not right at home. McDreamy wasn't quite as Dreamy when he hadn't slept in 2 days, and Addison was not tolerating anything less then perfection from everyone around her.

But all this escaped the Shepherds attention. They were in their own worlds, lost in their own thoughts.

"What?" Addison asked softly as they drove.

"Nothing." he replied equally as quiet, dragging his eyes back to the road.

"You were staring at me."

Derek was silent. "Your hair." he paused, "I love your hair."

Addison was silent. She knew what he was getting at.

"And your eyebrows. They have a personality all of there own,"

Addison didn't respond, she just stared out the window.

Derek spoke softly and slowly glancing at her every so often so that his eyes could take in her every feature. "And your skin, your cheekbones, your eyelashes, your legs, your smile, your hands, your eyes." Derek smiled, "But mostly your hair."

The corners of Addison's lips twitched slightly as she tried not to smile, "I don't think a _boy_ would want to have my cheekbones."

Derek glanced at Addison.

She just raised an eyebrow and shrugged slightly.

Derek couldn't help but grin.

XXXX

_Addison_

_7:17am _

Addison locked herself in the bathroom immediately upon arriving at the hospital. She shouldn't have told him. That stupid little detail was all that it had taken for him to fall completely in love with this baby. She had seen it happen before and it just made it hurt more later on.

She should be doing a better job at protecting him. It was the only way that she could protect herself.

XXXX

_Meredith _

_9:02am_

"So you know that one of the things that I like about our friendship is that we don't tell each other every little detail, right?" Cristina stated stopped Meredith in a stairwell.

"Yes."

"Okay then. I am going to give you some advice, but it is on a subject that I don't have any knowledge about, and just because I am saying this, does not mean that I want details."

"What are you talking about?"

"Tyler. You have to tell George and Izzie."

"How..."

"How do I know? Hello, Meredith. I'm Cristina I know everything, except about this, I don't know anything about this. But seriously, you have to tell them. They are driving me crazy."

"I was going to tell..."

"Don't," Cristina held up a hand to silence her, "The next time they ask me if you have told me anything I want to be able to say 'No'. Just do something before poor George's head explodes."

XXXX

_Derek_

_12:27pm_

"Addison isn't around is she?" Derek asked looking tentatively around him. He hadn't stepped foot in the nursery in weeks.

"No," Izzie smiled and gestured that he should come in, "She'll be back in a sec. She wanted to personally take one of the babies to it's mother."

Derek glanced at the baby nestled in Izzie's arms, "I'll just wait outside. I was just coming to get her for lunch."

"No, stay," Izzie invited, "I have been in here alone all day. I need communicate in something other then baby talk."

Derek smiled and stepped further into the room. He didn't know how Addison did it. Being surrounded by a dozen perfect babies made him feel excited and doomed at the same time.

Just then the phone on the wall began ringing. Izzie rolled her eye's, "Every time my hands are full." She looked around her vaguely, "Will you hold her?" she asked settling the baby into his arms before he could respond.

Derek looked down in amazement. Everything around him disappeared, it was just him and the baby. He had never experienced anything like it before. Whenever he had held his nieces and nephews as newborns there had always been family members around. Everyone fighting to get a good look or taking the baby before he even got a chance to really hold it. But this time it was just him and her. Derek staring at her in complete awe, and the baby girl with her eyes tightly shut, and her mouth slowly opening and closing, slept soundly. But the peace only lasted for a minute.

How something so small could make a noise so loud Derek would never understand. But when that angel started to cry, Derek suddenly wished that he had waited for Addison outside.

Izzie hung up the phone. "Rock her." she advised, "Just use your upper body and kinda swing from side to side."

Derek looked at her skeptically but obeyed.

"Good," Izzie smiled, touching his shoulders to adjust his swing, "Your a natural."

"She is still crying."

"Well babies cry." Izzie shrugged, "But you could try shhh-ing her." Derek stared at her, "No I'm serious. Just SHHH really loud and she'll start to calm down. It has something to do with the sounds they hear in the womb"

"Why don't you just take her back."

"You might as well learn this now." Izzie pointed out, "And if you do this, then I can get the bottles ready."

Derek continued, "Thanks Izzie."

Izzie didn't look up, "For what?"

Derek didn't answer.

Izzie turned around, "You know whenever you want, you can come up here. Hang out. Maybe pick up a few tips."

"Thanks," the baby fell peacefully back to sleep. "It worked. Where did you learn that?"

Izzie handed him a bottle, "Addison."

XXXX

_Addison_

_12:31pm_

Addison watched Derek and Izzie through the nursery window. Derek seemed so happy holding that baby. It just fit, Derek with a child. _That's how it should be_. _He would be a good father. He will be a good father. He might be a father._

Addison watched as Izzie showed him how to soothe the baby back to sleep. _I should be the one doing that. _For a moment Addison considered rushing into the nursery and taking over, she should be the one with him, teaching him the numerous tricks that she had picked up in the last 15 years.

Instead, she wiped a tear from her eye and left the wing.

XXXX

_Meredith_

_6:34pm_

Meredith walk nervously into the cafeteria. She had avoided it all day, but she was going to tell her roommates about Tyler. Starting with George.

"Hey," George said as she sat down, "It seems like I haven't seen you in days."

"Yea," Meredith replied distractedly, unsure of how she was going to bring this up.

"You must have gotten up early this morning," George continued searching her face, "Did you go to the gym or something?"

"Yeah," lied Meredith.

George looked at her hard, and nodded.

_He knows that was a lie. _"I didn't go to the gym, George." Meredith took a deep breath, "I was with Tyler. I've been with him a lot lately. Tyler and I are..."

"I know."

"You know?"

"I just don't know why you didn't tell me sooner."

"I didn't want to hurt you." _I knew that you... liked me._

"It hurt that you didn't think that you could tell me that you were happy." George paused and picked at his supper, "All I want is for you to be happy. And I know that he does... make you happy."

"Yeah, he does."

"Good. And if he ever stops making you happy, I'll kill him with my bare hands."

Meredith raised an eyebrow and laughed.

"Well I'll hire someone to kill him with their bare hands. But I'll kick his dead body really hard."

XXXX

_Derek_

_2:03 am_

Derek reached out and smoothed his hand over Addison hair as it spilled over the pillow. She was barely talking to him. He watched her chest rise and fall as she slept. As hard as they were trying, they were growing apart again. The nightmares had returned the night they found out about the baby. Her doctor had prescribed sleeping pills to help her sleep. Derek doubted that they worked. Addison still had nightmares every night.

Tonight, like every other night, he found his eyes drawn to her stomach. It was a miracle that that baby, their son, even existed. Hesitantly he reached out and touched her abdomen. He loved their baby so much that it hurt. He pulled his hand away and felt almost an immediate loss. Reaching out again he slowly pulled up the hem of Addison t-shirt and touched her stomach again, comforted by the fact that he was that much closer to his child.

"Don't get to attached Derek." Addison said into the darkness.

He hadn't realized that she had woken up.

"It will only make it harder." She reached out and placed her hand on top of his, intertwining their fingers she moved their hands so they rested closer to her heart.

"It could be different this time."

Addison was silent along time, "But what if it isn't?" she asked finally, releasing his hand and rolling over, away from him.

Derek watched his wife pull away.

When he woke up the next morning she was gone.

XXXXXXXXXX

Ok how good was tonight's episode. I totally called the dog thing. I figured that he would either go with Burke and Cristina or the Shepherds but I really thought that the Shepherds made the most sense. Also now the Shepherds are like a little family. And they seem so happy. I mean, would Derek agree to take a dog if he wasn't in it for the long term. A dog is a big commitment, it's right up there with having kids. Seriously, major appliance, dog, kids. I think my favorite couple is safe for awhile. I can sleep easy.

REVIEW!


	11. Loneliest Girl in the World

I didn't leave my computer my darling Lightening Lindy. Hopefully this lives up to your expectations.

As you may have noticed I skipped July. Nothing happens in July. Well actually I forgot about July and spent 3 days just planning August. So nothing happened in July. But August is really long cause it is jammed full of fun (and I use the term fun loosely). So everyday in August gets it's own little section and it is going to be 4 CHAPTERS LONG! How much do you love me? Don't all yell at once. Oh and some of it is going to be Izzie's POV, I know, CRAZINESS!

XXXXXXXXXX

_August_

XXXX

_Addison_

_August 1st_

Addison leaned against the door to the bathroom. She knew that her husband was standing, probably pacing, outside but she just didn't want to deal with him right now. Unfortunately she had to go to work and there was only one way out. _Just please don't say anything._

"Addy..."

"Derek," Addison said irritably as she emerged, "I am fine."

Derek remained silent as he watched her continue to get ready. She was pale. Very pale. "Maybe you should get it checked out. Just to be safe."

"Derek! Obstetrics is my field. It's nothing."

"Ok." Derek relented, sitting on the bed and continuing to watch her. "You look beautiful."

"Derek..."

"You do." He smiled, coming around behind her and resting his chin on her shoulder, as she gazed into the mirror, "Pregnancy has always suited you. You even look good with the belly."

Addison glanced down uneasily, it was getting increasingly difficult to hide her stomach.

"I was thinking that after work, if you were feeling better, we could go shopping and get some new clothes." Derek teased kissing her on the cheek and retreating to the chair in the corner, "Designer Maternity Wear!"

Addison ignored him. She just continued to move around the room. Every few minutes she would pause, press her hand to her stomach and take a deep breath.

"Addison." Derek was at her side in a flash.

_Dear God..._"Not now," she murmured as she rushed to the bathroom again.

Derek was unable to do anything except stand outside the door and listen to his wife be sick.

XXXX

_Derek_

_August 2nd_

It was Derek's favorite time of day. Well night actually. However distant Addison could be during the day, and she was quite distant lately, she always reached for him at night. She would fall asleep as far away from him as possible, but as soon as her sleep became uneasy he would reach out and wrap his arms around her and she would hold on to him tightly for the rest of the night unable to get close enough. It was his favorite time. It was his time. His time to be with his wife and with their child.

Most nights he would leave the door to the nursery open. From where he lay he could see the crib. He held Addison tighter as he remember putting the room together. It was the only thing that he and Addison had done together to get ready for the baby, and it was mostly done separately.

The nursery used to be Addison's walk in closet. It was quite large and featured it's own skylight. He came home from work late one night and found that she had gone through both of their wardrobes and separated everything that was out of season or that they didn't wear. Before he went to bed that night he moved all the extra clothes into the closets of the spare rooms.

A few days later Addison moved all her things into his closet leaving the bigger one empty. By the next week Derek had taken down all the hardware in the room and had repaired all the holes in the walls. 2 days later he walked into the room to find paint clips taped to a diagram telling him what colours went where. The next time Addison came home from a long shift the nursery was painted a soft green.

Thing continued like this for most of July. She dug the chest full of baby things out of the storage closet, He carried his grandfathers rocking chair up from the den. She bought pictures and hung them on the walls, he bought books and lined them up in the bookcase by the rocking chair. He bought new lighting and installed a monitoring system, she bought a changing table and blankets.

They went together, in silence, to get the disassembled crib from the shed at the trailer. They sat together on the floor of the nursery, in silence, and put it together again. They didn't even need the instructions this time.

Derek couldn't wait until he could look over to that crib at night and know that his son was asleep inside. Everything was coming together perfectly.

XXXX

_Meredith_

_August 3rd_

"You look happy," Meredith said, sitting down next to Derek in the OR gallery. Addison was performing surgery on a 3 day old preemie.

Derek raised his eyebrow and smiled, "I am happy."

"You look it."

They sat in silence for awhile.

"Can I ask you something?" Meredith asked finally. "Since you are in such a good mood and all.

"Sure."

"We're friends right?"

"Best friends," Derek assured her, "Soul mates."

"Soul mates?" Meredith teased, "I wouldn't mention that to Addison."

Derek shrugged, "Go ahead. Your my best friend and soul mate, she is my best friend and love of my life," he grinned, "There is more then enough McDreamy to go around."

"Okay, shut up," Meredith shook her head and hit him on the arm, "I have a serious question to ask."

"Fine, then I'll give you a serious answer."

"What made you realize that you had to pick her?" Meredith asked.

Derek chuckled, "See, this is what I like about you. You don't waste words."

"This is what I don't like about you," she countered, "You avoid my questions.

Derek laughed out loud causing the other people in the room to look at them, "Fair enough," he paused, "It was you."

"Me?"

"Ya, you. Is that so hard to believe?"

"What could I have done to make you go back to your wife?" Meredith asked.

"Your speech."

"The one were I begged you to love me?" Meredith asked, embarrassed, "I'm going to have the hire a new speech writer."

"No, it was a good speech. Perfect," Derek looked at her and smiled, "And just for the record I would give you my last piece of cheesecake too."

"So?"

"So, you made me realize that its more then cheesecake and taste in music. It's bigger. I wouldn't just give up a piece of cheesecake for her, I would give up everything I have, my life, my happiness for her. Not to be heroic, not to prove something but because I love her that much and I want her to be happy no matter what. Even if it's not with me."

"But she cheated. How can you just forget that?"

Derek stared hard at her. "It's not about forgetting, it's about forgiving. It was never that she had sex with my best friend, although that really hurt, it was that she needed something that I wasn't giving her" he explained, "At first I thought that she didn't love me anymore, and I couldn't stay there and look at her and know that I wasn't what she wanted. But then I realized that all that happened, it was my fault too. I pushed her away when she needed me, I wasn't there for her. We started to grow apart and neither of us did anything to stop it. And when we realized it was happening there was no easy way to get it back, it was to late. Addison sleeping with Mark was the best thing that has happened in our relationship in the last 3 years."

"What?" Meredith was astonished at what Derek had just said."But you left her. You moved to the other side of the country."

"And she followed me." Derek could tell that Meredith didn't get it so he continued, "The most telling part about a relationship is how you end your fights. If it's not resolved right then, usually someone leaves because they need space to work things out in their head. Then one of three things could happen. One, the person that left could come back, two, the person that stays could go after the person that left and force them to deal with it.

"What's the third?"

"Neither of them could do anything. I needed to know that she would do something, that she wouldn't give up."

"But then why did you have such a hard time choosing her?"

"I didn't want to get hurt again, and I guess I didn't want to hurt her. Or you. I wouldn't have survived this without you."

"I just made things harder," Meredith sighed looking through the glass at Addison.

"Not really. You were mostly just a scapegoat when we fought. Addison knew that I love you, but she also knew I love her. You were an easy way for us to get out other things that we had pent up. Which by the way, I'm sorry for."

Meredith shrugged,"You know when I asked, I just expected you to say 'I realized I loved her not you'."

"But I do love you. There is like an invisible umbilical cord connecting us."

"Derek," Meredith looked him straight in the eye, "That is the most rediculous thing that you have ever said to me. You suck at analogies."

"I know, it's no 'I'm a sink with an open drain' ," he teased "But it's still true."

"So your happy?"

Derek smiled, "Ya I'm happy. How could I not be. Everything is perfect."

"Good."

"Are you? Happy?"

"Ya. I really am happy."

Derek reached over and squeezed her hand, "I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

Meredith looked at him, "But if you hadn't, we wouldn't be so happy now."

XXXX

_Addison_

_August 4th_

Addison paced the floor of the hospital bathroom where she had spent most of the week hiding out and trying to keep what little food was in her stomach in her stomach.

_This is ridiculous, _she sighed as she pushed open the door.

"Hey," Izzie greeted her immediately.

_No wonder no one walked in there for over an hour. I have a sentry parked outside._

"I know you don't feel well, but you need to eat for the ba...," Izzie stopped herself, "I brought you some soup."

Addison stomach instantly started to churn, "Jesus Izzie," She hissed, disappearing into the bathroom once again.

XXXX

_Izzie_

_August 5th_

"Dr. Shepherd I need to talk to you," Izzie said nervously as she approached Derek.

"Ok," Derek smiled and closed his chart giving Izzie his complete attention.

"It's Dr. Shepherd, your wife. I think there is something wrong," Izzie paused nervously, but when Derek didn't stop her she realized that he saw it to. "She hasn't said anything," Izzie continued, "but she hasn't been eating much, and when she does she is getting sick. I asked her if she was ok and she said she just had a headache and was tired. Also she is exhibiting a lot of signs of dehydration, aside from the headache and the exhaustion, her hands are cold, her skin looks dry, her eyes are sunken in..."

"Ok," Derek interrupted her, "What would be your informal diagnoses?"

"Well it could just be that her sugar is low or she is not getting enough water."

"What do you think is wrong with her Izzie?"

"Hyperemesis Gravidarum," Izzie sighed, "She is showing all the signs, extreme nausea, vomiting and dehydration. It's pretty easy to treat but..."

"She'd have to be admitted." Derek finished, "She won't do that." Derek was silent for a moment, "I need to talk to some people," he said finally, "And I need you to do me a favor."

"Sure," Izzie agreed.

"Ok," Derek murmured, more to himself then to Izzie.

"I need to to get everything that she needs to be treated and stash it somewhere. Maybe take it to your place for the night, I don't know."

"You want me to steal hospital supplies?"

"And equipment. Try to get a portable ultrasound."

Izzie's eye's grew large, "Seriously? I don't think..."

"Don't worry. You won't get in trouble," Derek said absent mindedly as he walked away, "Just don't say anything to Addison."

Izzie stood in the middle of the hallway. Contemplating the situation.

"Your planning something." Cristina declared as she planted herself in front of Izzie.

"No I'm not," Izzie denied as she tried to move past her.

"Oh you so are." Cristina grinned, "What is it."

"Nothing."

"Nothing. Right."

"Honest. It's nothing. Would I lie to you?"

"Yes," Cristina exclaimed, grabbing Izzie's arm, "Come on tell me. I'm the Edward Norton to your Brad Pitt. Fight Club. It's our thing. Illegal Autopsies. Pregnant guys..."

"Fine," Izzie relented, "But this Fight club is so underground..."

"Ya whatever," Cristina was practically giddy, "What are we doing?"

"We are stealing some supplies..." Izzie began, as she walked down the hall"... and equipment."

"Kids stuff," Cristina declared.

"And then we have to hide it somewhere in the house and pray that Meredith and George don't find it until I can get it to... where it is going."

Cristina bit her lip, "Huh," she sighed, "That could be tricky."

"Ya," Izzie agreed as they continued walking.

"But I have a solution," She stopped and grinned, "I still have my apartment. We can hide it there."

Izzie smiled, "Perfect."

"And you thought you could do this on your own."

"Did you get everything?" Derek asked Izzie as he met her in the stairwell a few hours later.

"Ya. Everything is hidden away until you need it."

"Thanks Izzie," Derek smiled slightly.

Izzie just smiled and continued up the stairs.

XXXX

_Derek_

_August 6th_

"Addison you haven't been able to keep anything down in days."

"It's nothing Derek. Just a little morning sickness." Addison said under her breath as the passed a group of nurses.

"It's not a little anything Addy." Derek reached for her elbow, forcing her to look at him, "Your loosing weight, your pale and tired. I'm worried about you."

"Don't be," she said cooly as she walked away.

"Addison," he said angrily, "You and I both know that it is to late for you to be having morning sickness."

"Derek," Addison fumed, her eyes flashing, "We will talk about this later."

"Fine. But you are going home. Now."

"Derek!"

"I talked to Webber..."

"You talked to Richard..."

"I talked to Richard, and he is going to tell people that you are on a consultation out of town, so you can take all the time you need to get better."

"Derek, I am not..."

"I also talked to Izzie..."

"Izzie!"

"I put her in charge. You don't come back to work until she says so. She'll bring you any charts you want and she'll get you any medication you need. But you are not setting one foot out of the apartment until we say so."

XXXX

_Addison_

_August 7th_

_I cannot believe this. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him._

_And her. _Addison looked disdainfully at the IV Izzie had hooked her up to the night before. _I hate her too. How dare she do this. What right does she have to be telling me what it wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. If there was something wrong I would fix it._

_God I hate him. If he thinks that I am talking to him anytime soon he is sorely mistaken. For my own good. Right. I can take care of myself. I was doing perfectly fine before he interfered. He is reading way to much into this. He has read way to much into all of this. He is getting to involved and it isn't right. He should have just left me alone._

Addison leaned against the headboard of the bed and closed her eyes, absent mindedly she rubbed her stomach in small circles. _Stop kicking me sweetheart. It makes mommy sad when you do that. You know I love you very much, but it hurts my heart to feel you moving. Why don't we just have a nap ok? You and me. We will both take a nap and then we will feel better. Ok? You just stay nice and still and everything will be ok. Everything is going to be ok. Mommy and Daddy love you so much, just remember that._

XXXX

_Meredith_

_August 8th_

"What are you doing?" Meredith laughed as Tyler dragged her into the cafeteria.

"We are celebrating."

"Celebrating what?"

"Our anniversary," he explained as he led her over to a table covered with a table cloth and real dishes.

"It's not our anniversary. We don't have an anniversary."

"I cannot believe that you forgot." Tyler shook his head in disappointment, "Exactly 9 weeks and 5 days ago today you kissed me for the first time."

Meredith laughed as she placed her clothe napkin in her lap, "We are celebrating the fact that almost 10 weeks ago I kissed you."

"9 weeks and 5 days. For the first time."

"Are we going to celebrate everything?"

Tyler shrugged, "Why not? There's cake."

"Well in that case, Friday is the 2 month anniversary of the first time we had sex. Make sure it's chocolate."

XXXX

_Derek_

_August 9th_

Derek sat quietly in the nursery. He figured if he sat there long enough curiosity would get the best of her and Addison would speak to him.

He was right.

"What are you doing?" she asked quietly, pulling the IV pole behind her as she entered the room.

"Come see," he invited her, moving so that she could sit in the rocking chair. "See," he said kneeling beside her and handing her some papers, "It's a cottage. I thought we could build it where the trailer is and that way we could see the river from the kitchen and family room," he pointed, "And from the master bedroom upstairs."

Addison nodded and Derek continued.

"We could put a guest bedroom here for when Weiss and Sav want to escape Manhattan. And here," he pointed to two rooms beside the master bedroom, "are the kids rooms."

"Kids," Addison whispered.

"Yeah. I thought that maybe once the little man grew up a bit we would press our luck and try for a girl. You never know. We got one miracle already." Derek smiled at Addison and looked back down at his plans, "And I thought that maybe next summer I would start building him a tree house. He won't be able to use it for a few years but..."

"Derek stop." Addison exclaimed, standing up.

"What's the matter?"

"You just have to stop. All of it." Addison headed for the door, "Just stop."

XXXX

_Addison_

_August 10th_

Addison sat in the dark silently fuming. This wasn't working, and she was going to tell him.

Derek stirred in his sleep and reached out for her. Finding her not there he allowed himself to wake up. "What's wrong Lady? Nightmare?"

Addison shook her head, "No. I was just thinking."

Derek got out of bed and kissed her on the forehead, "Oh," he sat on the floor in front of her chair, "I was dreaming about you," he told her, "You and me and the baby. We were at the beach, and you were explaining to the baby that he was to small to swim but..."

"Derek, no, this isn't working." Addison said suddenly.

"What?" Derek stuttered, turning to face her.

"We aren't working." Addison choaked out, "Or I'm not working. I don't know."

Derek knelt in front of her and took both her hands in his, "Addy..."

"No." Addison cried, tears beginning to stream down her face, "I can't be with you right now. I can't."

"Addison," Derek's voice caught in his throat, "What are you saying."

"I think you should leave," she sobbed quietly.

"No..."

"You have to Derek. I can't be around you right now. Just please leave."

Sobs shook both their bodies as he buried his face in her lap, and she buried her face in his hair.

"I can't leave you." Derek murmured against her thigh, "I love you."

"That's how I know you'll go," she whispered, tears falling into his hair.

Derek looked up and nodded, "OK." He leaned forward and rested his forehead against her stomach, "I love you," he whispered to the baby. Slowly he stood. He leaned forward and brushed a few tears off of Addison's face. "I love you more then you could possibly imagine," he told her as he gently kissed her good bye.

"I love you too," she replied as he picked up his keys and slowly left the room, "That's why I'm doing this."

XXXXXXXXXX

Agh. I can't believe that she did that. Agh. I tried to talk her out of it but she insisted that she needed her space and he had to go. I am not even kidding. I was so mad when I realized that Addison was going to kick him out that I immediately e-mailed Steph (Beauty and the Breakdown, to whom I don't give nearly enough credit) and complained that Addison was destroying my story. Agh I can't believe she is doing this to me.

But on the bright side they were adorable in sundays episode. I remain as hopefull as ever (especially since I saw some pics from an upcoming episode).

REVIEW! I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING! DO IT NOW!


	12. Lady Lady

Okay, I am SO sorry that this took so long. I was/am sick and I honestly had no idea what I was writing half the time. There is a scene with Derek and Addison that literally wrote itself, I read it the next day and only had a vague idea of how it happened. So I spent a lot of time rereading it and making sure that the thing makes sense, I am still taking medication so I am still iffy, but Steph says it's ok so if you are dying of confusion or if it's SO bad that you want to kill yourself, blame her (HAHA, don't really, she rocks). Oh and there really isn't a lot of Meredith in this chapter 'cause she is happy and that's just not interesting. Hopefully she will be back to her old self-deprecating, woe-is-me ways by the next chapter.

And this is for Jen cause I can barely go online without her asking for an update, and she is a schemer that one.

XXXXXXXXXX

_Izzie_

_August 11th_

Maybe falling apart wasn't the right word, chaos definitely wasn't the word. Babies were still being born and everything seemed to be running smoothly. But as Izzie looked around the neonatal ward she realized that something wasn't right. The confidence was gone. Nurses and doctors silently breathed prayers that Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd would return soon. She knew just about everything and could perform surgeries that they were all dying to learn.

And Izzie was tired. Addison had only been out a week, but it had been a week of giving vague replies about when she would return, where she was, and what she was doing. She was doing her best, but you can only hit your own page button so many times.

"Izzie." Izzie looked up to see Derek walking purposely towards her. "Come with me," he instructed leading her away by the elbow, "I need a favor," he told her closing the door to the locker room behind them.

"Sure," Izzie replied easily.

"I need you to move into the apartment with Addison for a few days. Maybe a week. I'm not really sure right now."

"Are you going somewhere?"

Derek was silent.

For the first time Izzie noticed his rumpled clothes, his red puffy eyes and the fact that he clearly had made no attempt shave. "Oh."

"It's just for a few days," Derek reiterated weakly, "She's having a hard time. She needs some space."

"Then maybe..." Izzie wasn't sure what to say, "I mean is it really a good idea for me to stay there then. If she wants to be alone."

Derek looked her directly in the eye, "I don't want her to be alone."

"You don't think that she'd..."

"No. No, that's not what I meant." Derek shook his head adamantly, "I just want someone there, in case. Just at night."

"Ok," Izzie agreed, "I'll go over tonight."

Derek nodded, "I had a key made this morning..." he said, reaching into his pocket and reluctantly handing her the key.

"Dr. Shepherd the Chief wants to see you," Nurse Debbie said poking her head in the door.

Izzie quickly slipped the key into her pocket.

"I'll be right there," Derek told the nurse.

"It will be ok," Izzie assured him.

"Okay," Derek muttered more to himself then to Izzie as he left.

"Hey," Tyler greeted her as he entered the locker room 5 minutes later, "You seen Meredith?"

"No."

"Hey, you ok?"

"Ya." Izzie sighed, "I just think that I might be getting in over my head."

XXXX

_Derek_

_August 12th_

He was going out of his mind. He paced back and forth, up and down the trailer. It was almost 11. _I'll call her at 12_, she had been staying up pretty late lately.

He went to the fridge and pulled out a beer. He had completely giving up alcohol when he found out Addison was pregnant. It made him feel more supportive if he gave up the little vices too, like the occasional beer and the coffee. But he was having a hard couple of days.

And for no real reason he suddenly hated the trailer. It had been almost a year since he had spent a night alone in it. He regretted spending so much time making Addison hate it. Once they moved out of it she had started to like it, and they had even spent most of their weekends in it once the nights warmed up in the spring.

11:17. It couldn't hurt to call her now.

Derek picked up his portable phone settled on the bed.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hey," Derek could hear her smiling through the phone.

"I miss you," he said honestly.

"I miss you too," she said sadly.

_Silence._

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine."

"Your sure?"

"Yes," she replied testily.

"Sorry," he apologized.

_Silence._

"Izzie is here."

"I know. Do you mind?"

"No."

"I didn't want you to be all alone," he explained.

"I know," she replied.

_Silence._

"What did you do all day?"

"I stayed in bed."

"All day?"

"Yes," she laughed a bit.

"Spoiled. That's what you are."

_Silence._

"What did you do today."

"Worried. Worked a bit. But mostly worried."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"How can I not?"

"Just don't let yourself."

_Silence._

"Did you want to go to bed?"

"I'm in bed," she joked.

"You know what I meant. Do you want me to go?"

"No."

"Good."

_Silence._

"It's not forever Derek."

"I know."

"It's just for now."

"I know."

"I'm just tired. Of this. Of this whole damn thing."

_Silence_

"You should get some sleep."

"But..."

"Don't worry I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay."

"Okay."

XXXX

_Addison_

_August 13th_

"_Addison. Addison. Addy, Sweetheart, wake up. Come on Lady. Wake up. Addison."_

Addison shook herself out of the nightmare that had claimed her peaceful sleep. She could hear Derek calling her name, but the room was empty.

"_Addy? Addy. Addison. It's okay. It's okay. Wake up, Love."_

Addison picked up the phone that was resting on Derek's pillow. "Derek?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. We're fine. I'm just a little out of breath."

Derek smiled at the way she referred to herself and the baby. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere."

"I knew you wouldn't." Addison struggled slightly getting out of bed, one hand holding the phone to her ear the other trying support her weight as she maneuvered her expanding body out of bed.

"What are you doing?"

"I am going to go downstairs and make some hot chocolate." Addison replied as she put on her robe and left the bedroom.

"'Cause that's what you need, a sugar rush at 3 am. Besides you are suppose to be sticking to bland foods."

"You can't fight the cravings, Derek."

"There is some of that Lavender tea on the top shelf. Try that."

Addison stood on her tiptoes and reached for the tea, "You know I could tell you that I was having tea and really have hot chocolate."

"You wouldn't do that."

"No," Addison agreed, "I wouldn't."

Addison sat down at the kitchen table.

"God, I wish I was there with you now."

"I know. I do too. You understand don't you?"

"I don't know Addy. I do and I don't. I try, but..."

"You know I love you don't you?"

Derek was silent.

"Oh God, Derek. I love you so much. I love you both, so much."

"Addison?" Izzie blinked against the light as she entered the kitchen, "Are you okay?"

"Ya, Izzie I'm fine. I'm sorry I woke you."

"I thought that I heard..."

"Phone," Addison held up her portable.

"Oh, do you need anything?" Izzie yawned, "'Cause if not, I'm going back to sleep." Addison shook her head. "Night."

"Izzie?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," Addison smiled and poured her tea, "She wanted to know who been tying up the phone line for the last 5 hours."

XXXX

_Meredith_

_August 14_

"Hot or cold?"

"For what?" Meredith asked suspiciously. She was only half paying attention, mostly she was watching Webber... well she wasn't sure what he was doing, she had just wandered into the empty gallery, but it was really bloody.

"Just pick one."

Meredith shook her head, still unable to drag her eyes away from the blood bath, "I need more details. If it is coffee I want it hot, pizza cold."

"Okay, let's say I wanted to take you away for an undetermined amount of time. Would you rather go somewhere hot or somewhere cold?"

This got Meredith's attention, "You are taking me on a trip? For an undetermined amount of time?"

"No," Tyler replied.

"Then why..."

"Can't you just answer a simple question? Why do you always have to analysis every little thing to death? It's a simple question, hot or cold?"

Meredith stared him down, "Hot."

"I was hoping you would stay that. Parka's just don't have the same effect as a string bikini."

"A string bikini?" Meredith raised an eyebrow, "I am going to pretend you did not just say that."

"Hey your right, this resort has a nude beach." Tyler teased holding out a pamphlet.

"I thought you said we weren't going anywhere."

"We're not." Tyler replied revealing a handful of brochures for vacation destinations all over the world, "But that doesn't mean we can't plan. That way 50 years from now when we actually have money, we can just pick up and go."

"50 years? You want to plan a vacation together for 50 years from now."

"Hey, it could romantic. Our 75 year olds selves meeting on a romantic tropical island."

"Your insane." Meredith said, shaking her head, grinning, and turning back to the surgery.

"Fine, I'll go by myself, but you'll be sorry." Tyler turned to watch the surgery, "Okay now that's disgusting."

XXXX

_Derek_

_August 15th_

It had been 5 days. 5 entire days since he had seen his wife. He stood nervously outside his apartment door. He wasn't going to stay. He just wanted to know for himself that she was okay. She said she was fine, Izzie said that she was doing better, but he wasn't going to believe it until he saw her for himself.

He quietly let himself in the front door. The house was silent. He slowly walked up the stairs. Strangely he felt like he was intruding, that he was somewhere that he didn't belong and someone was watching him.

He walked in the open bedroom door and smiled. Addison lay in the middle of the bed fast asleep, hugging his pillow. He crossed the room and sat on the bed beside her. He sat and watched her for a moment, she did look better. She wasn't quite as pale. If it wasn't for the IV she would just look like she had a bad cold. Derek glanced around the room, his eyes stopping on the closed door to the nursery. She had piled a few laundry baskets in front of the door.

"Derek?" Addison said sleepily.

"Hey," Derek smiled at her, and cupped her cheek with his hand, "I just came to see how you are."

Addison sat up and put her arms around her husband, burying her face in his neck.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," she whispered, pulling away.

"Your sure?" he asked brushing some hair out of her face.

"Ya."

They sat silently for a moment, their hands clasped.

"Has he been kicking?" Derek asked finally.

Addison looked up in surprise, "What?" she asked softly.

Derek searched her eyes, "Can you feel him kicking?"

Inexplicably Addison's eye's filled with tears.

"Can you?" Derek pleaded.

Addison nodded.

"Where?"

Addison took a deep breath and placed Derek hand on the middle of her belly.

Derek's eye's lit up and filled with tears at the same time, "You never told me..."

"I know."

"Why?"

"I was protecting you."

"I don't need protecting! I should be the one protecting you,"

"But you can't." Addison pushed Derek's hand away and crossed her arms protectively, "If you knew, it would make it real Derek. You would have been... so happy. And I wouldn't... We would have gotten to attached and I can't go through having my heartbroken like that again."

"Addison look how far you have made it." Derek argued standing up, "Despite everything. The baby is healthy. He is going to be fine. We are going to have this baby. We are going to be a family."

"You have said that before Derek." Addison almost yelled standing to face her husband, "We both have. For years we have been saying that we would have a family. That we would have a baby. And we don't Derek. We won't. Maybe we should just except that fact that it will just be us. That we are not meant to be parents."

"What the hell are you saying Addison," Derek was well beyond angry, "Are you saying that you don't want this baby?"

"It doesn't matter what I want. We are fooling ourselves Derek. It's never going to happen."

"Yes it will!"

"No it won't!" Addison screamed, sitting back down on the bed, "No, it won't Derek." she said again with more control, "This never should have happened. I should have stayed in New York. I should have just sent you the divorce papers and let you move on with your life. I should have let you be happy."

"I am happy. How could I not be."

"It won't last, though. None of this," she sighed looking around her, "Who were we kidding."

Derek left 20 minutes later. Neither had said another word.

XXXX

_Addison_

_August 16th_

Addison wasn't sure that she could go on. She had forced herself to get out of bed that morning to prove to Izzie that she was okay, but it was taking every bit of will power that she had not to crawl back under the warm blankets.

She just kept replaying the fight with Derek. She was pretty sure that at least half of what she had said was lies, but she wasn't sure what half. So she had spent the morning, the afternoon and now the early evening pacing the apartment and hating herself. Mostly she hated herself for hurting Derek. He would never admit that she had hurt him, but she knew that she had. But mostly she hated herself for bringing all this pain into his life. _All I have done for the past 10 years is hurt him. _For the 30th time that day she found herself standing outside the door to the nursery.

_Time to face the demons, _she sighed as she stepped over the laundry and opened the door.

Everything was still perfect. Over the years not much had changed when it came to Derek and Addison's ideal nursery. When they first discussed having children both had wanted fancy nurseries completely covered in pink or blue, because of course the baby would comply to their colour scheme. But as they years progressed they began to think in terms of gender neutral, as long as it was healthy, colours. Green mostly. Eventually they just stopped talking about it at all.

But since neither one had completely given up hope, they had accumulated a lot of stuff. The bookcase was almost completely full of books for infants, toddler and preschoolers and even held some bound copies of Addison and Derek's childhood favorites.

On the walls were black and white pictures of family. Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. Grandparents. Derek and Addison the day they got married. A dozen pictures of smiling faces.

In the corner sat Derek rocking chair. It was his prized possession. His grandfather had made it when Derek was a small child and Derek liked to say that his earliest memories were of sitting in the chair with his grandfather listening to stories. And the blanket. It was always folded on the chair. Addison had made it herself years ago when the nesting instinct had gotten the better of her. The seams were crooked and it was impossible to fold it into a square, but she had made it to bring their baby home from the hospital in.

The crib was done in the linens and blankets that they had picked out together. And the trunk beside it was full of quilts and extra blankets that they had accumulated during various shopping trips. Things they had seen and had to have. Picked up on impulse, naively believing that they would be needed.

And in the corner of the crib sat the bear. Derek had given it to her the first time that she had found out she was pregnant.

Addison picked up the bear. It wasn't until she held it to her face that she realized that she was crying. And once she realized, she couldn't stop. Sobs consumed her entire body. She wasn't sure if she was mad or sad. She leaned against the wall and allowed her body to sink to the floor. She sat there sobbing until she could not cry anymore. She cried until her body was to exhausted to make anymore tears.

She sat motionless until she felt composed enough to lift her head. That's when she realized that at some point she hadn't been alone. The blanket was now draped around her shoulders and the door to the nursery which she had left open was now closed.

When she went downstairs an hour later Izzie never said a word.

XXXX

_Derek_

_August 17th_

Derek glanced around the semi darkness of the nursery, grateful that it was empty. If anyone realized how often in the last few week he had snuck in here, especially with Addison gone, well frankly he wasn't sure what they'd think.

Lately he found himself drawn to the same baby. A little boy. Derek didn't know the details of his situation, but he always went directly to his little incubator.

"Hey," Izzie greeted him entering the nursery. She saw him standing over the incubator and grinned, "Did Addison send you to check on him? I told her he was doing great but she never believes me."

"This is Addy's patient?"

"No, he was born after she left. But I told her about him a few days ago and she has been asking about him." Izzie joined him at the incubator.

"So he is going good?"

"Oh yeah," Izzie reached in and stroked the little guys hand, "He might be here for awhile, but he is doing good. The medication is working, his lungs are getting stronger, and there is no reason why he shouldn't make it."

Derek smiled sadly at the baby.

"You know, he was only 27 weeks," Izzie continued, "And we have excellent doctors. There is no reason..."

"I know Izzie." Derek cut her off.

"Addison could have the baby tomorrow and he could be perfect fine with a little help."

"Izzie I _know." _Derek clenched his fists, and continued to watch the infant sleep, "I know and Addison knows. That makes it harder. We have finally gotten to the point where everything could be okay, but we, _she _can't shake the feeling that something will go wrong. If we lost him now..." Derek ran his hand over his face trying to hold back tears, "I think she is giving up. She thinks it's only a matter of time..." he choked.

Izzie was silent.

"I can't loose them."

Derek locked eyes with Izzie.

She reached over and took his hand, "I'll take care of them. I promise."

"I know you will. I just, " Derek replied, tears started to fall unchecked down his face, "I just feel completely helpless."

Izzie hesitated only a moment before hugging him and just letting him cry.

XXXXXXXXXX

Okay, that was a long chapter n'est pas. Like these people are driving me crazy. I kinda just want to shake Addison a bit. Like I get it, (are you guys starting to get it? Why she is getting increasingly ... psycho?) but come on, if this was anyone else she would be totally confident that the baby was going to be fine 'cause, I mean, she is Addison Shepherd neonatologist (or whatever she is) extrodinaire. Why can't you apply this to your actual life Addison? Why? WHY?

She needs to snap out of the past, and soon or I am going to pull out the irony and kill her off. Muahahaha.

REVIEW OR THOU SHALT FEEL THE WRATH OF GOD UPON YOU! (and by God I mean me)


	13. I Heard it Through the Grapevine

Good God, I am exhausted. I wrote this chapter SO fast. I didn't feel like writing cause me and McDreamy were kinda at odds after sundays episode. But then I made a list of reasons why I should still be optimistic, and I was able to move on. Actually what happened was that I saw the preview where Derek punches Mark (which I choose to believe was over Addison) and I started to hope that Mark would punch him back. And the thought of Derek with a broken nose made me happy.

So I hope that this chapter lives up to your expectations. I know it was a long time coming, but it should answer a lot of your questions. In any case, I love this chapter.

XXXXXXXXXX

August

XXXX

_August 18th_

_Meredith_

_8:37am_

Meredith leaned comfortably against the counter jotting notes in charts and chatting with Izzie, "So are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?" Izzie took a bite out of her apple and pulled a pencil out of the bun in her hair.

"Who the guy is."

A couple nurses on the other side of the nurses station suddenly became very quiet.

Meredith noticed and rolled her eyes at Izzie. _Gossips._

"I'm not seeing anyone," Izzie murmured, barely moving her lips.

"You haven't slept at home in 2 weeks," Meredith teased.

"Shut up, Meredith," Izzie stared hard at her.

"What?" Meredith lowered her voice and leaned into Izzie.

"It's nothing." Izzie insisted, "But the nurses like to talk, and I would rather stay under the radar on this one."

"Is it someone from the hospital?"

"The situation is _really _complicated. I would tell you but, it's just not the right time. Do you trust me?"

"Of course." Meredith backed away from Izzie, "But he's hot right?"

Izzie just shook her head and smiled as she walked away.

Meredith smiled and went back to her charts. The nurses began murmuring to each other on the other side of the station. Meredith looked up and they immediately looked away.

"What?"

_12:06pm_

"Okay what is going on?" Meredith demanded as Tyler joined her for lunch, "Nurses have been staring at me all day. I have looked in the mirror 20 times. There is nothing on my face."

"They are just letting the gossip get the best of them," Tyler replied, poking at his salad before actually taking a bite. "Just ignore them."

"They are gossiping about me?"

"Not that I have actually heard."

"Well what have you 'actually heard'?"

"It's mostly about Shepherd. Montgomery-Shepherd," he clarified, "Her business trip excuse is starting to wear a little thin."

"Excuse?" Meredith was confused, "She is in Houston isn't she? Lecturing or something?"

"For two weeks?"

Meredith was silent, "Well where do you think she is?"

"I have no personal thoughts on the matter," Tyler edged.

"Tyler!" Meredith glared slightly, "What do the nurses think is going on?"

Tyler put down his plastic fork, "The general consensus is that she left Shepherd and went back to New York."

"That's stupid," Meredith dismissed the idea, "Why would she leave him?"

Tyler shrugged, "She hasn't really seemed that happy lately. Maybe she just had enough."

Meredith rolled her eyes, "No way, She stuck around when he was calling her Satan to anyone that would listen. She wouldn't just leave now."

Tyler just stared at his food.

"What else?" Meredith demanded.

"No one has actually told me anything else."

"What have you heard?"

"Mer, people tend to shut up pretty quickly when I come around lately."

"But..."

"But I have heard that Montgomery-Shepherd finally split because her husband was sleeping with an intern... again"

XXXX

_August 19th_

_Izzie_

Izzie stood patiently to the side as one of the nurse's needlessly readjusted the fluids on a preemie.

"You seem tired Dr. Steevens," the nurse proclaimed, giving her a sideways glance, "Not sleeping well at night?"

"I am sleeping fine, thank you," Izzie counter, setting her jaw slightly.

"Oh. Of course," the nurse smiled insincerely. "Have you heard anything from Dr. Shepherd?" she continued innocently, " I mean the Mrs, she seems to have been gone along time."

"I really don't know," Izzie replied tensely.

"I wasn't implying that you did," the nurse just raised an eyebrow, "I just thought you might have heard something."

"I haven't."

"Of course," the nurse glanced at her in a way that could in no way be interpreted as friendly.

"I don't know..." Izzie's pager began to beep, "I don't know anything" she repeated.

XXXX

_August 20th_

_Derek_

"Hey," Derek greeted Izzie as he entered the maternity ward.

"Hey," Izzie greeted him but didn't look at him, "What's up?"

"I just wanted to talk to you for a minute," Derek held out a bag and a cup of coffee, "I brought you a snack."

Izzie took the bag and the coffee and continued walking, "I am really busy right now."

Derek looked around as he continued to follow her, "It's dead here."

"I am catching up on paperwork."

"It can wait, I only need a minute."

"Dr. Shepherd..." Izzie began turning to face him.

"Dr. Shepherd? Izzie I think that given the situation you could call me Derek. I mean your living..."

"Dr. Steevens?" a nurse appeared out of nowhere, "Could you check on the mom in 2343?" The nurse glared at Izzie and Derek in turn

Izzie nodded, and turned back to Derek to finish there conversation.

The nurse didn't move.

"I guess I'll go now," Izzie sighed and handed him the bag and the coffee.

"Goodbye Dr. Shepherd," the nurse said icily.

_20 minutes later_

"That woman did not need to be looked at," Izzie glowered as she entered the NICU to see Derek waiting for her. "What's up?" She asked wheeling a chair closer to where he was sitting.

"I just wanted to know how Addison is doing."

"Didn't you talk to her?"

"Ya, but what she says and how she actually is have often been two very different things lately.

Izzie smiled slightly, "She's doing better I think. She won't talk to me, and I've caught her crying a couple of times." Derek looked pained, "But she is gaining weight back. And she is eating more, so lately she has only been using the IV at night. She is getting better."

Derek smiled, "Good. We should get her some ice cream, as a treat."

Izzie laughed and opened the bag that Derek had handed her again. "Ice cream?"

"She loves ice cream." Derek excepted half the muffin she offered, "Vanilla not chocolate."

"Really? She seems like a chocolate girl."

Derek shrugged, "Only white chocolate actually."

"Huh,"

"Dr. Steevens," a different nurse appeared this time, "The woman in 2343..."

"I just checked on her."

"She needs to be checked again."

Izzie and the nurse had a stare down.

"I'll check on her in a few minutes," Izzie finally relented.

The nurse continued to stand in the doorway.

"I will be there in a minute," Izzie repeated.

The nurse finally retreated.

"What was that?" Derek asked.

"Nothing."

"Izzie!"

"Derek," Izzie lowered her voice, "We need to stop meeting about Addison. At least in the hospital."

"Why?" Derek was genuinely confused.

"Do you hear nothing that people are saying?"

"What are you talking about?"

"They think that Addison left you. They think she went back to New York."

"That's only temporary, she'll be back at work eventually. They'll see they were wrong."

"Derek, they think that she left you because of me."

Derek sighed, "I am so sorry. I didn't think this through. I never should have asked you to..."

"No, it doesn't matter," Izzie also sighed and crossed her legs, "I don't mind. We should just act like there is nothing going on."

"There is nothing going on."

"Exactly. So we have nothing to worry about."

XXXX

_August 21st_

_Meredith_

"Okay, you know those rumours about Shepherd and the intern?" Tyler whispered as he stood behind Meredith at her locker.

"I said it wasn't me," Meredith said for the millionth time, even though Tyler insisted that he never considered it.

"I know," Tyler replied, "Turns out, no one ever thought it was you."

"Then who?" Meredith turned to face him.

Tyler slide his eyes over to where Izzie was packing up her stuff to go.

"No!" Meredith gasped.

Tyler just nodded.

"No!"

"Think about it Mer. Addison leaves town, a few days later we stop seeing Izzie around the house. Debbie swears she saw him give her a key, and he is always hanging around maternity talking to her. One of the nurses claims that when she went into the NICU nursery on Thursday they were all over each other."

"I don't believe it," Meredith said adamantly.

"Bye Mer," Izzie said cheerfully as she left the locker room.

"Bye," Meredith replied.

Meredith and Tyler were silent for a moment.

"We should follow her."

_32 minutes later_

"So?" Meredith asked as Tyler got back in the car.

"She got bread, milk, cereal and vanilla ice cream."

Meredith was silent, "Derek always ate vanilla ice cream."

"This isn't looking good." Tyler observed as Meredith pulled out into traffic and continued to follow Izzie.

_11 minutes later_

"I can't believe this," Meredith fumed as she pulled into a parking space across the street from the Shepherds apartment.

"Me neither, actually."

"What does she think she is doing?" Meredith leaned across Tyler and watched as Izzie got out of her car and said a few friendly words to the doorman before entering the building. Meredith wasn't even completely sure that the car Izzie had been driving wasn't actually Addison's. Izzie had said she was borrowing it from a cousin, "He is married!" Meredith exclaimed, "And my ex-boyfriend. He is my married ex-boyfriend. Who has a wife!"

"Maybe it's not how it seems."

Meredith glared at her boyfriend with disdain.

Tyler grimaced slightly, "Ok, ok. It's probably exactly how it seems."

XXXX

_August 22nd_

_Izzie_

"Haven't seen you around here in awhile."

Izzie turned from her closet to see Meredith standing at her bedroom door, "Life of an intern," she replied uneasily.

Meredith nodded but didn't move from the door, her face unreadable. "Your lucky."

"Excuse me?"

"Your lucky," Meredith repeated as she took a step inside the room, "You haven't had to work nights in... 2 weeks."

"Really?" Izzie turned back to her closet and closed her eyes, "Luck of the draw I guess."

"Must be," Meredith sat herself down on the edge of the bed.

"Listen Meredith," Izzie turned to confront her roommate. "I know what you have probably heard but I swear to you it is not what you think."

"Not what I think?" Meredith shook her head and glared, "People have seen you with him IZZIE. Your ALWAYS TOGETHER. You have a KEY to his APARTMENT, I followed you there Izzie, I SAW YOU! Do you even REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT ME! HE IS MARRIED! TO ADDISON! SHE WAS YOUR FRIEND, SHE LOVES HIM! SHE LEFT HIM BECAUSE OF YOU! AND YOU BARELY WAITED UNTIL SHE WAS OUT OF TOWN AND YOU MOVE IN WITH HIM..."

"Addison's pregnant!" Izzie exclaimed loudly. _Oh my God. I did not just say that out loud. Damnit._

Meredith stared at Izzie, stunned. "Pregnant?"

"Very pregnant. And yes, I _have_ been staying at the Shepherd's apartment, but not with Derek, with Addison." Meredith continued to stare, so Izzie sat on the bed beside her and kept talking, _how much should I tell her?_ "She's been sick, since the very beginning. She has early onset gestational diabetes, she had appendicitis, and now... now she is just plain sick. She can't work, she can't really even leave the apartment because she's been hooked up to an IV most of the last two weeks."

"Then why are you..."

"She kicked him out." Izzie watched Meredith's face, _I think she is actually more concerned about Addison then Derek, she really is over him, _"I don't exactly know why. But he asked me to stay with her."

Meredith was slowly starting to process the information that she had been given, "That doesn't make sense. They both love children, they should be happy. Derek told me they were happy. He said everything was perfect."

"I think that's part of the reason why she wants to be alone. Derek _is _really excited, but that just seems to be making Addison more scared. I heard them fighting one night when he came to see her, she said something about trying to protect him, she said that she should have stayed in New York and let him be with you because she doesn't want him to get his hopes up only to loose another baby."

"Another baby?" Meredith whispered.

"Yeah," Izzie lay down on bed and Meredith lay down beside her, both of them staring at the ceiling, "When I saw her chart, my god Mer, it's heartbreaking. They had been trying to have kids, but, I dunno they just couldn't. She would get pregnant, everything would seem normal, and then she would loose it for no reason. She made it well into her 2nd trimester like three times. Can you even imagine? I mean, God.

"And they never stopped trying. You can tell when the doctors would tell them to take a break, to slow down, just from the dates. She would sometimes get pregnant 3 times, once 4 times, in a year before they would make them stop trying for 12 months to give her body a break. They did that for 5 years before she stopped being able to get pregnant at all.

"There are notes in her chart saying that she was exhausting herself, being pregnant so many times had messed up all her hormones and it was causing her sever emotional distress, and she started having nightmares, which I _think _she still has.

"They tried every new treatment that came out, even experimental ones against her doctors advice. I mean, it makes you wonder what that was doing to their relationship. It must have been so hard to go through so much loss. Think about how much they have been through together."

"No wonder he picked her."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

Izzie and Meredith continued to stare at the ceiling.

"I don't understand why he did it."

"Did what?" Izzie turned to stare at her friends profile.

"Left."

"I don't think that she actually gave him a choice."

"But it's Derek." Meredith turned to look back at Izzie, "He couldn't just leave. No matter what she said."

"I don't really know what happened, but I kinda got the impression that he left when she asked, because he loves her and wanted to do whatever she needed to get through this. And he didn't completely leave. He calls her every night and they talk for hours. I they even leave the phone off the hook until morning so they can talk if one of them wakes up. And he asks about her all the time. All the time. I think he is just trying to give her her space.

"When they talk face to face about the baby, Addison just breaks down. That fight they had, well the next day when I walked into the apartment, I could hear her crying as soon as I opened the door. And she just couldn't stop. I finally went and checked on her and found her in a nursery I didn't even know existed, sitting on the floor sobbing. I don't think she even realized that I was there. And then she pretended it never happened." Izzie paused, "I have overheard her talking to Derek a couple of times about him, the baby, I think that she can deal with it better if she can distance herself from the person she is afraid of hurting. Keeps her from getting hurt herself."

"You should have gone into psych."

"Maternity is kinda like psych. Just in the middle of it all you deliver."

Meredith nodded, "But your not sleeping with Derek."

"No, but don't tell anyone. It's easier for people to think that I am for a few more weeks, then to get into what is really going on."

XXXX

_August 23rd_

_Meredith_

Meredith tapped her nails against the kitchen counter. She had the day off and needed something to do. _I know what I want to do. I also know that what I want to do is a very very bad idea._ Meredith tapped her fingers a few more times, then picked up her phone.

"Tyler? I need a favor."

_90 minutes later_

Meredith stood staring at the door. _I can't believe that I am here. Again. _She took a key from her pocket and unlocked the door. Meredith stepped hesitantly into the Shepherd's foyer. She looked around her, trying to decided where to look first. She heard a voice coming from the back of the first floor and decided to start there.

Meredith found herself in the doorway to a small den listening to Addison sing quietly in a low voice.

"You guys really do like your Disney don't you," Meredith remarked entering the room, "I believe that that song is from _Dumbo._"

"So Izzie spilled her guts?" Addison stated as Meredith sat down on the other end of the couch, "She held out longer then I thought she would."

"It took some persuasion but she caved."

"I'm not surprised, she has been dying to tell people for months."

Meredith didn't reply.

"What are you doing here Meredith?" Addison asked finally.

Meredith shrugged, "I had nothing better to do. And I figured if you wouldn't talk to Derek, maybe you would talk to me. So I decided to steal Izzie's key and come over, chat a bit."

Addison gave her a hard stare, just short of a glare.

"You know I always thought that Derek would make a good father."

Addison raised an eyebrow and turned her body so that she was facing Meredith.

"He is kind. Like my dad." Meredith paused, "I never really knew my dad that well. I mean he was great, it was my mother that was hard to deal with so he was kinda scarce growing up. Well you knew my mother, she was brilliant, but she only really loved her work." Meredith paused, "I thought you were a lot like her when you first arrived. Turns out I was completely wrong. My mother never would have given up her career just on the chance that it might save her marriage, and she never felt the slightest bit of remorse for cheating, and I know she did cheat. And she never would have stopped working when she was pregnant."

"I wasn't given much of a choice."

"Yes, you were. Your alone all day, you could leave at anytime. But your not, your staying here and resting and taking care of your baby. Your singing to your baby. I doubt my mother sang to me."

Addison just silently stared.

"It's ok to be scared."

Addison laughed a bit, "Did you know that after 7 weeks your chance of miscarriage drops to 10?" Addison paused, "This is the 13th time I have gotten past the 7th week. I'm not scared. I'm terrified."

Meredith was silent.

"And I agree, Derek would be an excellent father."

Meredith was feeling slightly encouraged by what Addison had shared, _I think she wants to talk, _ "What's his name?"

Addison didn't reply.

"He must have a name."

Addison looked down at her stomach and swallowed silently, "'Emery," she said quietly, "Short for Montgomery."

"Your maiden name. I like it."

Addison shook her head, "After my stepdad. I added the Montgomery to my name when he died._ My father_ left when I was barely 1, said he wasn't cut out to be a father, nice huh?" Addison paused, "But my dad was great. I was really lucky."

"It's nice that your naming him after someone."

Addison rspoke quietly, almost to herself, "Derek and I got to a point where we realized that we wouldn't have tons of kids, so we'd better choose a name that meant something. Make it count. Montgomery Richard Illias Shepherd, it's longer then he will be, but it has everyone who strongly impacted our lives."

"Illias?"

"Derek's grandfather. They were really close, growing up Derek spent his summers with him on his farm."

Meredith was silent, "What about for a girl? Emery might like a sister."

"I just want this one to be healthy. We don't need more."

"But you must have a name."

Addison smiled slightly, "Audrey Lorraine. After our mothers."

"It's beautiful."

"Thanks," Addison seem precariously close to crying.

"Tell Derek to come home," Meredith encouraged, "You should be talking to him right now, not me, and not Izzie."

"I can't."

"But he loves you."

Addison stared straight at Meredith, "I love him. It has nothing to do with that."

"Then why..."

"Meredith, I love my husband. I do. I have loved him since I was 23 years old. That will never change. But right now, for a little while, I need to be by myself. Derek has dealt with loosing the other babies, he is looking forward. I'm not, I'm still grieving, and I need to do it on my own so if this baby decides to be 'lucky 13' I can be the mother that he deserves."

"Just don't make him wait forever."

XXXX

_August 24th_

_Addison_

"I think that we should get a dog."

Addison smiled into the phone, "A dog? What kind of dog?"

"A mutt. Or a spaniel."

"I knew you were going to say that."

"I can't help it, your a spaniel girl. It's has something to do with your hair."

"Well, I want the mutt. I like my boys scruffy."

Derek laughed, "Did I just hear the doorbell?"

"Yeah, I think Izzie ordered Thai food. I didn't know that you could order Thai food at midnight, I thought that was a purely Manhattan thing."

"You are not eating Thai food."

Addison tilted her head back and chuckled, "Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it."

"Hey Gorgeous!"

Addison turned to stare at the person that had just entered the den, "Oh My God,"she breathed and pulled her blanket closer around her, "Derek, sweetheart," she said into the phone, with false enthusiasm, "You will never guess who is here to visit us," another person entered behind the first, laden down with various things, "And you won't believe what they brought with them."

XXXXXXXXXX

Who's at the door?

Agh. So what do we think? Are all our questions answered? Or at least most of them. I am really bad about giving out information, even when I was sending it to Steph to get her opinion, I would take out certain paragraphs so she would still be somewhat surprised when she read it all the way through. I know I am evil. But I have had this entire multiple-miscarriage story line planned since before I started the story. I think I made the right decision making you all wait for the details.

S'il vous plaît, **revue**! Je vous aimerai pour toujours. Je vous prie, **revue**!


	14. Heal Over

Well would you look at that. An update. Honestly I am as surprised as you. The 29th caused me nothing but greif. But you don't care do you? You are all just bitter that it's been 16 years since I updated. Well savor the moment people, there is only one more chapter.

Oh. This chapter is titled after Heal Over by KT Tunstall, and it is freakishly perfect. Get it, listen to it, and just try to tell me that its not.

_XXXXXXXXXX_

_August_

_XXXX_

_August 25th _

_Derek _

Derek had a knot in his stomach as he pushed open the front door to his home. Addison had refused to tell him who had arrived at the apartment and had hung up quickly once she had told him to come over.

He fallowed a low murmer of voices to the back den. Addison turned her head as he hurried down the hall and locked eyes with him as he approached. Derek forced himself to enter the room at a normal pace, other then being slightly shook up and sporting a forced smile, Addison appeared to be fine.

Addison tilted her face towards him and he kissed her gently, cupping her cheek in his hand, "Hey," he greeted her quietly, allowing his thumb to rest momentarily under her lower lip.

"Derek!" a male voice spoke up from behind Derek.

Derek turned away from his wife for the first time since entering the room and found himself being embraced to two strong male arms.

"Weiss," Derek exclaimed in confusion, hugging him back, "I thought you guys were in Europe."

"We came back," Sav informed him from where she was seated on the couch, grinning from ear to ear.

Derek stared at Sav a moment befor turning back to Addison.

Addison raised a pained eyebrow.

"Wow," Derek said with fained enthusiasm as he kissed Sav on the cheek. Derek returned to Addison and sat on the left arm of her chair, resting his hand on her right shoulder, "This is... wow."

"I know," Sav laughed excitedly, "We never thought that it would happen this quickly. We took a trip over to see if we thought it was for us. And now..." Sav trailed of and grinned at the room.

Unconciously Addison had moved closer to her husband and was now leaning gently against his side, "And now they have Estella."

Derek trailed his fingers over Addisons hair as he watched Sav cuddle the sleeping baby to her chest, "Now they have Estella."

Derek and Addison sat in almost complete silence as Weiss and Sav told them of how their trip to Europe had really been in order to visit various orphanages, particularly in Russia. "We had done all the paperwork ages ago," Sav confided, "But we never suspected that it would all happen so fast." After travelling around Russia and some smaller European countries they had gotten a call from their lawyer. "We fell in love the minute we saw her," Weiss said proudly, gazing at the 10 month old toddler in his wifes arms. They had decided that they weren't going to say anything to their closests friends until they got home, but felt it was fate that there flight had gotten delayed in Seattle. "So we decided why not!" Weiss grinned, "I can't think of a better time then now for Essy to get to know her Uncle Derek and Aunt Addy."

They planned on staying a week.

Addison hadn't been able to take her eyes off the baby. Derek was finding it difficult to consintrate on what his friends were telling him, he just wanted to watch Addison and see how she was handling it.

"Oh my God, you must think I am so selfish," Savi exclaimed suddenly, "You must be just dying to hold her!"

Addison recoiled slightly, "No," she exclaimed a little to vehemently, "I mean, she looks so peaceful. I'll have plently of time to hold her." She looked over at Derek, who gave her a small smile. "You two must be famished," she said suddenly, "I am going to put on some tea and try to find something for us to eat." Befor anyone could protest she was out the door.

"I'll help her," Derek added hastily, leaving Weiss and Sav to stare at their sleeping daughter in complete awe.

Derek caught up to Addison as she entered the kitchen, "Addy," he said reaching out and grabbing her wrist hoping she would stop and turn to talk to him. Instead she willing came into his arms and burried her face in his neck.

"I'll be upstairs," Izzie said quietly from where she sat at the kitchen table.

"No stay," Derek told her, releasing Addison from the tight hold he had on her, "We have to figure some stuff out." Izzie crossed the room and stood in front of the shocked couple. "Okay, I guess I'll call around to a few hotels. See if anybody's got anything this late at night..."

"No," Addison cut him off, "They can stay in one of the guest rooms," she said, vacantly, "Izzie you should go home. I'll be fine, Derek will be here with me."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked quietly.

"Of course," Addison replied.

"Okay," Izzie grinned, "I'll be out of here in 20 minutes. Just don't forget your meds. And she needs to stay on the IV at night for at least another 4 or 5 days. Don't let her tell you otherwise," she added to Derek as she left.

Derek couldn't help but grin at his wife, "I missed you so much," he said holding her tightly again.

"I missed you too.," she replied, hugging him back just as tight.

Derek backed away suddenly, "Little man's got quite the kick."

"Agh," Addison exclaimed staring at her tummy, "I know. He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you," Derek laughed, reveling in the normalicy of their conversation.

"He does," Addison argued with a slightly smile, "You can actually see the outline of his foot sometimes."

"Really?" Derek lifted the hem of her baggy t-shirt so that he could see her tummy. To his surprise she didn't stop him.

"Look." She said triumphantly pointing, every so often the taut skin would quiver and even bulge out slightly.

"Wow," Derek shook his head in awe and placed a hand on the spot.

"Addy? Could I heat this bottle up really fast?" Sav asked entering the kitchen. She stop, her mouth open in shock, "Oh my God! Addison! Are you pregnant?"

Addison and Derek glanced at each other, the back at Sav.

"Surprise."

_XXXX _

_August 26th _

_Addison_

"Maybe they will get married someday. Wouldn't that be something, huh?"

"What?" Addison shook her head quickly to clear it, "I'm sorry, I zoned out for a minute."

"I can't blame you." Sav sighed and rocked the baby's carseat with her foot, lulling Estella to sleep, "I can't believe you didn't tell me!" She teased, "You guys must have been thrilled."

Addison paused, "It was unexpected."

"Even so," Sav continued to grin and squeezed Addison's hand, "I mean you guys tried for so long! And know look at you!"

Addison forced a smile, "Yeah, look at me."

"Addy," Sav replied, mistaking Addison's lack of enthusiasm, "You look great! I mean I didn't even realise that you were pregnant until I saw Derek oogling your stomach. And only you could get to what, your 7th month without stretchmarks."

"8." Addison said quietly.

"What?"

"I'm almost at 8 months." Addison smiled her first genuine smile since Sav had arrived.

"What?" Sav was both giddy and surprised.

Addison shook her head and shyly hid her face, "So Weiss seems really excited."

"My god, I know!" Sav laughed, "I can't believe it. I'm lucky if I get to hold her."

Addison listened to her friend gush about her family. She was happy for them. She was._ Really. _

"Sav?" Addison said suddenly, cutting off her friend mid-sentence, "Would you mind if I went up stairs and took a nap?"

"Oh hun," Sav said apolagetically,"I'm sorry, 'Emery must be just draining you. And I sit here yammering on and on..."

"Sav," Addison chuckled, "It's fine, I just haven't been sleeping well." Addison saw a look of concern cross Sav's face, "He kicks. Alot." She lied.

Sav winked, "Thats men for ya. No matter what the age, they just don't want to let you sleep."

Addison laughed, "I'll see you in a bit."

Addison entered her room with a sense of relief. She didn't really feel tired. She just needed to be alone. Derek and Weiss had volunteered to get some groceries, but that had been 3 hours ago. They had probably gone out to the trailer for some guy time. She felt guilty leaving Sav on her own on her first full day in Seattle but... _I can't listen to anymore talk about babies or famillies or the future. _

Addison lay down on the bed, arranging pillows around her. Maybe she was tired.

Her next concious thought was that someone was touching her face. She lay still, Derek used to wake her up like this when they were first married. He would just trace gentle lines all over her face, down her nose and across her lips and cheeks until she woke up.

She slowly opened her eyes. Derek was layiing on the bed next to her studying her face.

"Hey," he whispered, leaning forward to kiss her.

"Hey yourself."

"You can go right back to sleep. We just need to hook you up."

Addison was surprised, "What time is it?"

"10:30. I brought you something to eat if your hungry."

Addison groaned and sat up, "I can't believe I slept that long. Why didn't anyone wake me up?"

"You needed the sleep." Derek told her, reaching over to get the IV.

Addison wrinkled her nose.

"Don't pout." he teased her as he quickly hooked the fluids up her arm.

"Do you have to go back downstairs?" Addison asked, feeling uncharacteristically needy.

Derek smiled at her, "No," he replied, pulling her to him and laying down on the bed.

"Good," Addison whispered.

_XXXX _

_August 27th _

_Meredith _

"One of these days we are going to have to start acting our age," Meredith sighed as she stared at the sky.

"Why?"

Meredith and Tyler lay on their backs in Meredith's backyard watching the clouds.

"Tyler!" Meredith laughed.

"What? I see no reason why we cannot spend a day laying on the grass doing nothing. We are grown-ups at work, and we work 24/7. These clouds will only be around for another 20 minutes."

"But then there will be new clouds." Meredith pointed out.

"But not these clouds."

They fell back into a comfortable silence.

Suddenly Tyler sat up, "Do you see that tree?"

Meredith propped herself up on her elbows, "Yes."

"Would it be completely irrational for us to build a treehouse in it?"

Meredith couldn't help but laugh, "Yes!"

Tyler was silent for a minute, "Do you want to anyway?"

Meredith stared at him with a smile on her face, "You know what?"

"What?"

"I think, I might be in love with you."

Tyler grinned, "Really?"

"Maybe." Meredith grinned back, "It's just an informal diagnoses."

_XXXX _

_August 28th _

_Addison_

"So I need to ask you guys a huge favor."

Addison and Derek turned away from the sandwiches they were making together and faced Weiss.

"Whatever you need," Derek told his friend.

"Since we've had Estella," Weiss began, "Sav and I haven't really had any time to ourselves. And once we get back to New York there isn't going to be anyone that Sav is going to feel comfortable leaving the baby with. So..." Weiss paused and looked pleadingly at them, "I was hoping that maybe you guys could babysit tomorrow and we could get away for the night. "

Addison glanced at her husband, _There is no way that we can say no_.

Addison looked back at Weiss and mustered up her best smile, "Of course."

Weiss grinned, "Great." He turned to leave the kitchen, "And hey, it would be great practice, eh."

Addison and Derek glanced at each other again, and went back to their sandwiches in silence.

_XXXX _

_August 29th _

_Derek _

Derek stood by the bedroom window trying to calm the crying Estella. "Shhhh, Essy, Shhhh."

Addison stared vacantly from where she was seated cross legged in the middle of the bed, for the first night in weeks she was not hooked up to an IV.

Derek looked at his wife, she hadn't said a word since Sav and Weiss had left that afternoon.

Addison stared at Derek and Estella, gnawing nervously on her lower lip.

Derek's jaw tensed, he had been wrestling with the baby for almost an hour and all Addison had done was sit silently and stare. _I need HELP! _"Addy, I know that this is difficult for you, and it's going to take time before you are...but your going to be okay, we just have to... wait it out,"

Addison closed her eyes and looked away.

Derek gave a frustrated sigh, "Well, in the meantime could you just say something? Anything!" Derek fought the urge to yell as he moved to get a bottle from the warmer.

"That's not a hungry cry."

Derek looked at her in surprise, then smiled gratefully, "Thank you," he sat down on the bed beside her, "What's the matter then?"

Addison examine the baby for a moment. Finally she tentatively reached out, her hand trembling slightly, and brushed her palm lightly across the baby's forehead, "She has a fever."

Derek looked between the baby and Addison, "Are you sure?"

Addison shook her head and gave her husband an exasperated look, "Of course I am sure."

Derek continued to sit quietly, Estella bawling in his arms.

"Take her temperature Derek," Addison ordered softly, "And there is baby tylenol on the dresser."

Derek nodded mechanically and stood up, suddenly he turned and without warning, deposited Estella into Addison's arms.

Derek ignored Addison's protests as he made is way into the bathroom. _That was really stupid Derek. She is going to have a breakdown._

Derek rushed back to the bedroom but stopped short, Estella wasn't crying.

"She stopped crying," he said in amazement, "I tried everyone of the tricks Izzie taught me, and nothing."

Addison was silent, "Izzie may have taught you everything she knows, but she doesn't know everything I know."

Derek smirked and sat down on the bed again.

Addison hastily returned the baby to his arms.

Derek studied his wife, "You can do this you know."

Addison didn't look up.

"You tell yourself that you can't Addy, but you can."

Addison turned her head and stared at the wall.

"I know it hurts, It hurts me too." Derek shifted Estella in his arms and turned Addison's face so she was looking at him, "Listen to me, we have lost so much. _We together_ lost so much. And that is never going to go completely away, that kind of pain never disappears. But you can't let that pain take over. _We_ are going to have a son. _You_ are going to be a mother. _Together_ we are going to be a family."

Addison silently mulled this over.

Derek coddled Estella into swallowing a tiny bit of medicine, then reclined against the headboard, Estella already half asleep on his chest. He reached over and rubbed small circles on his wife's back.

"What if we can't do this?"

"What?"

"This. All of this."

"Addison, we are going to be together, the three of us. We are going to be together and happy and..."

"Derek less then a year ago we were separated. WE weren't talking to each other and we lived on different sides of the country. We were sleeping with different people and came within about 3 feet of getting divorced. We cannot bring a child into this."

Derek didn't know what to say. She was right.

Addison's shoulders started to shake. "I can't loose you again,Derek. I can't loose you i can't loose him. I can't do it again. I can't do this Derek. I can't...I won't..."

Derek sat up and wrapped his arms around his wife, "I'm not going anywhere..." Derek wasn't sure how to comfort her, so he just held her as she sobbed, only able to make out a few of the words she was saying.

Estella, frightened by Addison's sobs had woken up started to cry too. Derek closed his eye's and attempted to comfort both girls at the same time. But they couldn't be comforted.

Eventually, what to Derek seemed like hours later, Estella cried herself to sleep, and Addison ran out of tears.

Derek lay on the bed facing Addison and brushed some hair off her face. He was not sure how they ended up like this, but now they where laying down, faces inches apart in the middle of the bed. Essy fast asleep between them.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes," Addison whispered. She ran a finger lightly over the baby's chest and gave a small smile when Estella grabbed onto her finger.

"Okay," Derek looked her straight in the eye, "I am only going to say this once, so your going to have to listen," he put a hand on the side of her face, "Most of this past year sucked, I know it sucked, you know it sucked, the entire hospital knows its sucked. You had an affair with my best friend. I shouldn't have forgiven you, but I did. I fell in love with another woman. You should have jumped the next plane to New York, but you didn't. We've both made huge mistakes that thinking reasonably we never would have forgiven each other for. But we did. And this baby, should never have happened. But he did."

Derek paused, then said slowly "Addison, I love you, and you may not believe that we deserve to have anything good happen to us, and maybe we don't. But good things _are_ happening. We are together. We are together and we are happy."

He leaned forward and kissed her tearstained cheek.

"I can't promise that everything is going to be perfect, I can't promise that 'Emery is going to be fine, I can't promise that we will never have problems again. But I can promise that I will always love you, and I will never _ever_ leave you if I can at all help it. I am never going to let you go. We are in this together, and no matter what happens we will face it together. Side by side."

_XXXX_

_August 30th_

_Meredith_

"So a funny thing happened the other night," Meredith said casually approaching Derek in the hallway.

Derek grinned at her, "And what was that?"

"My roommate, the one you are 'having an affair with', started sleeping in her own bed again."

"You heard about that?" Derek asked sheepishly.

"Ya, I heard about that," Meredith smiled and shook her head, "My point, is that since Izzie is no longer camped out in your apartment, and you look like today is Christmas and your birthday, one can only assume that you and Addison are back into the 7th heaven that is your impending parenthood."

"You know about that?"

"You didn't know that I knew about that?"

"No."

Meredith smiled, "Apparently no one tells you anything," she teased.

"Apparently not," Derek shook his head and grinned, "But it's great right?"

"It's more then great," Meredith stopped herself short of hugging Derek as a gaggle of nurses rounded the corner and gave Derek the evil eye. "Bet you'll be glad when that is over."

Derek shook his head good naturedly, "It is making life incredably difficult."

"No kidding. Anyway I brought you something." Meredith handed him an envelope.

"Travel brochures?"

"Ya, me and Tyler were looking through them the other day. Clearly we arn't going anywhere anytime soon, but I thought that maybe you and Addison would want to get away for a little while. She probably doesn't feel up to coming back to work yet..."

Derek's face broke out into a grin, "Meredith! This is perfect! I love you!" Derek grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her firmly on the forehead,"Seriously!" Derek winked at her has he bounded down the hall.

Meredith blushed and turned to find the group of nurses directly behind her, "He didn't mean it like that," she explained, "I just did him a favor."

One of the nurses raised her eyebrow.

"Not like that!" Meredith protested, "Okay you know what, seriously? I don't care."

_XXXX_

_August 31st_

_Addison_

"So?" Derek approached, hands buried deep in his pockets.

Addison sat on a picnic table, in the sun, in front of the trailer, and watched her husband approach. She knew that when she hadn't called him or gone back to the appartement after her doctors appointment he would have gotten conserned.

"So," Addison began, not looking at Derek but instead focusing her eye's on the horizan. "I talked to the experts..."

"And..."

Addison took a deep breath, "They had some bad news,"

Derek closed his eyes and inhaled sharply.

"Even if we started today, there is no way that we could finish the cottage befor the frost starts."

"The cottage...?"

"Well our son is going to need somewhere to play in the summer." Addison said with a grin.

"Our son?"

Addison nodded, "Fingers crossed, about 10 weeks from today, we will be bringing our baby home from the hospital. There is nothing wrong. Thanks to the diabetes, he is _huge_." Addison rubbed her stomach happily, and gave her husband a saucy grin, "And best of all, even if something does happen, and he arrives a little early... I am the best damn neo-natalogist on this seabord."

"So your saying," Derek's grin grew wider as he ran one hand through the ends of her hair and placed the other on her stomach.

Addison's hand joined Derek on her stomach and she intertwined her fingers with his, "I'm saying we are going to have a baby."

XXXXXXXXXX

Awww... those crazy kids.

So you know the drill, you REVIEW, I bask in the glow of million complements and then post the last chapter which is already written.


	15. Lullaby

So this chapter takes it's title from the song Lullaby by Shawn Mullins. But really only the chorus, but the chorus is perfect!

So okay. paces nervously This is the last chapter. It's takes place exactly 1 year after the first chapter. continues to pace It may not be exactly what you guys are expecting for a last chapter. But it's still good... Well I think it is.

XXXXXXXXX

September

XXXX

"You look relaxed," Izzie said to Derek as he entered the elevator, "I guess that the vacation went well."

"Very well, I am very relaxed."

"Addison didn't come in?"

"She'll come in later,' Derek smiled, "She is having a bit of a nervous breakdown."

Izzie grinned, "Is she huge?"

"She's not huge," Derek grinned, "But she most definitely can't hide it anymore."

"Oh this is so great." Izzie squealed, "I am so happy."

"Me to."

XXXX

Addison stood nervously in front of the elevator. She had never been so nervous in her life. Everybody was about to find out that she was pregnant. She had been away for almost 6 weeks and her appearance had changed dramatically. She couldn't hide the baby with sweaters and baggy scrubs anymore. So instead of hiding the fact that she was pregnant she was wearing a white top and jeans that showed it off.

The elevator door opened. Addison found herself looking straight at Meredith Grey.

"Hello Dr. Shepherd," Meredith said.

"Meredith," Addison stepped into elevator.

They stood in silence for a moment.

"Please tell me that you or Izzie let the cat out the bag while we were gone and everybody knows."

Meredith laughed, "Sorry. Somewhere along the line we learned to keep our mouths shut."

"Great."

"Actually," Meredith reflected, "Just so that your prepared, currently, everyone thinks that you and Derek have split up, so people are going to be _really _surprised to see... all of you."

"Thanks," Addison smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Well you can't disappear for over a month and then show up 7 months pregnant and think that people wont..."

"8 months, actually" Addison corrected "32 weeks, that's 8. So everyone...?"

"Is completely clueless," Meredith saw her face fall. "Hey, if I can be happy for you then everyone else will be ecstatic."

"I hope so," Addison murmured as they exited the elevator.

"And Neonatal is going to flip-out. They have been going crazy without you."

"Really? I thought that they hated me," Addison was pleased.

"Are you kidding. Izzie hasn't been able to walk through there in weeks."

"Izzie? Why?"

Meredith stopped, "They didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Addison stopped and turned to Meredith.

Meredith shook her head, "It was the best gossip, even if it turned out to be completely untrue. And of course I was the last to find out, 'cause well it was about you, and well Derek, and then strangely enough Izzie."

"Meredith!"

"Did you just stamp your foot?"

"No," Addison tried to hide a smile, "But I will if you don't tell me what's going on."

"Basically, people assumed that you had left because you found out that Derek was sleeping with an intern. And it wasn't me." Meredith raised an eyebrow and continued down the hall.

"Poor Izzie."

"I know. Seriously. And then they just let people think it was true."

"Why? That's ridiculous."

"That's what I said," Meredith exclaimed, "But, I guess, they knew the truth would come out eventually, and this way you could protect your secret."

"It's still ridiculous."

"I know." Meredith glanced at Addison and laughed, "Addison, you look like you are being sent to your death,"

"Everyone is looking at me," Addison replied with a small smile.

"You suddenly dropped off the face of the planet for almost 6 weeks and come back 7 times your normal size. Besides, they are looking at us," Meredith corrected, " We are walking down the hall together, laughing about how _your _husband is sleeping with an intern, who isn't me. Actually the fact that both these things are happening at the same time is the real gossip."

Addison laughed as they approached the nurses station which, as luck would have it, everyone was gathered around.

Izzie saw Addison and Meredith approaching, and nodded to Derek.

Derek turned around and beaming, held out his hand to his wife, "That wasn't so hard was it," he asked as he kissed her on the cheek and placed his other hand on her stomach.

Everyone was staring at them.

"Your kidding me right?" she murmured.

"Why didn't anyone wake me up?" Bailey demanded rushing around the corner, almost running straight into Addison. She took a step back, puzzled,"How long have I be asleep for?" she asked staring at Addison stomach, which was just about at her eye level.

"There you are," Richard said joining them, "Yup, this one is a keeper," He grinned and hugged Addison.

"Your pregnant?" Cristina said, stating the obvious.

"With my namesake," Richard replied proudly, "He is my namesake right?"

"In a middle name sort of way," Addison answered touching her stomach as the baby kicked her.

"I thought you left..." Cristina was still puzzled.

"Weren't you suppose to be..." Alex turned to Izzie.

"You actually believed that?" Meredith admonished.

"You believed it," Tyler pointed out.

"I am... SO confused," George muttered.

As the arguments continued over who believed what and when, with Bailey claiming she has suspected all along, Addison and Derek stood quietly to the side, Derek laughing when the baby kicked her so hard you could see it through her shirt.

"So, you finally named him?" Izzie asked as she reached across the counter to feel the baby kick.

Everyone instantly fell silent, wanting to hear the name.

"This little guy has been named for awhile," Derek grinned, "He just took his time showing up."

"So..."

"Montgomery Richard..." Derek began.

"Emery for short, Montgomery is to long for a baby," Addison interrupted beaming.

"They look happy don't they," Meredith whispered to Tyler as the stood apart from everyone else.

"They really do," Tyler agreed, "Coffee?"

"You read my mind." Meredith replied happily as Tyler put his arm around her waist as they walked away, "You know that kid is inheriting some serious hair genes."

XXXXXXXXXX

Do you guys hate me? I know she didn't have the baby. But they are happy and excited and Addison was finally ready to come out and tell everyone. Meredith and Derek are as close as ever, Meredith and Addison are actually pretty good friends, and the hospital FINALLY sees this. Everyone's demon's are squashed...

Don't kill me.

Please.

Review. If you seriously need more closure, I have a plan.


	16. Closure

Okay. People. Seriously. This is it. This is ALL I am writing on this story. Seriously.

XXXXX

Seattle Grace Inner-Hospital Memo

Subject: Birth Announcement

November 17th

Dear Staff,

By now most of you already know, but for those of you that haven't run into Debbie yet, it gives me great pleasure to announce the Seattle Grace family is one person bigger! Our 'star' surgical attendings, Derek and Addison Shepherd, welcomed Montgomery "'Emery" Richard Illias Shepherd into the world at 3:24am. Dad reports that everyone is ecstatic and doing great, and that he and Addison will return to work "when 'Emery leaves for college".

Congratulations Shepherds!

Dr. Richard Webber

Chief of Surgery

XXXXX

And they all lived happily ever after, the end.


End file.
